[Melbadaze]

After my sessions a week or so ago regarding the serious trigger, something big has changed. I had to email T about how I felt yesterday, feeling as if I had rendered her redundant and how much I do adore her, and that I know Its not my job to make her feel better etc etc, and T replied saying it was an important email, not so much that I need to make her feel better, but that I want to fix things between us which is what she had been talking about before, creation being the opposite of destruction and the email showed I was able to tolerate holding both sides at the same time, she said it was a very powerful email.

I can't explain how I feel inside since those rabid sessions of a week or so ago, memory's of destruction and hatred within my adoptive mothers relationship with me woke up, I was or am able to see them, and realize that growing up as I couldn't get love from her, I accepted hatred, I understood hatred as a feeling, that hatred was superior to indifference, on those days indifference felt like psychic death. I saw how destroyed our relationship got and how there never was any "real" creation, fixing it, not like whats just gone on between T and myself, its like I've been trying to create all these yrs, but coming up against people just like my adoptive mother and destruction just being the main factor.

I feel unburdened now, I feel as if my need to keep repeating the destructive aspect of any relationship has gone, I am very aware of what a successful rehabilitation of a relationship with someone feels like now, I have mastered it, I have a new experience, it feels wonderful. It feels as if I finally acted out a very painful experience and it has been healed.

This has been a very major part of who I become, because of the constant destructiveness of my first relationships, its like I became a warrior with no real battle, only the ones left in my head, I saw life like a battle that needed to be survived, but now thats all changed, I see positiveness and creativeness and less evil in the world.

Its good!

[Sannah]

Wow! Great work!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I feel as if my need to keep repeating the destructive aspect of any relationship has gone, I am very aware of what a successful rehabilitation of a relationship with someone feels like now, I have mastered it, I have a new experience, it feels wonderful.

This is healing at such a deep level. Congratulations. Sounds momentous. It is so important to have the experience of doing something different, and learning how that feels. It can be like suddenly the gears and levers all slide into place and the broken timepiece suddenly works. Just feels so right.

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I saw life like a battle that needed to be survived, but now thats all changed, I see positiveness and creativeness and less evil in the world.

Its good!

Yay!!! I am happy for you, Melba.

[jazzy123456]

thanks for the post.kudos to u!

[bpd2]

Excellent!