[Elana05]

I have been counting down the days to seeing my T and I see her tomorrow. But I feel like I will (again) have too much to say, too much to talk about. My T is very wise and I value what she has to say, but it is like trying to hold onto tiny grains of wisdom amid acres of sand.
I find it so frustrating being in a relationship right now. I just don't have the tools and everything seems to trigger me lately.
I sat down to write in my journal and I thought back to how well I could function when I was on my own. I had an apartment, it was clean, tidy, cute. I worked. I could deal with money without being triggered. Two weeks salary went to rent and I paid every other bill on time. All I asked for was someone to share it with. That I got. It has been wonderful. But then I stopped functioning.
My parter is understanding. She has put up with the depression I have had ever since we met. We have even been going to couples therapy (her idea). But I just wonder if it will ever feel OK. Ever feel natural to me to be around another person. I wonder if I will ever feel safe?? How many times in couples T do I totally shut down? I am really working on it but it's so hard. I have only ever been able to feel truly safe alone. This is the closest I have come to feeling safe with someone else. But even this leaves me suffering from the severe anxiety of these d** triggers. Maybe I haven't given medication enough thought.
I can't sleep at night in the same bed with my partner because I can't "shut off" with anyone else in the room. So I go sleep in the room that has no heat. Which bites. And makes my partner sad. Plus it has been nearly impossible to talk to my partner about money - makes me want to withdraw completely and just say, "forget it." I want to run away. Far away. But I also love the person I am with. So many contradictions.
I want to be in a relationship. But I don't know if I can. I seriously need to let go of past trauma. But I want it to happen now. I want it to happen already. Though it is deep down within my subconscious, it is really affecting my conscious life.

((((((((((Elana)))))))))) sending safe hugs, sounds like you do have a lot to discuss with t tomorrow.
Hang in there and trust t to help you.
You are trying the best you can, some things just cannot be rushed...

[SpiritRunner]

I don't have so many wise words for you right now, but bunches of safe hugs.....I am so glad you have a wise T and an understanding partner with you in your journey now.

[sugahorse1]

Hugs to you. I hope you are able to talk about a fair bit of what you have posted above in your session.
Go easy on yourself, and tackle one issue at a time

[Symbiosis]

Hi Elana-I think you are really brave to be giving it a go, even though it is so hard. I have serious doubts that I will ever be able to be in love again. I can imagine how hard the change from being alone to living with someone would be. How long have you been in this relationship?

[Elana05]

Thanks, Symbiosis.
4 years.
I haven't really functioned very well during them (in terms of sleep, job, self-care, etc). The thing I have been doing is going to lots o therapy. And Al Anon occasionally.
I think, I hope, I am making progress. I mean, I know I am. It just feels SO slow.
I have a hard time keeping up my self esteem and "self-posession" when living in a relationship. Because (I think) a lot of my self esteem has been based upon how well I function independently in life. I don't exactly know the healthy way to cope, function, excel, while at the same time being in a relationship. I want the two to come together but so far when they do, I freeze up like a computer running conflicting programs.