[Melbadaze]

I don't post about my many struggles here, I don't post about sucide attempts or sh much or if at actually, when I come here its like another part of my personality posts, the part that wants to survive, I realise I hide the part that doesn't the part that says to T at times, "how much longer must i breathe?" yes thats part of me too, theres part of me that is in a battle to win or die, yes I have serious sh matters going on that are effecting my body, yet I seem to be able to split that part of me off, I was at work this morning, listening to some my ipod and a christina rock song came on, I am athiest that would dearly love to find a good and loving god, but unfortunately thats all mixed up with a cruel and sadistic mother and I still struggle to find good in the world. One of the lines of the song was about about being ok with you by myside, I realised he was singing about life with god at his side, and then I thought about T when she says I need to find the her in me, and when I do think of her, and I use to think of her in this way alot more but lately its like I'm to tired, or I've given up ever really finding good in the world, and wanting to feel its worth while being here, but its not happened really yet, going to T is good, I like it, it makes me feel good when I'm there even when I feel bad when I'm there when I'm there with her I can feel the good, but I think I am my own worse enermy as I dont really meditate on her being with me when I'm not there, it feels like everything falls through me and I forget it, actually this brings me to something a couple of weeks ago when I was desperately worried i am going to end up kiling myself with my sh and I said to T that I feel I've lost faith in our therapy, I dont hold onto like Iuse too, and T sat up and said ok I think we need to make some decisions then she said we can either continue chipping away as we are doing and I dont feel its as hopeless as you feel it is, or you can go and see someone that deals with ***** (sh problem) or we can up the sessions? I went quite and hot and frightened, it suddenly seemed like someone else had taken me over, was i sabotaging myself for real? T said do you feel I have sending you away? I looked at her and said no, I did really, I felt i'd made my worse fear come true, no longer seeing T, but I realised she'd sandwiched these choices with her, the continuing as we are and the upping sessions with the idea of working with someone else who deals with this other issue being in the middle, I felt as if I had pushed myself into a corner and then turned it all around from nearly ****ing it up to telling her I loved her (posted about that session a couple of weeks back), but still this other personality that wants to kill me won't go away, nothing T does or says seems to be breaking the spell and she does so much, and I can't believe I'm still where I am with all of this, and wondered perhaps i need to make more effort to think about her within me instead of allowing this part of me to rule the rooste? its like I am in this battle I don't know whether I will compltely recover or whether I will put myself in an early grave before it happens, idk, I love T so much but am afraid if she can't "fix" me then nothing will work, I am to far damaged, to much taken away, the beast is winning, I can't control it....what could I do that I'm not doing? I seem to be choosing the beast over T, it saddens me and scares me at the same time, I feel I just want to lie in T's arms for ever and never move...I dont like life, how long till its over....goodbye mr chips

[Melbadaze]

October 31
Out of the Closet
You must look upon your illusions and not
keep them hidden…
Illusions have no place where love abides, protecting
you from everything that is not true.

— A Course in Miracles

In our fascination with the monsters of Halloween, we forget that the holiday began as a celebration of purification. “Halloween ” is short for “All Hallows (Holy) Evening, ” the night that precedes November 1st, All Saints' Day. The lore tells that the presence of great spir–itual light on All Saints’ Day calls forth all the unhealed spirits so they can be blessed and released. The process is similar to cleaning laundry in a washing machine. When the soap and water touch the garments, the grime is loosened, and it rises to the surface. To look into a washing machine dur–ing the agitation cycle, you would be repulsed and think that the clothes are getting dirtier. But they are actually getting cleaner. The muck must be extracted before it can be discarded.
While our culture has forgotten the spiritual origin of Halloween, you can make use of it. Are there any monsters lurking in the closet of your con–sciousness? Are you carrying any hidden fears, resentments, or grotesque memories that stalk you in the night? Are you annoyed by any emotional goblins that undermine your relationships? If so, open the door and let them fly away. Call forth the energy of love and healing, and ask God to free you of anything that stands between you and your good.
Monsters are dangerous only when we run from them. No bogeyman has any power over us unless we feed it with fear and denial. Face your demons, and you will see that they are illusions. Shine the light of truth on your basement, and you will have a whole new room to play in.

Give me the courage to move beyond my fears and be free.

I release the darkness to
make way for the light.

[Melbadaze]

that arrived in my inbox, appropriate timing.

[Sannah]

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I thought about T when she says I need to find the her in me...

How about finding the you in you? What I see is pretty impressive... I think you should look at her.

[WePow]

((((Melba)))))

There is so much pain inside your heart. I understand the emotion of wondering if healing will ever happen. But you have made such strides! I do hope you do not give up. And I hope you can find a way with T to get more of the help you deserve.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

a couple of weeks ago

Melbadaze have your feelings about the various options changed in the last couple of weeks? Easier to deal with? Harder? up and down? Could you merge a couple of those approaches? are there other options? What if yr T were to team up with someone of a different specialty? IDK...

I sense that you feel sort of trapped, unable to breathe, unable to get up on a high place and see your way clearly. that's a very disadvantaged postion from which to make a good decision. I'm so sorry

I am saying prayers for you on this All Saints' Day (and henceforward), for so many facets of the things you put in your post. I hope you find some peace in which to weigh your situation, and a wise, disinterested (meaning impartial) counsel to help you walk through your thought processes. All is not lost, even if it does feel rough around the edges. (((((((((((((((((((( mdaze ))))))))))))))))))))))

[MissCharlotte]

((Melba))

Haven't been on much and just read this. I hope you are feeling a teeny bit better. I also have a split off part that wants to die. Sometimes when I speak to T from that perspective and I reflect on it later it feels so strange because I wonder which side will "win" the battle. And I find that the pain of blaming the self for pushing T away is the rejected infant/child in me recreating her experience. It's painful, for sure. I loved the course in miracles quote you posted and wish I could tell you how to hold onto the loving part and loving feelings.

[Melbadaze]

Thanks Miss C, I miss "seeing" your around here! I think when you were "sister" you were one of the first I spoke with.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Melba )))

There is so much pain here, and I can relate....I hope you find your way...(( HUGS ))