[granite1]

and i cant even tell T what is going on that would mean i need to use words .ya that will happen ion this life time GRRRRi hate my life right now.i hate me and who i am.i want to just crawl up in a hole and die.i dont want to be at all.i dont even care about going to therapy it will do no good anyway.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by granite1

and i cant even tell T what is going on that would mean i need to use words .

You are using words here.

[ECHOES]

and i cant even tell T what is going on that would mean i need to use words .

You have been using words in T, but maybe these will be new words.
Can you find a place to start, for example just that you struggled today and worried aobut how to tell her about it, and how frustrating that is for you?

[WePow]

((((Granite)))) It is OK to feel the way you do. I just hope you know there ARE people who care about you here on PC. Big safe hugs!

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry, granite. You can use words on PC to share it with us if you think it will help. I hope that one day you will be able to share it with T too.

[googley]

((((((((((Granite)))))))))

You are cared for very much here. Can you take in what you post?

[geez]

((granite))

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

You have been using words in T, but maybe these will be new words.
Can you find a place to start, for example just that you struggled today and worried aobut how to tell her about it, and how frustrating that is for you?

ecos i really do want to go and spill everything.i get thare and i just cant i know i wont.i can say i will try i really will.i will try to say one thing .i havnt been to T in a long while and i dont even remember the words i used but i do remember the panic and fear i was left with.that with what is going to come up with the mother is so overwelming.even if i can just say i'm not very good maybe i can do that i dont know i really hate me right now

[granite1]

Originally Posted by googley

((((((((((Granite)))))))))

You are cared for very much here. Can you take in what you post?

thanks googly i am even having a hard time knowing this but you all are so cool

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm sorry, granite. You can use words on PC to share it with us if you think it will help. I hope that one day you will be able to share it with T too.

rain i am so miserable right now it hurts i hate the mother and i know she will send me a letter with a bunch of hurtfull things because i told her i wasnt going to go thare for christmas.it isnt good for me to be around her for any length of time and christmas is going to be hard for me because it will be the first christmas without my son who is a marine and in okinowa.i know i will pay for saying no

[granite1]

Originally Posted by WePow

((((Granite)))) It is OK to feel the way you do. I just hope you know there ARE people who care about you here on PC. Big safe hugs!

thanks wepow i really needed to hear that people here care about me.it really is hard to believe.i havnt been the most helpfull to people here

[googley]

(((((((((((((Granite))))))))))))))

You are cared about. I will keep telling you over and over again.

You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

You are using words here.

hi pachy.i have an amazingly hard time even opening my mouth in therapy and believe me it brings me to great levels of frustration and anger.not being able to talk is one of the reasons i am in therapy.i'm also not allowed to write or e-mail because that i use to replase using words.i can write if i read it out loud to share it with T.something i cannot do yet.i was able to use a few woeds but that was so long ago.i am so terrifieed to talk and after what the mother is going to do i just cant deal at all.i am going to try anyway but i dont know what to even say i have no words

[granite1]

Originally Posted by googley

(((((((((((((Granite))))))))))))))

You are cared about. I will keep telling you over and over again.

You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about. You are cared about.

googly you have no idea how this post just touched my heart so sweetly and means so much thanks

[rainbow8]

(((((((granite)))))))

I don't think you have to go to the mother for Christmas if you don't want to. You have the right to take care of your needs first. Will your husband help support you in your decision? Maybe he can read any hateful letters you get and can tear them up so you don't have to see them.

I still wish your T would just READ what you have to say. That would get it out. My T lets me email her because she says it helps me to unload. She knows I need to do that. It helps her to know what is going on with me. I'm sorry that your T won't let you do that. I wish I could talk to her and ask her why she won't let you unburden yourself through writing the way you do here. Does she know you write on a forum?

And, yes Googley is 100% correct. You are cared about very, very much here.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

(((((((granite)))))))

I don't think you have to go to the mother for Christmas if you don't want to. You have the right to take care of your needs first. Will your husband help support you in your decision? Maybe he can read any hateful letters you get and can tear them up so you don't have to see them.

I still wish your T would just READ what you have to say. That would get it out. My T lets me email her because she says it helps me to unload. She knows I need to do that. It helps her to know what is going on with me. I'm sorry that your T won't let you do that. I wish I could talk to her and ask her why she won't let you unburden yourself through writing the way you do here. Does she know you write on a forum?

And, yes Googley is 100% correct. You are cared about very, very much here.

i emailed her once and she said it was ok this time because my step mom was really sick and she needed to know and i couldnt tell her.i guess i could write it to her but she has told me that she would rathe i not replace that with using my words.if i write to her she will pull her chair close to mine and read the letter out loud and ask me to respond every sentance and if i dont she says what she thinks (usually right)and moves to the next sentance.no other option this is what she will do.i cant stand to hear my words either.do you think it will be enough if i just say i'm not ok

[rainbow8]

Can you write her another note to say you don't like the way she reads what you write sentence by sentence? Can you say you don't like to hear your words? Or write that out: "T, I don't like to hear you read my words."

I think it's a good thing if you can tell T that you are not okay. Maybe you can do artwork again? Can you tell her that, or write it?

Do you see her tomorrow, or not until next week?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Can you write her another note to say you don't like the way she reads what you write sentence by sentence? Can you say you don't like to hear your words? Or write that out: "T, I don't like to hear you read my words."

I think it's a good thing if you can tell T that you are not okay. Maybe you can do artwork again? Can you tell her that, or write it?

Do you see her tomorrow, or not until next week?

i see her tomorrow and i think that is part of what is going on with me i'm scaerd i have all this just droped in my lap and i was already worried about tomorrowi just want to feel like it will all be ok even if just for a second.i know i never will but i want to atleast say here what i wish i could say to T.i want to tell her how much i want to SI.i want to tell her how much i want to tell her stuff how much i want to trust her how much i hurt how scared i am.i know she probibly already knows a lot of this but i just want to tell her i want her to tell me how to deal with the mother.but she cant if she doesntn know what is going on.god i feel so stupid all i have to do is say this is what is going on bla bla bla.any person should be able to do that right .god so simple

Originally Posted by granite1

i see her tomorrow and i think that is part of what is going on with me i'm scaerd i have all this just droped in my lap and i was already worried about tomorrowi just want to feel like it will all be ok even if just for a second.i know i never will but i want to atleast say here what i wish i could say to T.i want to tell her how much i want to SI.i want to tell her how much i want to tell her stuff how much i want to trust her how much i hurt how scared i am.i know she probibly already knows a lot of this but i just want to tell her i want her to tell me how to deal with the mother.but she cant if she doesntn know what is going on.god i feel so stupid all i have to do is say this is what is going on bla bla bla.any person should be able to do that right .god so simple

Please don't feel stupid. You are not at all. You are doing a good job. Talking is very, very hard especially when the feelings inside are scary and big. Just try to remember that you are entitled to your feelings. Good luck tomorrow.. I hope this helps a little. If nothing else I care about you, too.

[WePow]

((((((Granite)))))) it is not simple... and you are very brave to make such an effort. Hope that today you are able to open up just a little.

Hey, if it helps, I just had an idea.... You could print out the pic of my little girl (me when I was 2 1/2 that I have on my avatar and you could hold it infront of you so you see that head instead of T's head - then just talk to my little girl instead. :-) Sometimes it is easier to talk to a child that young because you know it is safe.

Seriously though, I will be riding along with you today if you have room in that pocket :-) Big hugs!!!!!

[granite1]

thanks everyone i am feeling a bit more in controle thismorning and no SI eithernow if i can just survive through therapy.i wonder if i will accually start haveing T on a more regular bases.i dont see any monday holidays in the near future

Originally Posted by granite1

i dont even remember the words i used but i do remember the panic and fear i was left with.that with

Remember this, too - you survived talking, AND you survived whatever feelings it brought up.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by granite1

i am so terrifieed to talk and after what the mother is going to do i just cant deal at all.i am going to try anyway but i dont know what to even say i have no words

I know the feeling -- more than a feeling -- not being able even to think. There is a clue in what you wrote: terror seems to cause the brain to shut down most "higher" functions so it can use the most primitive and reactive functions just to survive in a situation that is perceived to be so dangerous. But in therapy, the actual situation should not be as dangerous as you now think it is. If you can test that, it will make it easier to find the words.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by granite1

thanks wepow i really needed to hear that people here care about me.it really is hard to believe.i havnt been the most helpfull to people here

Granite, you ARE helpful here. And besides, no one is keeping score on you.
here is a thought, if it works for you - would you happen tohave one of those little pocket recorders like people put notes in? Can you read into it what you've written down and play it for T? It would be your own voice after all well, just thinking...

[granite1]

went to T but was way to overwelmed to speak ,and it was hard to be thare after so long but it is ok my T told me soit was nice to see her again