the small stuff of therapy can be big

T and I have worked on some deep and difficult problems in therapy--past trauma, divorce, etc. Now we are working on things I judge to be more surface and less momentous. But I'm discovering even working on what seem to be smaller problems can be really big and profound. It's like the significance of our incremental work has caught me by surprise--this isn't so "small" after all!

I went to my last session thinking we might have a conflict, and I dreaded that, because I do not handle conflict well. I do not have a history of lots of ruptures with my T or with other people in my life, although T and I have had a disagreement or two. I wanted to bring up a conversation from our last session and be very direct, but I also felt that by questioning what we talked about, this would somehow bring us into conflict. Last time T seemed to insist on talking to me about certain things and telling me to "listen, this is important", and then after I heard what he said, I wouldn't get how it was even relevant to what I thought we were talking about or why it was so important. We were not on the same page at all. I left feeling confused.

When I told T I was confused about the previous session, he was immediately very open and wanted to hear more. He did not get defensive at all and I was able to state my lack of understanding with "I" statements. It was a model conversation, actually, and went so well, it is hard to believe I dreaded it so.

T had said he would do 2 things for me before this session, but he had forgotten to do them. He explained that he has so much going on now that he needs to write things down or he won't remember. Before our session, I had decided he probably was not going to have done either of these things because of the latent conflict I felt at our last meeting. Not doing these things would be a passive aggressive way of saying he was unhappy with me because of our last meeting. But when he said he hadn't done these things and apologized for forgetting, I realized he really had not “forgotten” deliberately in order to send me some kind of disapproving or censuring message. He had just forgotten! It was so simple. And I learned that if I wanted to help him remember, I could ask him to write something down. It just all seemed so uneventful and clear and without ulterior and secret subtext.

I want to bring this kind of “small” realization to my life outside therapy too. These things have the potential to change my daily life so much. After I finished with the trauma work, divorce, etc., I was anxious that I should quit therapy because now I didn't have anything "important" to work on. I have just been so wrong on that. I want to encourage people who slay their big demons in therapy to keep on for a while. With the so-called big stuff out of the way, there is a lot of progress that can be made.

So glad t was open to hearing you even though he had said "listen, this is important" thanks Sunrise. i slayed the trauma dragons long ago, now working on ex-h and of course, the damn depression.
You are so right on, getting the big stuff of out of the way let's you work on all the other stuff. everytime i think i am finished, more stuff comes up... big and small...

Actually Sunrise, don't you think that major life improving things can be accomplished with this "small stuff"?

Yes, absolutely. That is what I meant when I wrote, "These things have the potential to change my daily life so much." and "the small stuff of therapy can be so big." It sounds like you agree! Perhaps this is more obvious to other people than me. It seems like therapy at first was all dealing with crises and working on trauma. I didn't know this "small stuff" would come later in therapy and actually give just as much value as the earlier, "bigger" work. It is such a nice surprise.

I don't think that it is all that obvious. No one talks about it (until your post here!). It was a big surprise to me too when I experienced it.

thanks for the insight. I havent tested out my own experience yet...but, I'm tempted to believe that a lot of the TRUE work of therapy, is actually done once you terminate because, maybe thats the true test of a job well done. Therapy is supposed to help you learn enough about yourself so you take what you learn and put it into practice in your daily life! i could be wrong but, if you don't do that then therapy loses its purpose....i do agree though, sometimes the "small" things are actually "big" things and vice versa, thats why we have to give value to our pain. to our struggle. this is what i think.

It depends where you are at in your therapy. If you are far enough along you can go it alone with what you have learned. If you are not far enough along you still need the help of a therapist.

sunrise, yes this is where the real healing happens...in dealing with in the session stuff thats happening in real time...all the trauma stuff is sometimes a defense against dealing with the "small" stuff...

Maybe if you are lucky you will find that it keeps coming up throughout your (after-T) life...?

I like this distinction because this is what it is all about, the present verses the past and change only comes when dealing with the present.

wow what a great thing.you sound so hopefull i'm just soaking it up

For me, I am not waiting for termination to try out all this stuff in real life. I am just trying it out as I learn it. There is no better time than the present! If I run into difficulties, I still have T around to help troubleshoot.

I like that, jazzy. I have sometimes felt that way about the depression I experienced--it had its role in my life, its value at the time.

Thanks for understanding and sharing your surprise, Sannah. There is no guide to therapy that we are handed when we begin, so we don't know what possibilities to expect.

That is an interesting thought! I did not experience my trauma work that way, but have been glad we got through it relatively quickly. My T is very big on wanting to give clients relief quickly from the pain of trauma. (He's a healer at heart and doesn't like to see people suffer.) I think because of all the stuff happening in my life at the time (divorce, etc.), we had to bulldoze through the trauma kind of fast, at least compared to the pace of some approaches. (As T said to me once, "hold on!") But it worked out OK. I like where I am at now with the small stuff, which is having big pay-offs for me.

I'm curious if some here identify with your statement, Melba, that "the trauma stuff is sometimes a defense against dealing with the 'small' stuff"? If so, I want to pass on the message that it is not bad here at all--don't be frightened. Defenses are usually borne of fear.

sunrise, yes its a defense...and aren't all therapists healers? Becareful of falling into a therapist beleive that the trauma is "all done now"...perhaps some desire to please a therapist ca get caught up in that thinking? If my T is a "healer" then I must get healed or he won't like ne? Trauma takes yrs...its insipid...how we respond to it can become more controllerable...

That's interesting you experienced that as a defense, Melba. You're right--I don't think I'm completely done with the trauma. But some of the big demons are out of the way. Still, echoes and ripples come up from time to time. And there is one area with some trauma that I have still not tackled. Right now I am making a different sort of progress in therapy (the small stuff). I guess I don't feel pressured to finish all the healing immediately, because my real life crises have calmed down. That feels good to me--maybe some would say I'm being lazy? But the small stuff is so worthwhile. Yes, the length of trauma work can indeed vary. It depends on many things--the trauma experienced, the client's resources and motivation, the T's approach and techniques, the T relationship, etc. I think Ts with different approaches could end up taking quite different amounts of time with the same client.

What you wrote about my therapist being pleased--I think he would be pleased to help me with more trauma. Or not. But he's not invested in either--that's for me to decide. He's a trauma specialist so he would not shy away from doing more trauma work with me. Or make me feel less "likable" for needing this. He usually lets me choose what we do, according to my needs.

I do think my T identifies more strongly with being a healer than some Ts do. He makes a distinction between being a therapist and a healer. There is overlap. My first therapist did not seem like a healer at all. She was more of a band-aid applier.

I'm for working on things as they come up........

sunrise, I'm not sure I see things the same as you...I personally trying to distinguish between whose a healer and whose not to me is more about a fantasy of having powers others don't...your second reply describes basic healing in therapy...i was confused at first by your first eply I read as your T being smagic healer that has the power to decide how long someone can suffer for...which of course isnt in anyones hands accept time which really negates any thoughs of someone being a healer...I think iys incorrect to say some therapists take longer be cause of their technique...undertones of "dragging it out" haging around with that hinking...î guess one could see it another way and sa those with indepth training and knowledge take the time it takes working at really underpinning recovery and a quick recovery lacks any real underpinning? healing is about underpinning for long term recovery....so in that case healer is really just a geneic term for a therapist...î doubt any therapist wishes not to help someone heal? as you say even a sticky plaster has healing qualitys? ...

Awesome that things are going so well! Yes, every part of therapy, regardless of how small you perceive it to be, can have a profound impact on you.
I'm just glad to see you so strong and willing to work through it!

Not at all sure I agree with this. I think a very skilled healer could achieve a lot of progress towards "recovery" in a much shorter time than is usually believed. Do "interminable" therapies lasting years and years and years achieve a lot of long-lasting success? I think even Freud and his coworkers recognized the failures of such therapies that never seemed to end.

I read about a London anorexia therapist many years ago whose therapies lasted some weeks -- and in a survey his patients were the only ones who declared themselves to have been "cured". And from the description of the therapy I could see why. His insight and technique, to the extent that I could understand it, made the difference, because they made what he did in therapy different.

patchy....you read about it? Depends on who wrote what and why and how much denial someone is in?

Denial? I don't think so.

The main piece I read was by a British mathematician (!) named E.C. Zeeman, using a mathematical model called "Catastrophe Theory" applied to a number of biological problems. He collaborated with the therapist, John Hevesi, and published in several scientific journals and books.

The survey I mentioned was carried out by what was then known as the Anorexic Aid Society*, and its Secretary Patricia Hartley, a psychologist, was the one who was noted as having said that a survey of more than 1,000 patients found "These patients are the only ones who claim that they have recovered completely -- i.e. whose attitude to life itself has changed since undergoing Hevesi's treatment. They are not just eating properly (only the awful surface problem anyway) but living life as a complete personality."

This is from the article called "A Catastrophe Theory of Anorexia Nervosa" in the book Hunger Models, edited by D.A. Booth. Basically the same article appeared in other publications.

* I think this organization became "beat":

http://www.b-eat.co.uk/Home

patchy, I know you like your surveys, I dont hold much by them, we all tend to produce evidence that supports what we want to believe in, 2nd hand info, I'm more into actual experience, and i know from my own experience how much underpinning building up ones internal strenght isn't something done in weeks, not if it took yrs to get there...I apprciate your imput though.

I do? When have I mentioned surveys?

Check out my references! See if I am making this up... <--

Don't read too much into what I wrote by imagining undertones that are not there. I don't think some Ts "drag it out"--they just use different techniques. There is more than one way to get from point A to B, and if a certain longer or shorter path works for a client, then great. I'm not placing a judgment on that, just neutrally acknowledging a fact. My T has specifically chosen to specialize in trauma techniques that are faster than others. Other Ts make different choices in their training. It doesn't make one T more magical than another.