Arghhhhhh

My T and I have an agreement that we text at the beginning and end of the day. She finishes her day at a set time but doesn't just suddenly disappear at that time. In her words: "I will never just leave without saying bye".

My session is on a Wednesday evening. Last Tuesday night she disappeared without saying bye, and I really struggled. The next morning she explained that she'd written a reply but her phone hadn't sent it, but I was already spiralling. I don't know what the feelings were- abandoned? Unsafe? Angry? She worked hard to make it better, but I just pushed her further and further away. By the time my session time came round, I had to drink to feel able to go. Needless to say, it was a really pointless and very painful session.

Last week was a really difficult week for me anyway (my partner of 7 years moved to a country 24 hours away from me on Saturday) and it was so hard not to have the session I needed with T. I've had a really rocky week with T, pushing her away and being quite angry with her. Yesterday and today things have finally settled with T and it felt like we'd finally recovered and I was really looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. Until... this evening she disappeared without replying or saying bye.

Arghhhhhhhh!! I am trying to choose to respond differently from last time, to save myself a week of misery. I tried to let go of the panic that something bad had happened to her or her daughter. I pushed away the assumption that she's changed her mind about me and decided to leave me. I made up three reasonable explanations for why she might have disappeared (e.g her battery died, she didn't get my message, she fell asleep early).

An hour after we should have said bye, while I was working on feeling different, she texted me to say sorry, her daughter was ill and that's why she hadn't been able to text. I basically replied that I'm so sorry her daughter is ill but go away and leave me now. I feel the same spiralling in my head. Rationally, I totally understand. But I feel so triggered by her daughter being ill and so ? so what? I can't bear the thought of another awful session tomorrow, instead of the session I was looking forward to and needed. I can't handle the week of regret that follows. I so want to handle this differently. But how?

One way to do that? Show her this post, if you can. This sounds really HARD. I would definitely be triggered by "my daughter is ill." It would make me really sad that I wasn't T's daughter. Then I would berate myself for the sadness. And on and on. I don't know if you react similarly.

Don't drink before session. Show up. Instead of acting out, use your words to express the way you feel. Tell her as much of these feelings as you are able, even if you have to just print this post and hand it to her. Work on these feelings, try to stay open, try to stay willing to work, despite the trigger.

(((Improving))) I think you're doing a great job so far though, sounds like this is progress, even with the angry text, and that is great.

I think it would be wise to not have an agreement like that, because things are going to come up and she isn't always going to be able to text you. It may do more harm then good, even though the intentions are good it could end up being harmful. Maybe you could find a different type of way to communicate. I know a lot of therapists wont text because of the issues that can come up.

Thank you so much for replying and understanding Jexa. I do indeed wish I was T's daughter (all the time). T's child getting ill is one of my worst fears, because T would leave me for her.*My feelings towards her child are so complex- sometimes I feel really jealous and hate her, other times I feel so protective of her and wish she was my sister and I could look after her. I have a lot of anxiety, both that T will only have enough for her child and not for me, and that her child doesn't get enough because T I take it all. I wish she didn't exist yet at the same time I so want her to have a happier life than I have.*

So I guess it brings up sibling rivalry and how I didn't get enough as a child and my fears about how I'll make sure my children will get enough when I'm a mother.*

Overall, I'm glad I know about her child. There is something healing in experiencing T parenting her small daughter alongside reparenting me, and in seeing that this time round there's enough for me too.*

I don't think that stopping the contact in reaction to this would be the wise decision. Surprisingly, it is very reliable, perhaps because my T provides DBT which has telephone contact as an integral part, so my T has it so well built into her life. I do appreciate what you're saying though about real life being unpredictable and needing to be flexible and accepting. I will work on this.

I guess I'm disappointed that I still react this way. T gives me everything I need. I *know* she's not going to leave me or forget me, not only because she tells me every day but because she's consistently shown me over time, but this is still my instinctive reaction when she doesn't reply.