[chicken_wing]

As some of you may know, my T is on vacation, and I won't see her until Monday. In the meantime I have seen my pdoc twice this week, though both times have been unhelpful. I thought at first that if she were here, I'd feel better, or that I'd feel better once she returned. I don't think that's the case.

I feel so hopeless. I cannot get over things that happened 10-20 years ago. I am tormented in my sleep and I have daily flashbacks. I have debilitating panic attacks. I ruined my marriage and have run away most of my friends. I am so alone. My T thinks i have the capacity to change, despite her believing I am BPD. But how do I change when I am tormented, when I always feel so sad, scared, or angry? Medication does little for me. I see my T three times a week now and I have been with her for 1.5 years. I have tried T a few times before her. I just think it's all pointless.

And now I am back to wanting to die. I don't have plans to kill myself, and I don't think I want to. But I do not know how to overcome my despair and not constantly desire my death. I know this is why I do stupid self-destructive things all the time.

So now I wonder should I just enter into some sort of treatment program? I feel unable to get of my bed most days. It's a constant struggle. I just cry and hope that the gods have mercy on me and strike me dead. I am just going through the motions to pass my classes and I fear that if I do not get help now I will ruin a promising career I have set for the upcoming future.

As an aside, my beloved T emailed me this morning to say she's safe and having fun and sorry that I am struggling again. I am glad she was so kind to send me a few words.

[Dark_Dreams]

I am so glad she sent you an email with kind words. What did you feel when you opened that email?

I can understand the extreme hoplessness you are expressing. Sometimes just getting out of bed is all you can manage. Can I tell you something that I use sometimes when I am in that state? I use post it notes and attempt to some up with at least one thing that makes me feel good. May not be anything special to anyone but me but it is at least something. I then stick the post it note somewhere I am going to see it. most recently I had notes up that said "The rain smells good" or "Buttered toast". The sound of the fan was nice, diet pepsi is a god send, the cat purring is sweet. May not seem like much but even one small glimmer of something can be helpful. Hen when I get into a state where nothing matters, I cn see this notes stuck up somewhere and they remind me that while my life completely sucks that somehow, somewhere, something good does exist.

Can you thinnk of anything that you like, that makes you feel good, that makes you feel even a glimmer of joy? Even if it seems ridiculous to everyone but you, can you think of something?

I'm sorry you are feeling so horrible right now. Monday may seem a long way away but it is less than a week now. Hang in there and keep talking

[chicken_wing]

thanks darkdreams. that's one of my problems. i don't know what brings me joy. i do have a cat and when she decides she wants attention, i relish in her affection.

i just don't think my T returning will make anything better.

[Dark_Dreams]

Cats don't have owners, they have people.

How did you feel when you got an email from your T?

If you can't think of something that brings you joy, can you think of anything that helps you relax, maybe brings a little smile on your face, or something that at least doesn't upset you?

[chicken_wing]

I felt special that T cared to let me know she was okay, especially since I was feeling such anxiety about her choice of destinations. She makes me smile. But she isn't enough.

[Dark_Dreams]

I'm glad she sent you the email and that is helped reduce some of the anxiety of her being away and anxiety about her safety.

feeling special is a great thing. Not every can feel that even when they really are.

You say she isn't enough? What would be enough?

You aslo asked about hospitalization. What do you think you would get there that would be enough that you are not getting or able to get right now?

Is there anything that you would need right now that might be enough for today?

[chicken_wing]

I see a hospital as a safe place where I wouldn't be alone.

I don't know what would be enough. I'm never satisfied.

I don't know what I need to today.I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel pain anymore.

[Dark_Dreams]

Being alone is a hard thing with which I am all too familar.

What can you do to help you feel less lonely? Is there anyone you can just call and chat with, not necessarily about anything in particular?

There is no magic bullet for getting rid fo the pain. It is one of those long battles that sometimes seems to get worse before it gets better

[chicken_wing]

I spoke to a friend briefly earlier. I could call another friend. I don't have many. The nights are the worst.

I wonder if I will ever heal.

[Dark_Dreams]

I am really glad you talked to a friend earlier. Perhaps maybe talking to another one so you can at least have some connection to remind yourself that even if you feel alone you are not totally alone.

I personally believe that yes it can heal and it can get better. Not easy to get there and requires some very uncomfortable action but it can be done

[chicken_wing]

I want to go to a hospital for help but I am also afraid to go. I don't know what will happen there.

[Dark_Dreams]

Not knowing what to expect can be nerve wracking.

What would you like to see happen if you went to the hospital?

What are you afraid might happen?

[chicken_wing]

I want them to help me cope. Tell me what to do. Tell me how to get out of the bed and get done what I need to get done.

I'm afraid they'll overdrug me and won't let me out. Erm, I am also scared of the crazy people.

[Dark_Dreams]

It sounds like you want them to support you and help guide you in a direction but you do not want them to control you.

What tools has your T given you to help you cope? have you learned other methods of coping from other sources?

Do you work or go to school?

[chicken_wing]

I go to school.

My T has tried to suggest things to me to prevent me from SI but otherwise I cannot think of coping tools she's given me.

I personally would not seek hospitalization unless I felt my life depended on it, and I definitely wouldn't enter a hospital without T's involvement, which you don't have this week.

A hospital would keep you safe, but I don't think it will help with the alone feelings. For me, being surrounded by unfamiliar things and people would make me feel more alone. I'd long for my T who knows me.

Again, I'm just saying what I would do.

I would find a way to hang on for 5 more days and then talk with your T about the hopelessness. Maybe she can recommend an intensive-type program or maybe she will recommend a hospital....but she would be supporting you in the decision. You wouldn't be alone with it.

In the meantime, what can you do to be more connected to people right now? Can you go read at a coffee shop? Go to a movie? Or keep calling friends? Keep posting here?

[chicken_wing]

I didn't think about T's involvement. I don't know what she'd think about my deciding to go to a hospital without her input.

I can't do anything because I don't want to leave my bed. I also don't have clean clothes really. I only have one or two people I can talk to by phone.

[Dark_Dreams]

How many days a week do you go to school?
Perhaps, even on days you do not have school, you can set yourself a schedule of things and make yourself get up and do them just like you have to do for school.

Structure of some kind makes it easier for me when I am feeling like not doing anything. I find I have mo struggles when I am not at school or work. Without that structure, I feel lost and without meaning

[chicken_wing]

I have tried so HARD time and time again to put structure to my life, to schedule things, to make to do lists. Nothing gets done. I just end up hating myself more.

[Dark_Dreams]

What gets in the way of getting things done?

[chicken_wing]

i don't care enough. there's no point. i'm lazy. ill get hurt again. you name it.

[Dark_Dreams]

Not caring enough is a fight. making sure that you do somethign that you do care about might help make the other things that you don't care about have more meaning.

Everything has a point. Might not be apparent but all things have a point.

You are not lazy. Just because it is hard to get things done and sometimes it is to scary to get hurt, that doesn't mean you are lazy.

Getting hurt again is a great reason to not do things. I have used this more times than i can count and I am old so I have done it many many times. However, not doing something because you might get hurt also means that you are restricting your chances to feel happiness and joy. Clinging to the pain makes it impossible to feel joy.

You are feeling lonely and are hurting because you are afraid to get hurt.
If you took a risk and got hurt, would it feel worse than it does now?
What if you did try something, even amidst fear, and found that you didn't get hurt? What would you think if that happened?

[chicken_wing]

Yes i am tired of geting hurt. And I know I always will get hurt

[Dark_Dreams]

How do you know you will always get hurt?

Yes you have been hurt in the past. Yes you are dealing with a lot of pain right now. But, unless you have some crystal ball, you have no way of knowing that you will always get hurt.

Have there been times in your life when you were happy? When things seemed ok?

[chicken_wing]

well i dont want to risk it. at some point my heart is going to give out