Would this bother you?

A few weeks ago when I was still meeting with t on a consistent basis. I went into his office for my appointment and one of the chairs was facing his and practically touching. (I know there was someone in it because from where I park I can see shadows of people in there.) I don't think that there was two feet in between those chairs when I came in for my appointment and I am not exaggerating. They were also face to face. My thought when I entered was oh my gosh she was on your lap.

Of course this bothered me. I sit in the farthest chair away from him and ususally push it right up to the wall. I obviously have intimacy problems so no judging please or harsh posts.

I have been very honest about how I am jealous that t has other clients etc and I have specifically told him that his intimacy with them dilutes his intimacy with me. I am wondering if this was on purpose or was it just inconsiderate of him not to move that chair back to it's original place? I don't care to ask him because I think I would be brushed off about it and would end up feeling stupid. Where he would just deny it or say he didn't recall that.

My question is, am I overreacting, overthinking, letting my core wounds get the best of me? How do I deal with this so it doesn't affect any future therapy I may have? And would this bother you if you were in a similar situation? Please Help!

Consider taking a Non judgmental stance.

My T does gestalt therapy, so my first thought would be that they were using the empty chair technique for something. I think if this were to happen to me, that my ugly green envy monster might make an appearance....and that would make for good therapeutic discussion. Of course, I'm not all that brave.

Now, you know that the only feelings that matter are yours - and if it bothers you, it might be worthwhile for you to consider addressing it with your T.

((Kacey)) as painful as it feels right now I would discuss this at your next appt. You will learn something from this. Keep us posted on what you discover.

kacey, yeah, it would bother me. my question is: did he move the chair after you got there, or leave it where it was when you walked in? sounds kinda awkward either way.

i'm not sure how to tell you to handle it, other than the standard it's-worth-discussing-with-your-therapist response

I promise you I would notice that something in his office had moved, and mention it. I like consistency in his office. In fact, I would have to move the chair back.

One thing that works for me when I suspect that I've got a cognitive distortion going is to write out all the possible scenarios that explain the situation other than the one that getting the most airtime in my head.

It helps to get it all out in front of me and provides direct evidence that what I perceive may not be the case at all.

Sometimes it really helps to look at situations from a variety of different ways.

For instance, what is the most benign interpretation of the position of the chairs that you can think of?

can you think of other possible reasons the chairs were so close?

maybe they pushed them up together because they needed space somewhere else in the room. i once walked into my old-Ts office and the set up was similar to what you described - he said i could move the chair to wherever i felt comfortable, but that his last client was doing anger work with him and that the chairs needed to be close together for some reason (i didnt really care - just wanted to sit as far away as possible, so didnt bother to ask for more detail).

You could be curious and ask about that.. nothing wrong with being curious

I would like to believe your therapist did not leave the chairs like that on purpose knowing it might bother you. That would be unproductive and not very professional.

I would be jealous and upset and I'm not sure if I would be able to bring it up with T or not.

I'm thinking of some reasons for the closeness. My T does EMDR and I asked her why she moved closer to me once and she showed me the wires on the buzzer thingies. They didn't stretch so far! She also sits next to me on the couch when she holds my hand. Maybe it was something that came up for that client and was a one-time occurence. Maybe the client was showing T photos. I've had a T sit closer when I'm showing my photos.

I hope you're able to bring this up in your session if it continues to bother you. All of our feelings our important to discuss in theray.

((((((((((kacey)))))))))))))

I notice every little thing in T's office. I can honestly tell if his chair has moved a few inches back or forward from where it usually is. I know everything on his desk, and where it usually is. When ANYTHING in that room changes, I get curious.

T sits with me on the couch a lot. When he does, he always puts a pillow behind his back. I went in one day and the pillow was in that position on the couch, and I wondered if he sat on the couch with another client. And yeah, I felt jealous.

I KNOW T has other clients, and they have relationships with varying degrees of closeness, and actually, I think I'm okay with it...but when another client "invades" my therapy (or rather, the thoughts of another client), I don't like how it feels.

I never asked T if he was sitting on the couch. I do know that our relationship is different than the relationship he has with a lot of other clients, and I like how it is, so I guess I have to share him. darn it.

Yah tree,
If I smell someone elses cologne I always say, "It stinks in here!" and I make him open the window even if it is only 10 degrees outside. Ha. Then he usually asks me half way through if he can shut the window now. I do feel like it is an invasion of my space. I don't want have to tnink about any other client in there. I know that I have jealousy issues. I am oh so well aware of them. I get where they come from too but that so far has not made my struggles any easier.

I do have more of this chair story to talk about but I can't get into it right now. I still have to think about it.

I don't think you are overreacting. I freak if anything is out of place in my T's office.

I don't know why the chairs were there in the first place, but I don't think it is inconsiderate of your T to leave the chairs in a certain configuration just because you might possibly react a certain way to them. You are having the feelings--he isn't making you respond that way. It sounds like this is triggering for you, but it is not up to your T to avoid your triggers. Being triggered in therapy is actually good, because then you can work on it immediately--very convenient! My T sometimes leaves stuff from the previous session awry, but I don't believe he consciously does this with me in mind. He just didn't get around to plumping the cushions or rearranging the furniture. Sometimes he will do it as we sit down. It does not bother me. I like when he has been sitting in my chair in his previous session and then I get to sit there.

Kacey2, since you are interested in why the two chairs were so close, here's another possibility. When my T is trying really hard to connect with a client and feels the client needs a stronger presence from him, he will move the chair closer. In some of our hardest sessions, he has sat almost knee to knee with me, facing me in his chair. It helps in such difficult sessions to be closer. It's a technique he uses--nothing wrong with it. Maybe your T uses it too.

If I asked my T about something like this at the next session, I'm pretty sure he would not remember it at all. It sounds like if your T did say he forgot, you might not believe him? If he doesn't recall, you could help him out by explaining. Sometimes Ts just forget stuff, but it isn't deliberate. I do think though that if this is important to you, by all means bring it up. I hope your T wouldn't brush you off. What's important to you is just the sort of topic to bring up in therapy. You can get a lot of mileage in therapy out of this sort of thing. Good luck!

Sunrise,
I think that you are right. He didn't not move them on purpose and he might think that I am insane for thinking so even briefly. I am not going to say anything to him. But I tell you what, I am thinking of changing my routine up myself just to see how it feels for me. I will sit in the chair next to his desk tomorrow. I have never done that before in fact the direct opposite of pushing my chair way to the back wall. This will definately be wierd for both of us. I will let you know.....

This is about me. About too close, too far. About my struggles with knowing my place with t. It is about finding the middle path between inimacy and no intimacy at all.
It is also to do with hypersensitivity of my surroundings. Once learned to an art as a child it is hard to let go even when you don't need to be hypervigilant anymore.

That sounds like a great experiment, Kacey! Therapy is the best place in the world to try out new ways of interacting. I hope it will feel OK for you to sit closer. And yes, I definitely want to hear how it goes.

kacey,
I sit in different spots/places all the time. Depends on how I feel that day and what I want to talk about. I fight urges to want to sit on the floor sometimes but it only crosses my mind for a moment as I'd rather be eye- level with T. A lot of people have problems with "intimacy" and safe distance and things like that with their T's. What is my place? Where can I feel safe with T in this room? I am one of those people who would completely freak if my T gave me a hug or held my hand (**shudder**) or something like that, whereas most people here seem to like that kind of stuff.

Senator,
I really liked your post. Thank you. You said it so perfectly for me, "what is my place?" If I could just find an answer to this.

Ok so I did it!
I went into t's office and for the very first time ever I sat in the chair right next to his desk! I have never ever done this. In fact like I said before I usually take the same chair furthest away and literally scoot it back up against the wall. Not today! Of course this got a reaction out of him. And I just told him that it was an experiment. I didn't tell him what the experiment was (I am not clear myself just yet) and that I did not want him to push the issue.

It felt sooo weird. In fact just to ante up a little bit I even set my can of soda on the edge of his desk. I didn't look at him (which is normal) and I missed staring out the window. It was hard to be closer to him but I didn't move. I have no idea what to even think of this.

At the end as I was walking out my t said, "I think your experiment went well." I said, "you don't even know what the experiment was." And he replied, "well I might have an idea."

How could he possibly think he knows what it was about when I am not even sure?

Looking back, I don't know what it did for me. I won't do it again, but I don't regret it either. Crazy.........

gutsy, loved it, keep em' on their toes i say. .did he say anything when you put the coke can on his desk? just curious?

Way to go Kacey! I think it was an excellent experiment! Why won't you do it again? It sounds like it helped with your closeness to T. I bet that is what he is thinking the experiment is about as well. You were experimenting with moving in closer to T. If I were a T, I would be glad about this and think of it as progress.

I am glad you are getting through the hard times and showing up to T despite how hard it is to do that.