[ballet_girl]

I'll be talking to her via phone for the last time before I leave the country. I just had such a TERRIBLE time last semester, I couldn't deal with it anymore and I had to take a break. But I don't really feel like I can take a break from things because being at home and away from T has made me realize some things that I didn't want to admit to myself before. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so guilty and I really want to get it off of my chest with T, but somehow I just feel like doing it in a 30 minute phone call, which will be the last phone call in 6 months is a bad idea and will just lead to more unresolved issues. On the other hand, I want to be able to make a fresh start, and I can't tell how much of this is really true and how much of it is just me trying to minimize what happened.

Something that I wrote in my journal, this is what I'm not sure about sharing with T...

Part of me wonders if that is part of what upsets me about ----: I hurt and I don't know why so I just blame what happened. Its easier to have someone to blame than to have to feel terrible for no reason. I'm angry at myself because I feel like it was a lie. Everything really did happen, but I feel like I blew it out of proportion so that I would have something to blame for how I felt, and after I did that then it genuinely started to bother me. It is a problem because I made it a problem. Everything I do is a lie. I think I"ve thought about every low point in my life tonight, because I've also been feeling guilty about the panic attacks. The first one was real. But then I had a few panic attacks after that when I was really drunk that weren't really real. I made myself hyperventilate. I just felt like **** and I NEEDED somebody to help, but every time I asked for help I ran into a dead end. And it worked because my RA did help me and I did get to go to therapy. But another big part of it was that I told her about what happened, otherwise she wouldn't have made the appointment for me. God, what kind of person am I? I know what kind of person I am. I am a horrible person because I just lied and used it for attention. I NEED T.

[granite1]

i dont think you are a liar at all.i often think this about myself.i have spent a long time thinking that i have always blown things out of porportion.reciently i have come to think of it a bit differntly.i used this therory to protect myself from really feeling the impact of what really went on .i mean i would always write about things and know what went on was horrific and all but in my mind feeling like it was no big deal and how can i ever say this stuff to other people.although knowing this doesnt help me at all i still feel like a big lie.so i dont think you are a liar at all.i may be wrong but i bet it is a way of protecting yourself from really feeling the pain you are going throuugh on an even deeper level.please be gentle with yourself

[Perna]

Originally Posted by ballet_girl

I NEEDED somebody to help, but every time I asked for help I ran into a dead end.

However you get the help you need, it's not a lie, it's just a call for help! If you don't have the words to explain to someone what you need, if you yourself don't understand what is going on inside you, you have to resort to action, use your symptoms; the panic attacks may have helped you get the help/attention you needed at the time; I would call suicide lines but I wasn't "really" suicidal. I did finally get good help and grow into a person who could identify and use that help. Have a little compassion for your wordless self! She's doing the best she can to help you!

[ladyjrnlist]

I think you were reaching out for help and you got it. You shouldn't beat yourself up about how it came about. You are now moving forward with your life. Focus on that.

[WePow]

Be honest about what you feel.

[ballet_girl]

Originally Posted by granite1

i dont think you are a liar at all.i often think this about myself.i have spent a long time thinking that i have always blown things out of porportion.reciently i have come to think of it a bit differntly.i used this therory to protect myself from really feeling the impact of what really went on .i mean i would always write about things and know what went on was horrific and all but in my mind feeling like it was no big deal and how can i ever say this stuff to other people.although knowing this doesnt help me at all i still feel like a big lie.so i dont think you are a liar at all.i may be wrong but i bet it is a way of protecting yourself from really feeling the pain you are going throuugh on an even deeper level.please be gentle with yourself

Thanks Granite. This is what my T says that I do, but you are right, it doesn't make me feel like any less of a liar. And how am I supposed to know if she is right? Maybe for most people this is true but maybe what happened to me really wasn't a big deal so I should just find a way to stop thinking about it. And when T tells me things like I was dissociating, it makes me feel like she is making excuses for me instead of actually hearing me.