[WePow]

So glad today is T day. Have to go into work after major flashbacks from the most silent alter part of me. That part finally has her voice so this is what T and I think is the very bottom of the bucket on the trauma work. I just keep wishing my mind had nothing else in it to bring up! But I had 2 missing years of my life that relate to the age of that alter. I know now some of the memories, but they are still so far away and I am not emotionally connected with them. At least wasn't until this part of me felt safe enough with T to start to share.

I hate it that right when I am safest with T ( FINALLY!) that this has to come up. I want to just say "Yippie! I am all better now!" and be done with the whole mess of trauma work! URRRR!

The other thing is I am worried that T is going to be like "More stuff?!?" and then he will take away the love he gave me. I know THIS is coming from my childhood of being punished if I was hurt and said anything about it to my mom. Or with telling teachers at school what the boys were doing to me on my walk home - and having them tell me that "good girls don't do things like that" - AS IF IT WERE MY FAULT !!! UGGGG!!!!

Anyway, I am not sure how today's session will go. I want to feel safe with T but that part of me needs to talk about the three big flashback bits that happened last night. I shot T an email while they were going on so he can bring them up for me - I didn't even look at what I emailed yet because I know they will trigger me and I have to make it through the whole day at work still.

Originally Posted by WePow

.
I hate it that right when I am safest with T ( FINALLY!) that this has to come up. I want to just say "Yippie! I am all better now!" and be done with the whole mess of trauma work!

The other thing is I am worried that T is going to be like "More stuff?!?" and then he will take away the love he gave me.

Oh, wow, WePow, I have felt both of these things SO strongly.

It did help me to talk to T about it, and to really let myself believe him when he said that it's not "too much", that it's still okay, that he'll still love me.

I want SO badly to be done with trauma stuff....and there was a point when I thought we WERE done, but I think as we come to deeper and deeper levels of healing, there is sometimes more trauma work we have to do, even if it's something we've "worked through" before. That's where I'm at now, and I hate it, AND I feel hopeful that maybe, maybe, maybe I'll come out on the other side a little more whole.

I hope you get what you need out of your session today. Trust yourself, and trust T.

[WePow]

(((((((((Tree))))))))))) thank you SOOO much!!!

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by WePow

The other thing is I am worried that T is going to be like "More stuff?!?" and then he will take away the love he gave me.

Hey Wepow,
I get that feeling too sometimes. I am glad that you posted today. It was good to hear from you. I hope that your session goes well for you and that you continue to feel the .

[skeksi]

I want to feel safe with T but that part of me needs to talk about the three big flashback bits that happened last night.

It's awesome that you e-mailed him to make him aware of what's going on. Maybe you will be able to talk about the flashbacks AND have him help you feel safe?

Hang in there at work. It is tough to be stuck in old pain and have to go through the motions of your regular life, too.

[seventyeight]

wepow, good luck at your appt today!

[WePow]

Thanks guys. I made it through. I really don't (can't) talk about it right now. Might later. The stuff was intense but T did something that just was not the thing to do when I was that vulnerable. If you read my post where I mention him looking at the laptop and how I was able to forgive - well same thing but this time him replying - TO SOMEONE ELSE - typing something - urrr!! I cant go inot it now but sent him an email where that protector part of me is beyond mad.

Originally Posted by WePow

T did something that just was not the thing to do when I was that vulnerable. If you read my post where I mention him looking at the laptop and how I was able to forgive - well same thing but this time him replying - TO SOMEONE ELSE - typing something - urrr!!

Oh, WePow, that is just SO unacceptable. Is is just your protector part who is angry? Or are YOU angry too???

I'm angry FOR you. I'm really sorry he did that.

[suzzie]

((((wepow))))

so sorry for you.

[rainbow8]

WePow, I'm sorry your T did give you his full attention today. I think he's an excellent T except for that. It's wrong for him to have his attention anywhere else but on YOU during your session. I hope that he has an explanation for why he had to do that.

[WePow]

I just am feeling so off - again. I keep going over my old posts about how to trust T. I tell myself I am just processing this. I just don't know at this moment. Trying to not spiral. Feels so odd - like that foundation I saw the other day is the actual fact of therapy and not what I thought was there. That reality is only part right. I think. I am hurt I guess. But feel like I just want to go away inside for good and do what I said to not let anyone close to me that way. But I needed to have what I do with T so I can learn relationships. So I am just feeling this too... and will see whatever happens. I hope he pulls some dumb magic bunny out of his #&^ but not sure if he can or will even want to. I think if he just says he is sorry and means it - if he does that and makes an effort to listen to me being obviously boring as heck when I am not looking directly at him - well maybe I will forgive so I can keep what I have or imagine I have - with him. IDK. Too exhausted now to think more about it.

[WePow]

Well, T did the right thing and sent an apology email and explained what was going on - his computer rebooted after the anti virus update and he had to log back in to see the emails I was talking about that I sent him last night :-)

I am glad I do trust this enough to let T know exactly what is going on inside. The torture of things not being OK with my T is way too much.

[googley]

((((((((((((WePow)))))))))))

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by WePow

Well, T did the right thing and sent an apology email and explained what was going on - his computer rebooted after the anti virus update and he had to log back in to see the emails I was talking about that I sent him last night :-)

I am glad I do trust this enough to let T know exactly what is going on inside. The torture of things not being OK with my T is way too much.

(((((WePow)))))

I'm so glad T clarified it for you. When he was typing something in your session, what did you feel then, on the spot? Did you feel angry, and did it occur to you to ask what the heck he is doing there typing when you are talking to him?

I think it is understandable that he was trying to look at your emails, and I hope you are feeling better about it. If it had been my T doing that, it would really have bothered me too, not knowing what's happening.

But how was the session itself? Did you get to process what you needed to process?

[WePow]

I ended up dissociating at the time and had the protector come out, but at the time I had no idea what was going on inside or why that happened.
I did process my flashbacks.