[Abby]

Last week was really difficult. In therapy I got very anxious and I left very out of control. The stress and anxiety level did not reduce for a significant period of time. Over the weekend I became really angry at my therapist for triggering such a horrific stressful time for me and then leaving me to deal with it all on my own.

But I think I could have dealt with that it that was the only problem. But the worst part came when I went into the therapy room today and she didn't say anything to indicate that she understood things had been hard for me, as like always the only thing she said was 'where do you want to start?'. That was incrediably painful because i felt as though she didn't seem bothered and/or acknowledge how hard I've been struggling to cope this weekend. It provoked me into a bit of a temper tantrum which I admit wasn't very adult-like but I get so sick of feeling so much pain and letting her walk all over me with her misunderstandings. She eventually did say sorry for unintentionally hurting me last week but I tried to tell her, i didn't need an apology as such, just some inkling of understanding. She said she had sat in silence after my semi-rant (which is an irritating reaction when you finish and provoked yet another rant...vicious cycle etc) because she didn't have the words....I understand that because sometimes I don't have words either but I need her to have words, i feel she should be able to help me find them not be in the same position herself! Plus she didn't seem to understand that sitting there in the silence pretty much screamed at me that she wasn't or couldn't hear me.

I don't know how to feel. I understand, on some level, that feeling pain like this is a step in the right direction but I'm so tired of continuing with it all. My life isn't moving forward, if anything I feel very stuck and....it hurts a lot to think about that. I know there is only so much she can do for me, I know that this is part and parcel of the process, and I know that being able to talk to someone is a good start.......but I feel so dreadfully alone and although I try and tell her this, and I feel on some level she does hear me (at times), I don't think she is able to fully understand how hard this is.

I feel really lost and alone. Tbh there are many, many times when I do not want to go to therapy because I end up feeling more stressed out that I did when I went in. E.g. like last week, I was already very anxious but when I left I felt anxious, angry, alone, lost, desperate, afraid. How is that progress?

I don't know....sometimes I feel as though I'm talking and she doesn't quite hear me. For a long time I felt I was saying the wrong words, or when I said the right words they didn't match up to how I looked or I didn't say them quite right or something.....but now I don't know what to think...perhaps I'm wanting more than can ever be given in reality....

I'm tired of struggling, of being left to cope on my own again and again....and now soon we have the pleasures of Christmas to remind me of everything I really really would rather forget about and my therapist will be gone and I will be alone. Maybe that is for the best, maybe the pain I feel when I'm not heard will reduce when I stopped trying.

[jazzy123456]

wow. i can relate so much to this --intensity of feelings once you leave therapy and the feeeling of your therapist abandoning you to cope with things on your own, and your frustration in feeling like you are misunderstood, and she really doesn't quite "get" or "recognize" what you struggle with when you leave. and its especially annoying because a lot of times you feel worse then when you walked in the office and then you don't understand why you feel worse but, still convince yourself to go another time, and then when you go another time, and another time, you increasingly feel alone and like no one can really understand what your going through and you also just get TIRED of the same old feelings and frustrations every week. and it stinks to know your therapist is living all okay and your the one who has to take it home, in fact, you understand that this is just life and thats a part of therapy but, that doesn't neccessarily make the frustration you feel go away. I threw a tantrum once, one she didn't quite understand but,i felt i had a right to it, cuz sometimes you feel like your therapist is the one who put you through the pain in the first place and then, left with you to deal with it all on your own. even though we are adults, we sometimes revert to these tantrums a bit. these feelings are hard but, I hope I showed you through this post that a lot of what you are going through is normal when it comes to therapy but, its not hopeless... i feel a little better, No, life is not perfect...things still bother me...but, there is light at the end of the tunnel and I hope you can find hope in your healing. we all need it. it may not be perfect but, we can hope that we will push through the hard parts to get to the fufilling ones. lots of hugs and supports. you wouldn't believe how much I understand this post!

[darkrunner]

Abby,

I'm sorry things are so painful for you.

It sounds like you are working really hard in therapy and it is only natural that a lot of what is coming up in session is spilling out t othe rest of your week. It's really frustrating to have to deal with all of it without T's help but I think that is all a part of the process.

I really relate to wanting to skip therapy. I feel that way every week, yet I keep going every week. It is just painful and it sucks.
The only way out is through. If you get scared and run away, you will really only be prolonging your suffering.

So I want to encourage you to keep going, keep expressing yourself to T, even if it means having the 'tantrums' and expressing your frustration and anger at the process. That is part of the process.

And really try to take good care of yourself. Do whatever you can to use distractions and self-soothing when it gets to be too much to handle.
You will get through this.

[sugahorse1]

I'm sorry therapy is so difficult for you at the moment.
I think you are doing the right thing by letting T know how you feel; this gives her the opportunity to get to know you better too, and also what your triggers are. I'm sure she's not triggering you intentionally.
Maybe wrap up the session 5 minutes earlier, and use those 5 minutes to reflect on your session with your T and mention what's bothering you. This will give you time to digest things with T, and hopefully you will be a bit more prepared to leave the session and feel ok. T hurts; it's hard work. Thinking and feeling about a session after it has taken place, is part of the healing process. This is what we call the hard-work part of therapy.

You are doing well and being so strong to keep going back for more. Please realise that your are growing and healing through this process, and I really do understand it is painful

(((ABBY)))

[attached]

Abby,

I've lurked on this site for over 2 years and when I read your post today I had to reply. I have no good advice but I want to thank you for sharing your experience. That is exactly how I feel about my T and therapy. I feel like it has just exposed how bad my childhood was, how miserable I am today, and got me in touch with the immense sadness and hurt I feel but it hasn't helped me deal with it. I see my T twice a week and I still feel misunderstood or leave feeling triggered and I sometimes give in and send angry emails or calls about things. We work through some of those upsets but it just keeps happening and I find each rupture more difficult to deal with. Actually my entire life is more difficult to deal with. In many, many ways I wish I'd never started therapy. I hope things get better for you.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Abby))))

Thank you for posting and I validate how you feel. I just left my t's office and I feel so much hurt and loss right now. But my t helped me today to understand that my feelings of him not understanding or feeling anyone can or that they really care many times comes from myself.

I so many times cannot put into words how I feel or what it is that is really getting to me. I know it hurts and I feel so alone and thoughts are constant for me. I can sit and write and write for hours and even in that I tell myself I do not understand why I feel this way or where all these feelings are coming from.

If I cannot really understand or know why I have all these feelings and where they all are and even though I try so hard to explain yet it seems the words that I feel do not come out when I try to talk about it. Fear steps in and blocks out so much for me.

But he tries to understand and it is hard for him to get it when I do not get it. I know that maybe I am not saying this the way I am trying to get it out and I am in no way blaming you or myself it is just that so many times there were and are no words that can explain what this is for us and what it does to us.

It is true I do not understand all my own feelings or why they are there I just know they are. The constant feelings of ending it yet not knowing why I feel this way or where they are coming from so I do not know how to tell him except that the feelings are there.

They are real and they are important and I try to tell him yet in my own mind I am not sure of the why's or how's. Being so afraid of getting too close to anyone for fear of abandonment, hurt, expectations, and the many other things that are there.

He asked me to bring in my writing and to talk about it and maybe it would help him understand and maybe even myself. I know that I write and write but I cannot go back and read what is there. Maybe it is fear of the unknown or the ability to connect there and what it means but it is where I think a lot of feelings and understanding may lie.

I know it is hard and many times I leave therapy hurting so bad and needing someone to understand but yet I pull away afraid of rejection or no one understanding. I have to carry it through the week and my feelings are so deep that it scares me.

Walking through the memories and pain is part of healing. The only way out is through and it is so hard. I really hear you and understand. Do you journal at all and can you share that with your t? Maybe that would help her to understand more of what you are feeling.

Sometimes sitting in front of someone stops thoughts for me out of fear or doubt that they will understand or just the idea of is this right or am I out there for feeling this way? Or maybe the fact of what it is that I have to tell and face and the fear envelopes me all over again.

The fact of being told it never happened or it was my fault, or I asked for it----makes me hold back thinking that he or those I trust will feel the same way and it is too hard and painful to go there.

As a child I could never have feelings and no emotions. If I did it would cost me, so I learned to push them away and bury them. I did not know I had feelings and emotions until over the past few months. So it is hard to even connect at times for myself. If I cannot connect how can I express them to anyone so that they understand.

I do hope you will continue to go to therapy. As hard as it is you are doing the right thing and the hard stuff. If you do not go then you are left to still carrying it because it will still be there. I know it is a hard thing and a long road we walk, but you are not alone. I do appreciate what you said and I can connect there with you.

I am really sorry you are feeling so alone and hurting, I do get it and I am listening. I validate how you are feeling and I know how real it is. Please know that I care and am here for you. Take care of you, you are important and how you feel is important. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[betasheep]

Have you thought about finding a different therapist? It sounds like she has control issues, not you.

[suzzie]

((((abby))))

[Sannah]

Abby, when she said "where do you want to start" could you have said "I want to talk about how hard of a week I've had after the last session"? Do you think that you want her to mind read a bit possibly? One thing that I have come to realize is how much talking a person has to do to be sure that they are understood. Another person's experience is much too complicated to be understood easily. It does take a lot of communication.