Many will think this was NOT okay to do

When I started that thread some months ago about wanting to drive past my Ts house, many of you disapproved and said it was crossing boundaries. I didn't do it then; I looked at her house on Google Earth street view instead. I hadn't thought about it since then.

Last night when I was reading over some of my Ts emails to me, I saw the directions I had printed. I told myself that I was going to drive by her house today. I didn't hesitate about doing it.

I felt a little guilty because it is off on side streets in an area I've never been to. But I kept going. The Google Earth photo I think was the house next door to hers anyway.

So, I'm not too worried what she will think. Of course I'm going to tell her. I won't do it again; I think I wanted to be close to her while she is away. Another reason is to see if she lived in a huge, expensive house since I know she and her H make a good living. I was glad to see her house was nice, like she is, but not too expensive looking, at least from the outside.

I know I have to talk about it in my session. My Self, who is supposed to take care of my parts, did not object to what I did. I don't know what that means.

This therapy is so different from my others, except for my very first T. I always wanted to let myself feel what I always kept inside, and that's what I'm doing. It's like I'm a 2 year old and a teenager at the same time, trying to find myself and become independent. I've got to let T see all of my needs. Driving by her house didn't seem like a big deal to me. It seemed okay. Is that weird?

(((( rainbow ))))

I know your T will help you work through whatever it is that's driving you (pun not intended, lol)...I sooooooo get the 2 year old and teenager thing. I feel like I'm there too, and I don't know how to function like a so-called "mature adult". Is there really such a thing?

*sigh*

I wish life wasn't so hard.....and I wish I could have the courage that you do to share so much with your T. I keep so much inside, so much that I can't seem to describe...and here you are, laying all cards on the table. I admire that.

Good for you (((rainbow)))! - yay for being honest about your feelings and planning on telling your T. I too can relate to you both about feeling a little less than a 'mature adult'.

yea, this is gonna come across rough. I'm not gonna apologize, because since I am going to say it anyways there is no point. I hate when people say things like "I don't want to offend you but..."

Anyways...that kind of borders on stalking IMO.

rain it will be ok and i will be here when it is time to talk to your T about this i know it will be scary for you

When I did that (several times over a period of about a year or so) and I told my T about it (I was terrified!) he wasn't upset about it at all. He wanted to talk about what it meant to me but he said it's common for patients to be curious enough to drive past their T's houses. Sometimes it's just curiosity and sometimes it's to feel more connected; he said there are lots of reasons for it and he was concerned only about how it affected me. He told me if T's can't handle this sort of thing without getting upset or paranoid they shouldn't be T's. By the way, eventually as I became closer to him and I felt more connected to him in general, I had no need to get that connection by driving past his house. Haven't done it in several years now.

(((((rainbow)))))))

When I was doing that kind of thing, my T just wanted to talk about it. She didn't make a big deal of it.

-Far

I think it's fine, and expected in some ways. Now if you were going through her garbage....that's different.

I wouldn't worry about it, it's quite a normal thing to do and you won't always have this urge, it will go away.

Rainbow, I've never thought of this as a big deal, unless it became habitual or obsessive. I've ocassionally driven by my T's house...and no I do NOT have the need to tell her!

Interesting.
I don't really know what to think about this. I understand the curiosity, but speaking for myself here, I would feel that it might be a little creepy from the outside looking in. I also think that a T should expect this kind of curiosity and behavior and should be able to handle it just fine. I think T's lives are separate from ours which is a good thing. Those that are close to us (like family for instance) wouldn't be any good to us because they cannot be objective. But--- things are not simply black and white.

Personally, I've read some things about my T, but that's as far as it will go for me. I have no further interest (I would actually be a little freaked out feeling if my T was too close). I don't even want to know where my T lives. However, I don't know if it really means anything is really defective with you simply because of this, so I wouldn't worry too much about whether or not it is "normal" or not.

I don't know if you HAVE to talk to your T about this, I think that is more of a judgment call on your part. If you feel better talking about it, then it's worth it.

(((((rainbow))))))
It's not stalking, not even close. Seriously? Driving by someone's house ONE time? That in no way constitutes stalking.

I would be very tempted to do the same thing if I had directions to my Ts house. I would probably do it if she didn't live in a different town. And no way would I tell her that, so you're already ahead of me in that respect.

Don't beat yourself up, Rainbow. What you did wasn't "bad", it just is what it is. The fact that you are aware of some boundary there and are willing to talk to your T about it says it all.

You found a way to feel connected to her. Sure, your bear is with her, but.. they are both not with you!

So you found another meaningful object, her house. I think you satisfied your curiosity and your missing her with respect--you could have driven by when she was there, hoping for a glimpse of her personal life, but you waited until you knew she wasn't at home to drive by and see her house.

Might it also be a way to tell her, when she returns, that you missed her *this* much!

I think it's quite a common thing to do, I did it myself with my first T. I wished I hadn't though, after the fact, because she did live in a very flash house. I drove past her big mansion in my crap little car at the time, and just felt like crawling into a trash can and putting myself out for collection. I dreamed about it too for ages afterwards, her house would appear in my dreams in various different ways and it would torture me. No, i never told her, I would have died if she'd known. Maybe it was my guilt that led me to dream so about it. Even worse was when I told her about the dreams and she tried to interpret them - all the while I would sit there thinking, "oh how wrong you are - if only you knew how guilty I was you would understand these dreams a lot better".
Of course, it's probably counterproductive to keep such big secrets from T, especially when it affects the way you feel in the room... but no way did I want to 'fess up on that one.

(((((((((((rainbow))))))))))))))

It's okay.

I have been tempted to drive by my T's house when he's out of town, but I haven't done it. I know he lives on a cul-de-sac in a neighborhood and it would be SO out of my way to do it. I *have* driven down the main road past the entrance to his neighborhood before, a road that I could easily avoid and might never have driven down if I didn't know T's house was near there.

For me, I know it's a way of feeling close to T. I feel like "this is how he drives to the store" or "this is how he drives to work". We live in the same town, but he lives WAY on the other side of town, so it's not my familiar stomping ground.

You didn't get out of your car and peek in her windows, or sit across the street and watch her come and go. You drove by her house. It's okay.

back than, I thought going to google earth wasnot okay, given the attachment issues...

Rainbow... do you have some real people in your life to devote your attention into? T is a tool to achieve your goals, your personal trainer... you should not be obsessing about her as person, you should focus on her ideas and thoughts...

i wonder if a better thing to do would have been to talk about it with T before instead of after you did it. i don't think it's ok, and i'm kind of sad that it doesn't bother you.

Rainbow,

I don't think it's such a big deal that you drove past your t's house. But I'm wondering how your t will feel. Awhile back, you looked up your ton the Net. You were honest and told her about it. She wasn't angry, and it didn't affect your good relationship with her. But didn't she say something about feeling scared?

rainbow, i think it's good that you are going to discuss this with your T. i honestly don't know if this is a boundary violation or not, but it may be helpful to have a frank discussion with T about wants vs. needs and feelings vs. actions as i'm sure you don't want to do anything to sabotage your therapy with her. maybe you can redirect this current focus to figuring out the childhood roots of these feelings and grieve those losses.

Deli- i am genuinely curious: what do you see thats so "not ok" about it? The fact that she found her address in the first place? Or that she actually did it? like i said, i think it becomes an issue if it becomes a habit, or leads to obsessive thoughts about it. In my case, i knew my T's address because her child attends a program where i work and i take care of the registration forms, which she knows about- so she knows i have her info. Her house is also on a road that i take home when i am in that area, but i dont necessArily have to take that route. I actually dont even know the house because they are back from the road. I just dont see it as stalkerish behavior.

Rainbow, thanks for being brave enough to bring up this topic because I certainly relate.

I got a party invitation to my T's house and that's how I found out the Big Boss at my workplace was T's wife.

I had tremendous feelings about that invitation. I didn't want to know where he lived. I didn't want to know he had a pool because that implied big ol' fancy house...yuk. I didn't want to know that he lived in my small town within a small area meaning we probably used the same gas station, grocery store, etc. I didn't want to know about any of it. Obviously, I didn't go the party.

Then I became curious and I wanted to know and had thoughts about doing a drive-by and seeing if it was as flashy as I imagined, etc. But I couldn't do that until he was out of town so I haven't...yet. I'm still torn. I kind of don't want to confirm his extravagance (if that's true). Obviously, both he and his wife are very successful so I can surmise the wealth part. But right now, I can pretend he is someone who lives modestly despite his wealth and for some reason, that's more comfortable to me.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm not the only one!

Thank you for the support and also for those who think it is wrong to drive past a T's house. I emailed my T last night and told her all about it. I don't expect emails from her until she gets back into town. My session is a week from Wednesday. I don't think she'll be angry or scared, but will want to talk about it, as do I.

I want to respond to those who feel it's wrong, but I have to do that later.

Rainbow: no, it isn't "wrong". Your T must have made her address public in some form, otherwise you would not have found out about it in the first place. If you feel a bit conflicted about it, like you seem to be, then maybe it's worth taking it up with your T. But only for your sake, so it helps you better understand your feelings and motivations around this. From the T's perspective, it doesn't matter, either way, really. Otherwise she would have kept her home address under lock and key.

I have always wanted to drive by my exT's house - while I was his client and even now, nearly 5 mo after we terminated. Like puppy love? Like a favorite teacher? Not sure, but it's not a grown-up impulse that I want to do this. My grown-up self feels like it's just too far away (25 miles?).
His house is on Google maps, and the latest pic shows that the addition at the back of the house is done. Ha! I once opened up Google Maps on my phone in a session, and there was his house as my first search results. DOH. He was cool about it.
Since we terminated, I did once go by the building where he has an office. I was in the neighborhood, just drove in the parking lot.

New girlT? I don't know her address. I know the town she lives in, figure I might see her at the mall or grocery store. She is more open about her life than the exT, I don't feel compelled in the same way. Maybe I'm more grown up with her?