a hug from T :)

I took T a cup of coffee from Starbucks and a card I made her. She was kind of surprised about the coffee and asked me why I brought it and I thought for a minute I had crossed some boundary. But once we got in her office I said, it's the 2 anniversary since I started therapy, so I bought us coffee. She must've thanked me at least 8 times, lol. She said she was sorry she didn't remember the date. I totally don't expect her to, it was no biggie. I did mention that she shouldn't expect coffee every week.

I told her that I emailed group-T to ask what kind of coffee T likes and she laughed out loud about that.

So then we talked a little bit about the progress I've made and how I've changed. That felt good.

We talked about other stuff going on in my life for a half hour or so, kids and my school work and my perfectionism and my new car and my new phone, among other things.

We did about a half an hour of trauma work. It was really hard. Not the hardest, but hard. I reached a point where I just felt overwhelmed and I said "I need to be done now" and she said, "okay, we're done." That's one of the first times that I'VE decided we were done instead of T. I don't think we got very far in the story, maybe what would have taken 3 or 4 minutes to tell if I was just telling the story to someone without freaking out and forgetting to breathe and going away inside my head the whole time. Blah.

I dissociated big time. I couldn't feel my body, at all. I was trying to tell T that but the more I tried the less I was able to form the words. I finally told her. She was talking and I said "can you say that again?" only she didn't understand me so I had to say it again, and she said, "put the silly putty away. Pay attention to your hands. Watch them and feel them at the same time. You're still in your body."

Then I tried really hard to breathe and tell T as I was feeling things in my body. it was hard but it was okay in the end.

And at the very end I gave her the card, because I didn't want her to read it in front of me.

When I handed it to her she thanked me again and said "Can I give you a hug?", and I said "yeah!" and then we hugged for the first time.

In 2 years T has touched me twice, and once was by accident. The other time was a tap on the shoulder. This hug was a long time coming and something I wouldn't have been ready for at the beginning. through reading threads here on PC, though, I've thought a lot about it and wanted to hug her but didn't know how to ask. I think I was afraid she'd think it was some sort of sexual advance or something, lol.

Anyway. Big day for me. And bittersweet. This does feel the beginning of goodbye, and it hurts, but the goodbye can take as long as it needs to take. All of life is about hellos and goodbyes anyway, right?

oh, and T gave me some pink silly putty (my favorite color!)

Sorry this is so long. It was a big, important session. I wanted to share it with you guys. You've been on this journey with me for the past year and it wouldn't have been the same without you.

maybe it is just a hello to another phase of therapy a more trusting one

Zoo, what a WONDERFUL session. I'm so happy for you!!! I was smiling all the time I read your post! The hug sounds like it was worth waiting for!

cool...I like silly putty....

((((((((((((((ZOO !!!! ))))))))))))))))

W O W !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You did GREAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh and I am SOOOO glad for you and the hug !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

That is such a wonderful session. I'm so glad she liked the coffee and you were able to get a hug from her. This makes me so happy for you.

Congrats on a great 2nd anniversary, a nice celebration and some work, too!

((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))))

It sounds like T was really touched by your gesture....and it sounds like you had a really good session, even with the yucky stuff. I love that T stopped when you needed to stop. Sometimes I need to be pushed, but sometimes I think it's really empowering to be able to say "STOP" and make something stop.

And yay for a hug That makes me happy

you guys are awesome. Nobody else in my life understands what this is like, this whole therapy thing and how BIG the relationship with T feels. Let alone the whole concept of trauma work or what it means to dissociate and have body memories and all of that. I am just so so so glad I found this place.

I feel like an outsider most of the time as I go about my day to day life. Even with other groups of friends, people who may know more details about me (like my name, lol), I feel like I can't really show myself to them without scaring them away. Here I can talk about my T and my therapy and trauma work, and just everything...and be *understood*. It is such a beautiful thing.

granite, what a good way to look at it. Every goodbye could really be a hello to something new. Thanks for that perspective.

Eileen, I love silly putty too! I have some in my purse, and my car, and by my bed, and on the coffee table, and in my book bag...LOL! It is excellent for keeping myself grounded when my anxiety skyrockets.

I just wanted to say that I'm not feeling really great tonight. I'm hoping to go to bed soon and really really reallllly hoping I sleep okay tonight. I've grown to kind of dread the nights after therapy. Even more than the nights before therapy, which are hard too because of anxiety.

I have a lot to do tomorrow, a lot of stuff at my school and in the world in general, and I can't stay home and lick my wounds and start to feel okay again. I have to just push through it. That feels sad and wrong, as I'm working so hard to NOT ignore my feelings. But I have to. I'm going to try to take moments during my day to just breathe. I wish I could bring T around with me as I live my life so she could remind me to do that.

zooropa, I'm *so* happy it went well. I was thinking of you yesterday The hug sounds really special and it's great that she offered you something you'd been wanting anyway.

I love granite's idea of it marking a new phase of therapy rather than necessarily the beginning of the end.

I'm sorry you were feeling so vulnerable last night and hope you've managed to sleep. I do understand the need to stay home and just 'be' and take it all in and recover.

I wonder whether there's a way to do both- stay engaged with your daily life and obligations while staying in touch with your feelings? I try this when I'm feeling brave, and it might be something as simple as just checking in with what I'm feeling as I head to work/uni, at lunchtime, and as I go home. I use a mindfulness of emotion exercise on my ipod to keep me on track, and then try to just sit with whatever I've noticed for a bit.

Can also relate to wanting T to follow you around saying 'breathe... and breathe...'. I've actually got her doing that on my ipod... the problem is remembering to listen to it! Another idea I've heard is actually writing a big 'B' on your hand so you see it every time you look down.

Sending you good wishes for a good night's sleep and a manageable day tomorrow.

((((Zoo))) hope you were able to rest a bit.

I can relate to this....there isn't much down time in my life, so it's 50 or 90 minutes of therapy and then BAM, back to the crazy world of my family, homeschooling, activities, etc.

I told T just yesterday that I wished I could curl up in a ball somewhere and be alone and just rest.

Sometimes, if I can let myself be open to the universe as I go about my life...let myself feel rain, smell the air, or hear the wind...it soothes the hurt place inside.

I hope you got some rest last night.

I'm so glad you had a great session and your T was so receptive to your anniversary "celebration".

these are exactly the kinds of things I've been working on. I just forget to breathe and be mindful when my anxiety goes up, which is pretty much any time I'm out in the world. I need to have reminders for myself.

Last night I set up my phone to give me a random reminder, but I'm not sure I'll hear it when I'm out and about. I think I'll try writing something on my hand and hope I look at my hand, lol.

I love the color pink and always notice it, maybe I should start using that as a "bell of mindfulness"?

Zoo,
First off let me say that I was smiling too when I read your post. I think that it was a really sweet moment that you shared with your t. I am super excited that she gave you a hug. I hope you are able to recall that hug in your mind in times that you are in desperate need of one.

I understand feeling really wiped out after therapy and feeling the need to hibernate for a period after. Not to mention the anticipation work. Surely not many people get the total amount of hours we put in each week doing therapy stuff. It isn't just 50 minutes is it? I hope you find a way to take care of yourself and try to establish your equilibrium again. Take that hug with you and stick it in your back pocket.

Now I wanted to say a couple things also about the lurker thread. I didn't want to post on there because I didn't want to add into the attack you were feeling. I understand it can be hard to have worried thoughts about the guests that are reading. I wanted to bring another perspective to that as well. As a newbie I guess I am just one that jumped right in too. I have never been on anyother chat boards or whatever you call them. I get anxieties over whether the regulars will let me in. Whether they will care and respond to my posts. When some people post there is always an outpouring of support for them because of their already formed relationships and when others post there sometimes isn't that much feedback depending on the topic. Now this is not always the case but I am just expressing how I have felt at times when I post and return a day or so later and there is only maybe one reply. I am not generalizing saying this is always how it works. I am just being vulnerable here and saying how I feel about this forum at times. I have never really thought about those who don't participate.

I also just wanted to say a couple more things. I too follow your posts because I have grown to care about you and your therapy process. I get excited to know how your anniversary session went and look forward to hearing from you again. I would hope that people would not take this into a private subgroup because you are helping many people by being open here. There are many people that relate to you and all of our stories, fears, wishes etc that do not have a voice (with a name) but have been able to continue on with therapy or have been able to find some resolution to their own conflicts by gathering information here. I hope this post is helpful and not hurtful to you. I certainly don't want to say anything that would be of detriment to you Zoo. Take good care and I hope you keep posting.

hi zoo, what a great session! like everyone else, i was smiling the whole time i read your post! it reminded me of my progress with my therapist as far as hugging goes - i think i'll dig up that thread and post an update.

at any rate, good for you! i'm so glad it's going in the direction that it is, and i agree with granite, it's not the beginging of the goodbye - just a new phase in therapy for you. keep up the good work!

Kacey, thank you so much. Your post means a lot to me. I need to bookmark those kinds of things so I can read them when I'm feeling down.

I haven't been back to the lurking thread and probably won't, but I will just say that I won't go to a private subforum. I get so much out of reading posts here, and I hope that people get something out of reading my posts as well. At times, like last night, I worry about who may be reading, but mostly I don't. I miss people who used to be here and I understand they may have their reasons for not posting any more, but the thought that they may be reading is cheerful.

Maybe when I'm feeling better I will go read the 2 pages in the lurkers thread. Probably not.


hugs for everyone who posted in this thread or just read it and smiled or thought good things. I felt it. Thank you.