[zooropa]

I'm still here. Still haven't moved, hopefully tomorrow. I do have all the kids here now, so it's hectic and we're just piled on top of each other. It's okay. It feels good to have them all under my roof.

I did a lot of stuff today, Mom stuff. Got them registered for school and turned in their books at their old schools, stuff like that.

The thing is, I start school tomorrow too. When am I going to get to do my ME stuff? I just feel overwhelmed and exhausted and don't know how I can keep going like this. I mean, I spent the whole weekend doing nothing but knitting in bed. Didn't even get dressed. But then today I had to do things, and I did them, and now it's 7pm and I'm just totally spent.

I don't know. I'm tired. I'm sad. I miss T. I feel like I'm getting set to fail in a big, big way.

[googley]

(((((((Zoo))))))))

It totally sounds like you have moved. It sounds like you got a lot of stuff done. Good work.

[chicken_wing]

It does sound like you had a very productive day! Tomorrow, you could choose to do more things for you.

Zoo, we can miss our Ts together. I don't think I have EVER missed someone like this, and I spent more than a year living on another continent from my newly wedded husband.

[bpd mess]

hang in there zoo. it should get better when you get into a bigger place and get into a routine with school and everything. routines always make things more managable at our house.

[zooropa]

oh, googley, I meant the actual house-moving. I did move today, I just didn't move into my new apt the way I wanted to.

I know it will get better. I mean, I think it will. I'm just trying to get through now. I know this week will be hard. It can be as hard as it gets, as long as I get to the other side okay.

I called my T tonight, after I told the kids I was making a phone call and to leave me alone for a minute. I went in my room, turned on some music for background noise, and called T. I didn't even get done leaving a message before my son burst through the door. I mean, I don't really talk on the phone very much. I don't LIKE talking on the phone, at all. I just think I should be able to leave a voicemail without interruption. Maybe I'm wrong.

[mixedup_emotions]

I hear ya, zoo, about being concerned about your ME time. It's something you will need to carve out and demand. You do deserve to be able to make a phone call without disruption. That will come with time and practice - setting and reinforcing boundaries with the kids.

I know it's easier said than done, but it will get much easier if you set the expectation now while you have this new, fresh start with them.

One step at a time, zoo....((( HUGS )))

[bpd mess]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I called my T tonight, after I told the kids I was making a phone call and to leave me alone for a minute. I went in my room, turned on some music for background noise, and called T. I didn't even get done leaving a message before my son burst through the door. I mean, I don't really talk on the phone very much. I don't LIKE talking on the phone, at all. I just think I should be able to leave a voicemail without interruption. Maybe I'm wrong.

you should definitely be able to make a phone call without being interrupted. if my door is closed, my kids are allowed to knock once and then wait for an answer before entering. (although, sometimes they continue knocking until i answer - we're still working on that one) i've even taped a note to my door telling them what time they can interupt me if i'm needing a longer break. it can be done. you'll need that time alone.

[googley]

((((((((Zoo))))))))

My bad. Sorry.

You totally deserve to be able to make a phone call without your son coming in. It is about setting boundaries and being consistent. When he bursts in excuse yourself from your conversation and remind him what you said. Then tell him to leave and you will get back to him when you are done. Over time he/they will remember to give you time when you ask for it. Sadly it doesn't come overnight. Just like the DBT skills you learned didn't come over night, their learning the rules in the house wont happen over night.

((((((((((((((zoo))))))))))))))))

You are not going to fail. You are going to try, and make mistakes, and forgive yourself for making mistakes, and learn, and try again, and slowly, slowly find the balance that works for ALL of you. Not just for your kids, but ALL of you.

It takes time. It takes patience. I know it feels so completely overwhelming. When I started therapy, my oldest was 10, my middle kid was 7, and my youngest was 5. My 7 year old has autism, and was THE MOST DIFFICULT CHILD. I mean, so so so so so hard, always in danger, requiring the most ridiculous amount of supervision. And all of this stuff was coming up from my past and it was just monumentally hard.

You know what I did? I cut myself some slack. The house didn't have to be perfect. Frozen pizza could be a meal. We all played (A TON OF) guitar hero, or I sat with them and colored mandalas....I kind of just brought them into the place I was at (a guitar hero, mandala coloring place). Slowly, slowly, we've found our footing, and things are better right now then they have ever been, by far. Still hard, but SOOOOO much better. It will be that way for you too.

Be gentle with you. Don't expect perfection from you or from them. Let yourself make mistakes and keep moving forward. You are a good person, and a strong person, and a person who knows how to ask for help, and you can do this.

[WePow]

((((Zoo)))) keep fighting for what you need. And you have the right to make a phone call in private.

[zooropa]

T called me this morning from the Vegas strip, literally. Someone came up and asked her for a cigarette while we were talking, lol!. It was good to talk to her, even just for 5 minutes. She said to keep breathing. To just do one thing at a time. To not get overwhelmed thinking about all the things I have going on, but to be mindful in those moments and bring myself back to just the next step.

We also talked briefly about what accommodations I should seek from the disability services office at my school, relating to my anxiety disorder and PTSD. I'm going to meet the guy who coordinates that stuff today.

At the end, T said again to keep breathing, and do one thing at a time. Then she said "call me if you need to......or want to!" I laughed, and thanked her for adding that last part. It was a really, really good quick connection with T. Hopefully that will get me through the day ahead.

I see T on Monday, so it's less than a week now. I'm telling myself it will go by fast, because I have so much going on.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by zooropa

T called me this morning from the Vegas strip, literally. Someone came up and asked her for a cigarette while we were talking, lol!.

LOL! remember the U2 video they did on the Strip (I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For)?

nice to hear your T called.

[Melbadaze]

perhaps your kids have their own issues and resons for barging in? As you say you've only just got hem back, perhaps right now their need to be close to you is overpowering for them..they have no room right now to allow you space....remember hey are still the children and seperation from a mother does a lot of damage..perhaps reasure them that your going to make a private phone call and will be back shortly and then suggest sitting down and talking together or something that doesn't remind them of abandoment which is how children view seperations? Ypu ca't really expect hem to fall into your routine immediately it will take lots of time and patience..

Glad you're hanging in there and doing what you need to do.

I don't know if this would work for older kids....mine are just 3 and 1. But when I'm in a dark place, it almost feels like their needs are amplified and I feel smothered. I've found that it helps if I say to them "I'm here for you for the next XX minutes...." 20, 30, or just 5 if that's all you can offer right now. And I make every effort to be totally engaged with them and focused on them for that short period of time. We play a game or read or go for a walk or cook something together. And then I either go back to being alone (mentally more than physically, since toddlers can't be left alone). Or sometimes I get caught up in what they're doing much longer and feel better as a result.

I don't think you will fail.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by with or without you

LOL! remember the U2 video they did on the Strip (I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For)?

nice to hear your T called.

YES! I totally thought of that when she told me where she was, too. I love that video so much.