[DoggyBonz]

Hi,

I've been struggling with this for a few months now and decided that to post in the hope that I can find some relief.

In June I found out that my therapist - the first one I had ever trusted and formed a strong bond with would not be able to see patients anymore due to the fact that she had lost her license for sleeping with another patient. She was going to try to get her license back but that meant showing the board that she was not seeing any patients and following the rules.

The other problem is that my psychiatrist - who I do not have a bond with recommended her to me and also the person she had the affair with. His - the person she had the affair with - wife is my psychiatrists best friend.

Ok, hopefully I have not confused you. Also I see this therapist at the gym almost every weekend. I miss her terribly and went through a very suicidal state. Our last appointment was in August and I still feel like I will never connect with another person. The things I told her, the trust I had.

I hate this time of the year, getting dark at 4:30, the holidays etc...I just want to talk to her and I know I can't. Even if she did get her license back she has said she would not see me b/c she did not want me to wait for her and wanted me to move on with another therapist. Really??? How do I do that?

Any help/advice would be very appreciated. I hope I have not confused anyone. The bottom line is that I am trying to get over her and feeling like I'll never be able to trust another person again.

[rainbow8]

I've gone through "getting over my T" a few times in my life with different Ts. The key for me has been getting a new T to replace the other one. You are probably saying "but I want MY T" not another one. That's how I was too. But therapy is complicated.

The feelings you have for a T are about that particular person, but they are also more general--the transference part. The trust you have for your T can be built up the same way with another good T. It's the nature of the therapeutic relationship for that to happen. It just takes time.

I never thought I'd get over my first T, many years ago. When I saw a new T, we spent a great deal of time discussing my other T, and she helped me come to terms with my grief about not having her anymore.

Last year, I quit seeing a T who I'd been seeing for more than 5 years. I was so attached to her that I never ever imagined I'd be able to leave. But I did. I found a new T and attached to her pretty quickly. She's the best T I've ever had!

I think it's hard to "get over" a T if you aren't seeing another one. It also sounds incredibly difficult to see her at the gym. I can relate to that because I have seen my former T around too, and in the beginning I couldn't function after seeing her. Can you switch gyms, or go at a different time?

Allow yourself to grieve, for you ARE grieving a loss in your life. I hope that you can connect with another T, and work out some of your grief with that T. Find a T who fits; don't just go to anyone. That will be healing for you.

[WikidPissah]

This whole situation is so hurtful and just sux. I am so sorry you have to go thru this, it isn't fair.

Originally Posted by DoggyBonz

Even if she did get her license back she has said she would not see me b/c she did not want me to wait for her and wanted me to move on with another therapist. Really??? How do I do that?

You move on by looking for a new T. One step at a time, get out your spidey senses, and begin interviewing T's. It isn't going to be easy...so NOT easy...but you need to do it for you, because you deserve a good T.

You should not have been put in this situation, I wish you peace as you try to move forward.

[Miracle1986]

my question would be... does one ever really get over a therapist?

[with or without you]

It took me years and years to get over my first one, probably 7 years. Ouch.

[rainbow8]

I don't like the term "get over" though I used it too. I still think about my first T but I don't cry about her anymore. It's more than 25 years since I've seen her. I've put her into proper perspective in my mind. She was extremely important to me back then, and I had difficulties when I left her, but now I think about her fondly. She has a place in my heart. That's the goal rather then "getting over" someone.

[BlackCanary]

Originally Posted by DoggyBonz

... Even if she did get her license back she has said she would not see me b/c she did not want me to wait for her and wanted me to move on with another therapist. Really??? How do I do that?

Any help/advice would be very appreciated. I hope I have not confused anyone. The bottom line is that I am trying to get over her and feeling like I'll never be able to trust another person again.

My first therapist left for a new job in June - I'd been a client for about 18 mo. I did start with someone new right away - part of me knew that I was not done with therapy even though I had to be "done" with exT.
So, like everyone has said, even your T - you have to try with a new T. You have to keep taking care of yourself. You can also talk about your grief, that pain.How do you do that? You just go - one foot in front of the other. You go and you talk, you cry.
Next, I'd have to agree that you will recover better if you can avoid crossing paths with your former T at the gym. Like any intense relationship that has ended abruptly, a bit of distance can allow you to regroup.
Like Rainbow noted, the intensity can mellow. After 5 mo, I still think of exT, but now I've had time to really peel away the layers of that relationship, understand what I really need in my other relationships. I do miss him, "pine" for him a bit.