[WePow]

Well, Wed was the big breakthrough session for me when I was finally able to allow the deepest and most core part of my trauma be expressed fully.

It was bone-chilling for me to hear my inner child in that way. I am not exaggerating. I can still hear that part of me saying a certain phrase over and over and wailing. I knew there was hidden pain I couldn't touch by myself. I have tried over the years to get to that part - to find out my own secrets. But I couldn't do it alone.

For those of you still working on your trauma healing work, keep on doing it. Be slow and gentle with yourself. And allow yourself the time to build trust with your T. There would have been no way I could have reached this depth without trust. And it is OK to not trust and to tell T you don't trust. Let T keep on doing what is needed to make sure all your parts (if you are DID) or your inner child knows they are actually safe. My protector part did NOT trust T up until the session right before last. T even asked if that part trusted him and that part of me didn't. And that is OK. By being honest, T could see a bit more of what that part of me needed and he said the right things to get that part of me to trust him. With that trust in place, we were finally able to get past that protector part and my most inner self was able to finally talk directly with my T.

Now for the reason of my title on this post... since Wed, I have felt very different. It is a deep peace that I have never felt before in my entire life. It is like the secret is out and I don't have to carry it with me any more. I am kinda shocked that this is the feeling I think most healthy people get to enjoy most days!

Before this breakthrough, I thought "If everyone feels the way I do every single day, how do people stay sane or alive?" The weight of the universe I have carried my entire life was so great that it made me feel like Sisyphus rolling that blasted stone uphill every single day only to have it roll back down to the bottom as I slept.

Now that the stone was finally pushed off the cliff, I feel a void. It is a good void. But I also remember something my mentor (the retired Ph.D) telling me that a void will want to be filled. And I sense that is truth.

So what am I going to choose to put into my new space of freedom?
I am "kinda afraid" because I suddenly have all this new emotional space. But I am also very happy about it. I honestly feel like the universe and my T and my hard work has given me a second chance at life. So I think I am going to spend the rest of this year in session with my T getting my new tools in place to help me make the best choices.

Thank you all for being with me along this journey!

[bpd mess]

WOW!! That is so awesome! That's where I want to be someday. And you describe it so well.

[Fartraveler]

This is wonderful and inspiring.

Yes, another whole chance. It sounds so exciting!

-Far

[alcira]

WePow, thanks for posting this. I am so happy for you. Your story gives me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel if only you could build the trust in your T. Unfortunately, I lost all trust in mine.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))

Thank you for sharing this and all of your journey with us. You give me (and I think everyone) so much hope.

I can relate in a way to what you wrote about moving forward. I have yet to begin any trauma work, but I have made significant steps away from my e.d. and it feels that has left a huge hole in my life. I've started to think about how to fill it, how to have a healthy identity again, and who I am going to be now. It is a little scary and exciting at the same time. And sometimes it is too overwhelming to even think about.

I'm so glad you have come to this peaceful place in your life.
I am really happy for you!

[jilliebeanmn]

That is terrific!!!!!!!!

[Melbadaze]

wepow, good post!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by WePow

It is a deep peace that I have never felt before in my entire life.

Wow! Gave me chills to read that. I am so happy for you.

Originally Posted by WePow

I am kinda shocked that this is the feeling I think most healthy people get to enjoy most days!

I think a lot of people don't feel this, as they don't have the contrast of not feeling this way--it makes it harder to detect and appreciate. I think because you have the contrast of before and after (dealing with trauma), you are able to feel this. It is, in a way, a gift of your trauma work.

Originally Posted by WePow

I feel a void. It is a good void.... So what am I going to choose to put into my new space of freedom?

Yes. It is an exciting time now in therapy to think how you will fill it, and when you decide, T can help you come up with ways to make happen what you want to. I think this is a reward for you and for your T--he now gets to help you with the positive instead of just working to undo the negative. It is what the two of you have been working towards. Hurray!

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Wow. That's so cool.

[dinosaurs]

this sounds so incredibly freeing

[WikidPissah]

thanks Wepow....that is so encouraging!

(((((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))))

THANK YOU for posting that

There *is* something amazingly peaceful about letting that deepest secret out. Like...a huge sigh of relief. And like you, it was recent for me...I needed to really really really really TRUST T, deep down, before I could do it.

For me, it led to some of the really deep healing work I need to do around shame, self-blame, etc. But it still feels like I'm a step farther down the path, you know?

Good for you WePow. I'm so proud of you

[rainbow8]

WePow, I am very happy for you and feel privileged to be a witness to part of your journey. You're such an inspiration to me. Everything you say is so wise. You deserve the peace you are feeling now.

[Sannah]

Wow, you do such great work WePow!!

[Oceanwave]

(((((WePow))))))

How wonderful! Do you feel you can now look into your options and fill that void with something meaningful? That's amazing, and I really hope you can put your energies into something great. The world will benefit!

[WePow]

Thanks again for all the encouragement. Not wise at all, Rainbow - LOL. I am just winging it and trying hard like all you guys :-)

Yestersay was a challenge. I had my brother call to tell me he is going to see me THIS Sat/Sunday. I love him and he is not the one with the girls.. but I was still triggered. I ended up sending T an email and wish now I hadn't done that. Not that it is his fault I am not in my good mood I have been enjoying. But he told me to not be a protector for my little brothers any more - that they are grown men.

I had also said something in the email about being irrationally worried about T - because of what I told him - because of the threats made against me as a child to harm anyone I told. I know the threats were empty and meant to manipulate me, but my little part still wanted to make sure T was "OK" ... So I included that part.

For some reason, I ended up interpreting what he told me as him telling me to not care about HIM. He said: " Your brother is a grown man. He is no longer a little boy. Let him take care of himself. Write a resignation letter from being the big sister who protects."

So of course I took this and my emotions were all "To heck with it!"
I ended up being in a ton of internal pain and think T hit a nerve (duh) but I finally had to write something back so I could just escape the pain... so this is what I sent T back:

"
Brothers,

Too long now I was sad because I wasn't able to help when I thought I should have been able to help. I don't know now how to feel or what to do.
I spent too much time being mad at myself for not being there to protect you.
But you are grown now and you are doing fine without me anyway and I project that I can help you but I can't and it is not good for me. I don't care anymore ever and I am sorry.

W "

I did start off writing my brothers in the first part, but by the last line, I was only thinking about my T. It is hard to care and not care at the exact same time. Oddly, I felt better after I sent that. I thought "Who cares? Not me! I didn't know you before you were my T so why should I care now!"

I know this was the same way I dealt with the threats when I was a kid. I emotionally turned off loving my family because I felt that would keep me safe from them being hurt.

Oh well, two steps forward, one step back. Still progress I suppose.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by WePow

he told me to not be a protector for my little brothers any more - that they are grown men.

being irrationally worried about T - because of what I told him - because of the threats made against me as a child to harm anyone I told. my little part still wanted to make sure T was "OK" ...

I ended up interpreting what he told me as him telling me to not care about HIM. "

Brothers,
Too long now I was sad because I wasn't able to help when I thought I should have been able to help. I spent too much time being mad at myself for not being there to protect you.

I don't care anymore ever and I am sorry.

I did start off writing my brothers in the first part, but by the last line, I was only thinking about my T.

It is hard to care and not care at the exact same time. "Who cares? Not me! I didn't know you before you were my T so why should I care now!"

I know this was the same way I dealt with the threats when I was a kid. I emotionally turned off loving my family because

I felt that would keep me safe from them being hurt.

You tried to protect your brothers and your family.

You stopped loving them in order to do this.

Now you are trying to protect T.

You are again trying to turn off loving him and your brother.

I feel that you can still love them and work through this at the same time.

[WePow]

I am going to see my T today about this stuff... urrrrrr.... very angry inside about it all.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( WePow ))))

How awesome!! Thanks so much for posting this....You inspire me!!

[WePow]

Saw my T today. It was a nice session - more like "Ok, now what are we going to do?" We first delt with the email stuff and T and I both agreed that I need skills that deal with boundaries and emotional regulation.

The best part of session though was that T and I both finally agreed that we feel my trauma work is now over!!!! YIPPIE !!!!!!!!!!!!

But I am also at the end of the insurance session limits for the year. Rather than giving me the usual 10 in advance, they only approved 5. Sooooo... I think I am going to be fine with that. But I already used 2 of them. So that leaves 3 until the end of the year. Of course if I need him, my T will let me see him anytime. But I am going to try to make it with just the three sessions.

So... I don't get to see my T again until next Friday! But the happy thing is I believe I can make it and that I will be just fine :-)

[Oceanwave]

((((((WePow)))))))

Wow. It sounds to me that you are at a milestone. Take a deep breath and pause for a moment to see just how far you have come.

Well done, way to go! How do you feel about all this?

[WePow]

(((((((Oceanwave)))))))) Thanks! I feel healthier finally. I feel like I am finally allowed to be OK and to be happy. I feel like I finally logically understand how my mind saved itself and my sanity through the dissociative state and by making the alters it needed in order to hide stuff from the child I was. I am not "nutsy" because of those parts of me being split away. So now I don't have the deep shame I felt from all of that! That was a ton of shame to carry around all the time. Even as a kid in first grade I remember asking other kids if they had people inside their heads they talked to and they all laughed at me! It was beyond humiliating! I thought everyone was how I was. And I hated myself so much for not being like everyone else.

Now I realize that everyone does what they need to do in order to make it through life - alive. No more shame for me in having DID or PTSD! It just is what it is.

The great part is that now that I am done with the trauma work, now that I have told all those deep secrets that kept me all bound up inside, I am finally FREE to start looking forward. A person has a hard time moving into the future when they are bound in thick chains of past trauma. I know... I tried hard and it doesn't work that way. But now I have a sense of wellness and a sense of hope. I feel like maybe it will be ok now to start thinking about the future. I am still taking it slow because I don't have my freedom legs yet. But I do feel as though I am finally out of the chains.

One of my hopes is to learn the skills I need to manage the PTSD and DID symptoms as they come up in my daily life. Instead of those things deciding my life for me, I get to finally learn how to be incharge of them! It won't be easy because PTSD changes the brain chemicals and I decided to use CBT as my method of dealing with those symptoms. And I am still dissociative at times of stress because that is the way my brain had to survive in the past. But now I can learn the skills to stay present and not allow my brain to just decide what it thinks it needs to do for survival.

I am now free to learn to be the master of my brain rather than it being the master of me!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by WePow

! I thought everyone was how I was. And I hated myself so much for not being like everyone else.

((((((((((((((((((((((( little wepow )))))))))))))))))))))))))

I can sure identify with this. I am glad you are in a new place these days.

[Sannah]

Wow.............

[peaches100]

Hi WePow,

I think you are doing so awesomely in your recovery! Seriously -- I'm in awe at what you've accomplished so far. It's so good to see you healing.

I have a couple of questions to ask you, if you don't mind me doing so. One is, how did you get past the fear of finding out what was hidden regarding your trauma? I mean, did you have a part of you that knew that there was something repressed/forgotten, but you were too afraid to find out what it was because you did not think you would be able to handle knowing? If so, how did you overcome that fear in order to let what was forgotten come into your consciousness?

Also, once you were able to unload alot of your pain, and you felt that openness and freedom, did you ever feel uneasy about feeling so good, almost like you didn't know how to enjoy feeling that way? Or like it was somehow scary to feel good?

Your posts are very encouraging to me, and I'm glad you are sharing your journey with us here.