[peaches100]

I think I'm starting to lose the connection i feel with my t. I hate it, and there is no excuse for it since i've been seeing her so long. I should be able to hang onto that connected feeling for alot longer than i can. So i feel frustrated with myself.

It started Dec. 1 when my t left town unexpectedly without letting me know what happened. The receptionist at her office called and told me she had an emergency, but not what it was. So i didn't see her for 2 weeks during that time (I missed 1 session, but it was a 2-week span). While she was gone, i was able to maintain that connected feeling with her, which i felt proud of. However, when she got back and i went to my next session, i found that i was reluctant to talk about my issues, knowing that she was going through hard stuff herself. She encouraged me to go ahead and address my issues, but I felt like a part of me was split off and unavailable. So we did not get to do too much.

Now, a week has gone by, and i have a session this afternoon. I'm finding that I feel upset because my t is going to be gone again next week, and i will be missing my session again. In addition to that, my parents are coming into town, and it is always a stressful time for me.

I am feeling two things right now. First, I feel like my connection with my t is getting shaken up because of the the interruptions to our normal routine. I know they were/are necessary, and i did well in being able to hold onto our connection while my t was away earlier this month. But I'm starting to feel anxious about her being gone again next week and missing another session. I'm worried about being able to maintain the sense of continuity and then being able to pick right back up with our work. I will say that i am not good with change, it makes me anxious. And maybe things just feel too up in the air right now. But i know i need to get used to changes, and eventually i will need to start spacing sessions out anyway as we move toward termination. So i have to start getting used to it now.

The second thing i am feeling is the urge to numb myself out emotionally and just physically go through my routine for the next 2 weeks, to avoid any possibility of having to deal with painful emotions like missing my t, or being reminded of bad childhood experiences while my parents are here and I'm spending time with them.

Any advice?

[peaches100]

Oh, I forgot to mention that when my t left unexpectedly, it was because her mom died.

[Omers]

Hey Peaches, I remember your earlier posts. Yes, Ts have emergencies and celibrate holidays and we miss them, there is nothing wrong with that. You did a great job sticking out an unexpected missed session or two. Yes, eventually we do have to start moving away from our Ts and "out on our own" the holidays really are not the time for that though... too stressful!
Is there any way T could make it a bit easier over the holidays? Could T call and say a quick "hi" when it worked into their plans? could they leave a message or send home some kind of note or transitional object just to get you through? My guess is that had their not been the emergency so recently the holiday break wouldn't be so hard?

[WePow]

I hope session goes well for you. Just be honest about how you feel with the disconnect - and why. Is there a part of you that is trying to stay safe and putting up the emotional wall?

[Melbadaze]

I think what matters the most now is your able to alk to T about these feelings...not that you are having them so much as thats pretty natural to feel the gap once the safety of T's physical presence is there...I use to hink talking wasn't going to do anything until I realised I've never actually had a 2 way discussion with someone about such feelings having to sustain myself with one way head conversations...what happens between you and T when you tranform these feelings into words wil be a soid foundation for future feelings and surviving them...

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Omers

Hey Peaches, I remember your earlier posts. Yes, Ts have emergencies and celibrate holidays and we miss them, there is nothing wrong with that. You did a great job sticking out an unexpected missed session or two. Yes, eventually we do have to start moving away from our Ts and "out on our own" the holidays really are not the time for that though... too stressful!
Is there any way T could make it a bit easier over the holidays? Could T call and say a quick "hi" when it worked into their plans? could they leave a message or send home some kind of note or transitional object just to get you through? My guess is that had their not been the emergency so recently the holiday break wouldn't be so hard?

Hi Omers,

My t did say that if i needed to, we could check in by phone. I find that i'm reluctant to do that though. She needs her time off. She has wanted me to practice bringing her up in my mind, and getting comfort by imagining her there, so i guess that is what i'll do.

I had the idea of bringing my h today on my session, and even told my t i was going to. I told her since she was going away, i didn't want to get into anything heavy and wanted to just shut everything down until after she gets back next week. So i thought i'd bring my h and just talk about couple stuff. But i know in my heart i'd be mostly using him as a diversion to avoid talking about my own feelings right now. My fear is that if i bring my h and let them talk about stuff (which is what usually happens, and i feel left out), then it will be another 2 weeks before i see my t, and then i am going to feel even more disconnected from her than i do now.

It has always been hard for me to keep myself open and vulnerable enough in therapy -- and trusting -- to do the deep work. And any kind of wrench thrown into it, whether it's a missed session or a misunderstanding, kind of sets me back. It's hard to explain. It's like walls start going up. If i am not constantly working on keeping those walls down, they automatically start to rebuild themselves. I don't want it to be that way, but i can't seem to help it.

My t is good, and we've worked together for several years now. But I've been hurt so badly in the past that I am abnormally guarded. Whenever i start to feel too much anxiety or i get an abandonment trigger or perceived rejection or just get too in touch with my feelings so that i feel overwhelmed, then part of me shuts down inside and i lose that sense of connection, not onlly with my t, but also with myself. So that i start not knowing what i feel, or i don't feel anything. I am not sure how to keep that from happening, because like i said, whenever it does, it seems to get in the way of the good therapy work we've been doing.

I feel like i am not being clear or explaining things well. I think that i am triggered over something, and it makes it hard for me to think clearly. I know my parents are coming to visit in a couple of days. I didn't think i was stressing that much about it. But maybe my t's leaving twice this month is triggering memories of all the times my parents left us alone at night and went out, and didn't come back when they said they would. Or my mom's business trips, or the times she'd put me to bed in strange bedrooms at parties, and i'd wake up and be lost and not know where she was. All those things mostly took place from age 2 to 8. It's that whole scary feeling of not knowing what to expect, feeling like there's no foundation there under you. Almost a dizzy, kind of unreal feeling. And i'm sure very little of it has anything to do with adult me and adult t. But it's what t is doing that is reminding me of traumatic incidents in my past. And it makes me have trouble staying present.

[WePow]

Peaches, your reply above is full of self-insights... and very good ones.
If you don't go into session today with an open heart, while you have YOUR time with YOUR T, how will you feel when you walk out the door?

It is hard to not shut down emotionally when you know that you will miss your T... but allow yourself the freedom to enjoy and relish what you have today. BIG HUGS!