[mightaswelllive]

Therapy was painful and weird today. I spent most of my session playing with the seashells on the table beside her couch. About 40 or 50 seashells sit in a little clump on the table. They are all very small, but a few are a dome-like and maybe an inch in diameter. I placed the prettiest of the big ones on top of the tiniest seashell and continued to move the big clump around a bit. After a while I moved the prettiest shell, with the tiniest shell beneath it, off to the side. I pushed the rest of the seashells away in little groups or on their own. Next, I removed the prettiest of the big ones from atop the tiniest seashell I left them alone and moved the other shells around for a while. When I decided to move only the prettiest shell back to the clump, I moved the rest of the seashells back slowly. I began moving the prettiest shell from the clump back to the littlest shell and then back to the clump and then back to the littlest and back to the clump over and over and over until tears were streaming down my face. Then I stunned myself by flicking the tiniest shell across the room. I went to pick it up and apologized for being so aggressive. In hindsight, I think I intended to flick the prettiest shell across the room.

In case this is unclear, T is going on her maternity leave in about a month and we have been going in and out of silent ruptures every couple of weeks since she told me. This one was triggered by having a trial session with my interim T yesterday. It just made everything very real. It is really not so much of a rupture, but more of a deep, silencing sadness. The shells were the only way I could communicate what was happening in my mind. T definitely understood what was happening as she watched me, but I am not sure she was able to understand my deep pain without my words. I am still unsure of how to speak about it.

Throughout this whole process I have had so many emotions and reactions and I have learned a lot and I have really bonded with my T. I really needed this because my T is a total stonewall - very rigid in her psychodynamic orientation and boundaries. I really respect her boundaries but I have a hard time with the unbreakable psychodynamic orientation. I fully understand the reason for the blank slate therapist, but it makes it difficult for me to feel safe and heard. Finding out T was pregnant helped to humanize her which allowed me to trust her not just as a therapist but as a safe human to be around. Observing her change, both physically and mentally, has been a unique and bonding experience for me. I have not only grown into a secure attachment to her, but also to babyT. It completely changed my therapy and I have made exponential progress since.

So after this entire pregnancy that she that she has put me, and her other clients through (I feel this fantasy solidarity with them and I think that is the reason I didn't individualize myself in the seashells), I feel most upset about the lack of pay off the the looming uncertainty. After all this is done, T's pregnancy will have managed to disrupt 10 months of my life. After being a complete blank slate for 9 months of therapy, she imposed (however unintentionally) her very personal life on my personal life and (however unintentionally) it created a very secure bond and now it is being abruptly taken away. How very selfish. It really hurts. She gets to take 4 months off from her clients to bond with babyT and when we all come back in June we get another heaping load of transference and a deflated seashell of a therapist.

As upsetting, angering, confusing (etc) as the whole situation has been, I am very excited for T to have her baby. I am genuinely happy for her and I think she will be a great mommy but I worry about who my T will be when she returns. Without the tiniest seashell, will she still be the prettiest of the seashells? Or will she return as a rock?

[Kacey2]

MAWL- Hi I just read your post and it is so beautifully written (dripping with emotion). I really don't have anything insightful to say about the whole pregnancy thing except for that it was a privilege for me to witness that interaction between you and your t. Is writing something that is healing for you?

[rainbow8]

I could just about picture your session, and it hurt me too. You're in a difficult position, and you write about it eloquently. I'm sure T DID understand your pain. Maternity leave is a long absence and she must know how it is going to affect you even without words. I think what you did with the seashells spoke volumes....

After being a complete blank slate for 9 months of therapy, she imposed (however unintentionally) her very personal life on my personal life and (however unintentionally) it created a very secure bond and now it is being abruptly taken away. How very selfish. It really hurts. She gets to take 4 months off from her clients to bond with babyT and when we all come back in June we get another heaping load of transference and a deflated seashell of a therapist.

If you have a secure bond with your T then it won't be taken away by her absence and by her new baby. If she is serious about her work, she won't be a deflated seashell but she will be the same or even better than before! Will you be able to find out when she has the baby or does being a blank slate mean that you won't know anything? I don't understand the "blank slate" theory but if she's a good T, that's all that matters. Does T know how her pregnancy has changed your attitude towards her? Can you share your fears as you posted to us, with her before she leaves?

I am sorry you're in such pain, MAWL. I hope you continue to post here and that it will help somewhat.

[WePow]

Might, that is a POWERFUL session~!! WOW!
Maybe you were mad at the tiny shell (yourself?) for being "under" the influence of your T and needing T so much right now? So by flicking it (yourself) across the room, you were symbolically trying to "force" your emotions to disconnect as far from your T as you could?

[mightaswelllive]

Deflated seashell implied that she will no longer be pregnant. And I am not the tiniest seashell. Doesn't matter though. I talked to her last night and told her most of these things. After I emailed her telling her I quit. I'm done with all this crap. I've had enough.

It is amazing how observant you are of the environment around you and of your own thought patterns. That is a wonderful gift that I have to learn still. The activity with the shells even affected me as I read it. You seem to be able to express yourself very uniquely. I hope the pain you feel will also find some peace and solutions as the transition unfolds. We are here for you anytime MAWL.

[gelfling]

tiniest seashell under pretty seashell was baby in t --- ??? right? baby brought t to a more human understanding of you and baby is taking t away from you as well ---

i understand your pain....but if you have made such progress, isnt it worth it to see how things go when she comes back?

this being said, i understand that need to be done with the pain --- hope you will let us know how things go

(((hugs)))

[WePow]

(((((Might))))) I am so sorry you are in so much pain.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry, mightaswelllive.

[mightaswelllive]

T called me tonight and we talked. We had a big conversation. I did not mention this in my thread but at the end of my session I had a hyperventilating panic attack and I was still in tears when we ended. As I played with the shells, my subconscious narrated, so it was mostly clear to me what I was playing out with the shells. I think I panicked because, like always, T did not ask questions - "Why? What does that mean? Who is that shell? Why is that shell doing tha? etc." So I was only able to assume she understood what was happening. Last night when we talked I tried to explain to her everything that happened with the shells but I was met with the same sort of emotionaless observant distance - the blank slate. That interaction triggered me to email her and tell her I quit. I did not want to go back to that place with her and I have had enough of starting over and over and over with T after T after T. I really have made a lot of progress with her, but I feel like I have done all the work by myself. I always feel empty when I leave her. I do not need her to love me or hold me or mother me - I just need her to work with me instead of watch me. How can she possibly know if she is interpreting my behavior correctly if she is not asking for clarification or more information?

Tonight our conversation was different than usual. I was challenging, I was pushy, I was not accepting of anything she said. I think somewhere in me I was trying to model to her what I wanted but I was too angry and it came off aggressive. I even interrupted her several times. I really wanted answers and I really needed her to get where I was. I have really been struggling with lack of feeling challenged and her role in therapy. She rarely answers my questions and it drives me crazy. I was angry and persistent enough on the phone to make her answer them. I wanted to know what role she saw herself in. I wanted to know why she works the way she does. I wanted to see if how she works aligns with how she thinks she works. I needed to determine if the way she works would even allow for her to meet my needs. I think, once we got past the interruptions and anger and I let her explain - I was able to hear that she was in fact meeting some of my needs - some very important needs in fact. It was good for me to have some concrete reasons why I have stayed with her all this time despite lack of feeling challenged. It was also really helpful in better explaining how she is falling short for me. I think she was actually surprised at how valuable letting go and answering my questions really was.

We talked a lot about my therapy needs and if she is capable of meeting them. I continued to be a pain in the arse. I did not want to hear anything except "I can give you what you need from therapy" Honestly, eventually we got there, but I had to really think about how to explain what I needed from her. This "I'm not getting what I need" feeling has come up several times in our work together and I realized that I have been really vague in explaining and asking for what I need. "I need to be pushed, I need to be challenged." That is all I could tell her. She really thought she had been doing that when we talked about it. I figured out that I had to explain how to challenge me, why I need to be challenged, and what challenging me means. I suggested asking questions like "Why do you say that/do that/think that/feel that? Why is that important? Where did that come from? Does that still work for you?" Very simple. I would make progress. I would feel heard. I would find deeper meaning in my struggles. I wouldn't feel like I was doing therapy alone. At least in theory.. Anyway, it does not surprise me at all that the questions I need her to ask to meet my needs, are the questions she needed me to answer to understand why my needs aren't getting met. It is kind of evidence for the case of my unmet needs. Hate to say it, but I totally played therapist tonight (by hate, I mean love, really, really love).

The baby stuff has been quite a challenge these past few months. It's brought up a lot of stuff. I think the most challenging part of it though has been that we have not explored what it all means beyond the context of therapy. Other than giving the feelings a name, everything has stayed at the therapist/baby/leave/obvious level and it has been making me feel like a lunatic for obsessing. I know in my mind these obsessions are not about T going on leave or having a baby. I think if T starts asking why, starts digging deeper I will feel a lot better about the baby stuff. Despite my anger with her blank-slate-ness, I really believe that the therapeutic relationship and transference are very valuable - but if they are not being explored beyond the context of therapy other than just naming it abandonment/rejection/whatever the core-concept issue is, then it is only valuable to therapy. Ultimately, that's not good therapy. I think I explained my feelings about my therapy to T pretty well and I feel hopeful that she is capable of making good on it. I am going to my session on Friday - I guess I will see what happens?

[mightaswelllive]

Originally Posted by gelfling

tiniest seashell under pretty seashell was baby in t --- ??? right? baby brought t to a more human understanding of you and baby is taking t away from you as well ---

and yes gelfing, you are correct that the tiniest seashell was T's baby.