Huge, HUGE rupture!!

Oh I had such a bad day in therapy. Just the pits. So it all started with after seeing my t with the other client after one of my recent sessions. (The whole pee analogy from last post of mine.) The next time he asked if I felt more connected at the end of the session. I said yes just because it sounded like the right thing to say. Soooo

Today we were doing kind of like a chain analysis on something I am working on and it was NOT going well. It was like we were both trying to shout our opposite points of view to eachother. He didn't get what I was trying to say at all and when I told him that he said, "Well that is possible and it is also possible that you are not willing to hear me either." I WAS willing to hear him but wanted us to find the middle path.

So anyway he bullheaded his way throught the entire session and then at the 10 til mark said, "Well, this doesn't seem like a very good place to end at." No *****! But do you think he would step back for one minute before that? By this point I had 'HAD IT' with him.

I looked up with fire in my eyes and said, "Well that is the beauty of not caring about a connection with you because I DON"T CARE if we end this way or not!" T said, "Ok well it is time to end. Have a good weekend." I didn't even reply.

This is what I have noticed. He has his dumb DBT consultation group on Thursdays and they are always pulling him away from me. (Lord only knows what they say about me.) I can always tell after their meetings because he definately pulls away and it isn't even in a gentle manner.

AAAAHHHHGGG!! For today I HATE THERAPY!!!!

Here, Here! I couldn't have said it better - mine was bad this week too. I'm sorry you had such a bad session and are having huge ruptures with your t. I hate it when that happens, too.

(((Kacey))) It sounds like you are angry (or hurt as my T would say). Is this something you can talk about at your next appt?

"(This is what I have noticed. He has his dumb DBT consultation group on Thursdays and they are always pulling him away from me. (Lord only knows what they say about me.) I can always tell after their meetings because he definately pulls away and it isn't even in a gentle manner. "

Wishing you some resolution and peace of mind soon.

aww Kacey...what a sucky session, and an even suckier way to end the session. I really hope you can work thru it.

Just remember that you don't actually know what the dbt dudes talk about, you don't absolutely know they talk about you.

(((((kacey)))))

You know, I have thought that I could tell when my T has talked about me in her DBT consultation group, too. It's like, she just acts DIFFERENT and more rigid and less like she is speaking from her own wise mind.

I don't know if that helps you at all. I am sorry your T was so harsh and uncaring with you. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

hmmm... I think the full moon is almost here... it seems to be having more of an effect on our T's than on us!

kaceydoes your theripist help you at all in therapy?

Oh Granite this made me cry!

I have tried three times now to post a complete response to this but my computer keeps acting up and it gets deleted before I get to finish it.

I am sorry that I come across like my therapy is like having a root canal without lidocaine. Sometimes I wish that was the treatment. Physical pain hurts me a lot less than emotional pain.

I do know that my relationship with my therapist is a difficult one at best for me to navigate. If my own parents didn't care how can t right? I know that therapy has helped me end the long cycle of serious abuse in my family and I am proud that I had the courage to be the one to do it.

I am going to post this and then continue on so I don't lose it again.

i understand what you are saying so much and keep going i know it is hard and painfull

continued.....

I have to say that last week I felt soooo connected and cared for during my session. I was trying to sort out my difficult childhood and when I left it was like I was absolutely raw with pain. I went to the restroom to dry my eyes and went to get in my car (which was right in front of t's office window.) I saw him gleefully interacting with another client like I was just forgotten. It was one of those moments where it was probably a much bigger deal in my head but it just made all those feelings of being cared for just go away. It hurt really bad. When I get hurt I turn it into anger and detatchment because I guess it just feels safer for me.

When I found out about PC I felt that this would be a place where people would understand. I guess I am finding out that my experience is pretty different than others who are in therapy. I don't mean to drag anyone down. I apologize for that. I will try to keep my posts more on the positive side. It is just for me the therapy helps me but the relationship can hurt oh so bad.

kacey, your experience may be different, but maybe not as different as you might think. i throw a temper tantrum and tell my t that i quit and that i hate her probably every other week. i get my feelings hurt by t, sometimes she just doesn't get it and it makes me mad, she's always late getting to her office (that's a big one for me),.... but i've grown more with her in the last 21 months that with any therapist i've ever seen. it's been so worth it. she frustrates me and makes me mad sometimes, but so do people in real life.

i don't think you have to always keep everything positive here. that isn't real life. and it actually helps me to see that everyone else has problems with stuff also. that i'm not the only one. i don't think i'd come back if everything here was positive. i would feel out of place.

Kacey, I DO understand. TOTALLY. I think LOTS of people here understand these kinds of triggers and the fact the relationship can hurt terribly and ALL of that. That situation that you described in your last post would have been the worst kind of trigger for me. This is why I'm glad I've never seen a T of mine interact with another client. It's the pits your next session went like THIS when you REALLY could have used the reassurance of the connection with your T!

((((Kacey)))) I know it hurts. Just keep swimming, go back next week, see if you two can deal with this in a healthy way. I agree with geez.. try to tell him that you've noticed he's different in a bad way after his DBT consultations

(((((((((((Kacey))))))))))))

I wonder if it's more similar than you think?

I've been with T for 3 years, and navigating the relationship has been THE hardest part of therapy for me...harder than all of the trauma work put together, probably. It's calmed down a lot now, but I spent years not knowing whether I loved him or hated him or both, whether I should push him away or pull him closer, whether he liked me or dreaded seeing me walking through the door, whether it was *really* okay to call/e-mail, even though he said it was, whether he was judging me and my story, whether someone like him could ever love me and all of the parts that I'm made of. And on and on and on.

And we have had some REALLY BIG ruptures. It seems like there used to be almost a cycle of them. Now, they happen less often, and when they do happen, it feels less traumatizing, but it was hard work to get to this place.

The therapy relationship is hard hard hard hard work, especially for those of us who have been abused, unloved, etc.

Hang in there

My experience this past week when I posted about my rupture and some try to be helpful and offer advice, such as stepping back and trying to work with the feelings, you feel yourself screaming aarrrggghhh, but I can't, don't you understand, this is coming from a very young part that has no abilty to reason, to listen to understand it just is. In these times nothing makes sense, it all seems senseless and the more you try to make sense of it, the worse it gets....I think all we can do is gather up our ruckstacks and drag ourselfs to therapy and just keep trying to plug through it, easier said then done I know.

ANyways, vent away, sometimes thats all we want to do, just to vent.

Thanks guys soo much for your thoughtful responses. I haven't been able to be on PC for a while this week because I have been Blue, Blue, Blue! I think that I will definately be ending therapy but I just can't talk about it right now. probably not ever. I am still here reading and thinking about all of you. take care

(((((kacey)))))

I hope that you will keep posting, even if you decide to end therapy with this T. You are still welcome here, always.

I absolutely understand how the therapeutic relationship can be so enormously painful. I have gone through SUCH emotion misery over various aspects of my relationship with my T. Like Melba, I find that my biggest, most painful reactions come from the deep, core wounds from early childhood, and I tend to act out of that childlike mind at those times. It is hard if not impossible to remember my DBT skills when I'm acting from the emotion mind of a young girl.

Anyway, please feel free to post here about any and everything you want to. You don't have to stay away when you're blue, you don't have to keep your posts more "positive", you don't have to censor yourself. At all. REALLY.

I have no idea why you would say that your experience in therapy is different than others. When I read your posts I thought - yeah been there, done that, got the T-shirt. In fact, I have several t-shirts and a tote bag.

In fact, from my observation, this board is filled with posters trying to negotiate the mine field that is the relationship with their therapists.

Sometimes there is a profound connection, sometimes there isn't. Sometimes there are outright fights.

Isolating ourself is very safe. Convincing ourselves that we are alone, for me at least, is an old comfortable place to be. Of course, seeking affirmation that we are not alone is good. However, simply saying that we feel very alone in these feelings may bring about positive results too.