[rainbow8]

I don't know why it feels so good to hold T's hand. If I think about it in an adult way, it's weird and gross. But, there I was, asking to hold her hand as we walked to my car. I don't know if it was the child part holding Mommy's hand, or "me" holding Ts hand. Or both. I didn't know I was this needy.

Now that I think of it, I wanted to hold my first Ts hand too. But she wouldn't let me. Neither would any of my other Ts. It doesn't feel sexual, just so very, very good.

Of course I sent her an email about this already. She knows a child part likes to hold her hand. But why? I know my mother held my hand when I was little. It's so strange that I want hand-holding so much.

I hold my T's hand when I need/want to. It just feels grounding, connected, and safe. I don't wonder about it at all. It just "is" and it's fine. It feels like a gift to be able to have that kind of safe touch.

What if you just accept it? Can it just be okay?

[rainbow8]

tree, I want to just accept it but it's hard for me. It's something so foreign to me because I don't come from a family of "touchers". It doesn't seem normal to want to hold her hand. I can't believe I asked her to touch me twice today: once for a hug at the end, and when we walked out together when I asked to hold hands. It's new behavior for me. I sort of like that I can ask her to do those things, and she does it without questioning me. She doesn't ask me why I want it; she just does it!

[bpd mess]

i'm the same way. i need hugs from my t and she holds my hand. i need it to stay grounded and it helps me feel safe. t and i had a big discussion about it because i thought it was kind of weird. she said it's just fine and helpful for me. it would make me really sad if i couldn't get a hug from my t.

[cmac13]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

tree, I want to just accept it but it's hard for me. It's something so foreign to me because I don't come from a family of "touchers". It doesn't seem normal to want to hold her hand. I can't believe I asked her to touch me twice today: once for a hug at the end, and when we walked out together when I asked to hold hands. It's new behavior for me. I sort of like that I can ask her to do those things, and she does it without questioning me. She doesn't ask me why I want it; she just does it!

Rainbow - I too come from a family of non "touchers". I cannot remember a time as a child of ever being held, hugged or kissed. With my therapist it feels like I am so needy. I especially look forward to that end of session hug
it feels so safe to have her arms around me. a couple of weeks ago I asked her to read some of my favorite children's books and tape them for me which she did without hesitation. She never questions me on what I feel even though to me it feels so childish. She accepts the child part of me without question. My biggest problem is it takes me forever to ask for what I need from her and she wants me to not feel afraid to ask.

[sugahorse1]

I am a very needy person too. I think I'd love to reach a point where I could hold my T's hand, but she's very professional. I know that holding her hand would bring about a flood of emotions - of suddenly being cared for, of feeling touch, of belonging... - it would be very emotional as the floodgates open. I know myself well enough in that regard, as I often experience it when I get a hug from a friend or similar.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

tree, I want to just accept it but it's hard for me. It's something so foreign to me because I don't come from a family of "touchers". It doesn't seem normal to want to hold her hand. I can't believe I asked her to touch me twice today: once for a hug at the end, and when we walked out together when I asked to hold hands. It's new behavior for me. I sort of like that I can ask her to do those things, and she does it without questioning me. She doesn't ask me why I want it; she just does it!

Same...."touch" in my family tended to be either non-existent or dangerous. Blah

But, I was thinking about what you wrote, and I realized that there is a lot of touch in my family now. I nursed all of my boys and carried them in a sling when they were babies/toddlers, and they are all very cuddly (my autistic son a bit less so). They will all reach out and hold my hand, even my 13 year old I am so used to GIVING safe, loving, connecting touch.

I think the reason why it's so important for me in T, is because there is something really healing about GETTING that kind of touch. It's filling up a empty place in me. I think it makes me feel like *I*, and little me, deserve that as much as my boys, who I love so much. It makes me feel like even though no one loved me the way I love my boys, that maybe it wasn't *me* that was unlovable. Maybe I was just surrounded by people who couldn't love.

[WikidPissah]

I am very huggy and cuddling with my immediate family. My 23 yr old son doesn't leave for work without giving me a hug and kiss and telling me he loves me...every morning. The funny thing is I always soak it up, I never just do it without thinking, it is my favorite part of the day. I am the same with my 21 yr old daughter...she and I cuddle up in her bed to talk a lot...and every minute is precious.

I can't translate that warm huggy feeling outside of my home very well though, and the thought of holding someone's hand is really foreign to me. Makes me think so much of you for being able to do that...it is incredibly brave and trusting.

[WePow]

Rainbow, when I was in my early 20's (about 20 yrs ago - lol), I "came out" to my brother who is only one year younger than me. He was asking me stuff about if I had found a new boyfriend since leaving my ex-H. I told him "I am gay." Now that brother has always been what people would call a very conservative guy - no drinking at all when we were teens and everyone else was doing it - and no movies over PG-13. I was very worried that he might reject me right there, and that would have broken my heart. But I had to be honest with him.

We were walking around in the grocery store when this conversation took place. He was just listening. When I finished, I said something like "I hope you don't hate me because I am gay." He said nothing but looked me right in the eyes and smiled. Then he took my hand and we walked hand in hand just swinging arms.

There is no way to describe how wonderful that made me feel. I sense maybe that is a little like how you are feeling. There is just something amazing about being loved without words - of being safe - even when someone knows our deepest secrets.
It is unconditional love.

[rainbow8]

bpd mess: thanks. Yeah, I feel so weird about it but it does feel safe and right when I hold her hand. Hugs are more normal; holding hands to me is something kids do, or partners do. I used to like holding hands with my boyfriends when I was dating. I held my kids' hands all the time, and now my grandchildren's. But my female Ts hand?

cmac: I love it that your T made the children's tapes for you. It's such a loving thing to do. My parents hugged me up to a certain age because I remember it with my Mom. But after that, not much. We didn't kiss hello or goodbye. I didn't even know how to kiss until college! Other relatives came from out-of-town and there was much hugging and kissing. I was amazed! I also didn't want any part of my friends hugging me when we were married with kids. It embarrassed me.

sugahorse: I know what you mean about your T being professional. When I mentioned about wishing I could hold my former Ts hand, she treated that as part of my problem, and steered clear of it. I will never forget when I first told my current T that the child part wanted to hold her hand. She came right over, sat next to me, and held out her hand. I will NEVER, EVER forget that as long as I live.

tree: I am so glad there is touch in your family now! Yes, I nursed my kids, and one of them, for a very long time. I kissed and hugged them a lot! I don't remember those kinds of hugs while growing up. My Mom couldn't nurse me, either. YOU were never unlovable, tree!!!!

Eileen: since you have a huggy relationship with your adult kids, maybe you don't need it with your t. I don't know if I was brave so much as desperate!

WePow: thanks for sharing that heartwarming story about your brother and you. Yes, it does feel like that. T doesn't make a big deal about it; she just gives me her hand. It makes me feel like she loves me. I've gotten criticized a lot in my life, or maybe I'm too sensitive. T loving me even though I'm not perfect gives me something I think I missed.