[zooropa]

it took me the whole drive home (an hour) to work up the courage, but we're getting to the end of the telling the story part of trauma work, and I feel like I'm finally brave enough (for the moment) to ask her, what's next?

So, I did. I prefaced that by telling her that it is hard to ask, because I'm afraid of the answer.

She said after the story is done we review the (dbt) skills, then I'll start seeing her twice a month, and then once a month, and then as needed. She said that transition time can take as long as we need it to take.

I'm sad and relieved. I pretty much expected that answer, just from what I've read here and from what I know about DBT. Still, part of me must have wanted her to say "I want you to keep coming as long as you want to or need to." That part of me is sad.

I followed up the phone call with a text, because there's another part that I wasn't brave enough to ask her, even on the phone. I asked if we're going to talk about other trauma. She knows I'm referring to CSA. I also said that I imagine her answer will be maybe or something, but that I wanted to ask while I'm feeling brave in the hopes of stopping myself from spiraling out about it.

I'm wishing now that I hadn't texted but just called her again, though, because I'm waiting very uncomfortably for an answer.

This is all on top of a fairly intense trauma session, and I'm feeling pretty emotionally wiped out right now. Have to try to draw some reserves from somewhere and move on with my day and my week and my life.

((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))

You can follow up your text with a call if it's too hard to wait. It doesn't sound like something that can really be answered with a text...maybe that's why you haven't heard back from her yet?

I hope you can find a little peace to get you through the rest of the day. For me, the time between therapy and bed on therapy day is the hardest part of my week.

[shezbut]

(((zooropa)))

I can understand the overflow of emotions that you're experiencing.

Are you working within a DBT group now, or is that not an option?

I was in a DBT group, and went through each section twice before I started to feel strong enough to stop going to group. The T's don't expect most people to be done after once (though some people are, they're the minority). You may want to ask the T what she thinks of that idea as you two continue to work together.

Shez

[zooropa]

shezbut, I did the dbt group for year (twice through each module) and finished that a year ago. I'm currently attending a twice monthly second stage process group.

tree, I did exactly that, couldn't wait anymore so I called her and left a message. She called me back and we talked (she talked, I cried). Then I texted her a couple times tonight. I prefer not to text with T but my kids are here tonight and there's no way I can have a private conversation.

I totally spiraled out, cried and cried and cried. I'm feeling worn out and sad but a little calmer. My T is doing her best to be here for me now while being honest with me about the future. She said I'm starting the grieving process for losing her, and it's natural and understandable but I don't have to do it now. I didn't lose her yet.

I asked her if I'd be ready when we're done, and she said yes. I won't be done until I'm ready. And I'm not ready yet. But I'm getting there. And I know it's true. It just hurts.

And the thing is, I KNEW all of this. I think it was just a shock to my younger parts and I felt that deep, deep abandonment in a fresh new way. I'll be okay. As bad as I feel right now, and it's pretty bad, I know I'll feel better tomorrow or the next day. I know it won't last forever, that no feeling is final, and that I can survive without T. And that I don't have to survive without her right now.

Crap. Just a whole lot of big emotions and a ton of tears. All on a night when I'm seeing my kids for the first time in 2 weeks. Bad time for me to decide to open that Pandora's Box.

oh, I also told her that it's bringing up a lot of stuff related to my mom, the idea that I'm only loved (did I use that word, love? I can't remember. If I did it was the first time I've ever said that to my T and I hope it didn't freak her out. Wish I could remember) if I act the right way or say the right thing, and that it's so conditional, and that I just want someone in my life who stays. That nobody ever stays.

[jexa]

(((((zoo)))))) Termination is scary Luckily, you know that your T is in it with you for the long haul. You WILL be ready, you WILL be.

[zooropa]

((((jexa)))) Thank you. I needed to hear that. I don't feel it but I hope it's true. I've lost so much and so many people. I can't not lose T, but I can hope that it won't hurt horribly when it happens.