[peaches100]

Hi everybody. I'm sorry i haven't been around much lately. I do think about all of you at PC even when i don't post. I've been reading your threads.

(WARNING: LONG POST. APOLOGIES, AND DON'T FEEL OBLIGATED TO READ!)

I'm just feeling very depressed and alone right now. I had my t session last week, and it felt like my t was very "point blank" and rather hard on me. I know she has my best interests at heart, and I'm not upset with her. But since then, I've felt really down.

In my sessions, we've spent alot of time talking about my relationship with my parents and how their actions (and mostly, inactions) have always made me feel like they don't really value or care about me. I've always had split feelings about it, not being sure if the problems were because of them not caring enough, or me being bad or wrong in some way. I've also had a part of me that has denied how I've been treated, not wanting to see the many instances where my folks have failed to help or protect me as a child, or to respect or value me as an adult. I've always wanted to say that all those instances were no big deal -- and taken as one or two instances, they do seem minor. But i've had a lifetime of minor things that have led to me feeling unloved by my parents and bad and unlovable as a person.

Therapy has helped me look inside more, and I understand now that many of my problems stem back to the way i was raised. And even though i'm an adult now and shouldn't need their approval, my parents' seeming lack of interest (or consideration) for me keep me feeling like I'm not worth anything. What's worse is that I've somehow "become" invisible and worthless in other areas of my life too, including socially and at work. In general, I am treated in my daily life as invisible.

My t has said that my parents way of raising me has led to my bad feelings of being worthless. But if that's true, then why do others also treat me as though i am not even there? They just don't notice me, or if they do, there must be nothing about me that makes them want to get to know me more or want to be my friend. This makes me think that i truly am not worth anything, or people would not act that way. My h says i have to learn to "sell myself," but that goes against my grain so much. I've always beleived that if I'm a good, kind, interesting person, then people would notice and want to befriend me. If i have to "toot my own horn" to get attention, then there must be something wrong.

Well last week, my t told me that i need to give up the idea that my parents are going to change and be the loving way i want them to be. She says that they are not going to change, and that by holding out my hopes that they will, i get disappointed over and over again. Each time that they visit and fail to show interest or affection for me, i feel crushed. But to give up my hope that things could change and be different also crushes me.

I've had a couple of older, mother-type friends in the past that i felt very close to, and for quite awhile, it seemed to fill in the emptiness from not having parents who deeply cared. But eventually, i had a serious falling out with them, and they hurt me very badly. A few years have passed, and they both now act like they want to befriend me again. I still love them and miss having friends who seemed to really love me. But my t says they were harmful relationships that damaged me, and i should not go back to them.

It seems like, between losing my hopes for having a close relationship with my parents, and letting go of other people i once felt close to, that there is a huge empty hole inside me. My t has been very caring and kind, and that has helped to fill in the gap somewhat. But i know it's only a matter of time before i have to give her up too.

Last week, my t had me switch chairs, and pretend to be both the hurt child part of me that feels so alone -- and the adult caring me who can give that child the love she needs. It was hard, and i didn't like it. I've come, over time, to have some empathy for the part of me that has been rejected and hurt in life, but I don't "feel" like a loving parent who can give myself what i needed back then as a child. It doesn't feel the same. How do i give myself something i never really had? It doesn't seem fair that i didn't get what i needed then, and i can't get what i need now either. As a child, i had to be a kid who got herself through her own scary and bad situations without any help from mom or dad. And from what i see now, that's the place i'm headed back to when therapy ends. Back to that place of having to face things all alone again. I guess it's not completely true, as i do have a husband who cares about me. But other than him, i don't have any friends in 3D, nobody who is interested in being my friend, much less be willing to stand beside me if i have a problem.

I just feel so alone.

It's true that the people in my life that i've been most attached to (other than my husband) have been the ones who have hurt me most. Maybe my t is right in calling them "damaging relationships." But they were the only close relationships i had, and the only people i felt truly loved me. In therapy, i see how i'm having to face the truth about how these relationships have hurt me and let go of my belief that they deeply loved me the way i thought they did. And let go of my false hopes about them. But what about the huge empty hole? My t says we are making room for more healthy relationships to come in, people who really support who i am as a person. But i just don't see that happening for me down the road. There's nobody beating down the doors to be my friend. And honestly, the way i've been hurt by my best friends, i don't have much motivation to try making any friends in 3D. My belief in humanity's basic goodness and my trust in others has been damaged by all my bad experiences with relationships.

I just feel so alone.

[WePow]

(((((((((((((((((((((((peaches!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

boy howdy ... wow.... yep... no wonder you understand me so well!!! ugs!

"But if that's true, then why do others also treat me as though i am not even there? " - EXACTLY !! Why does the NOW just always tend to feel likt it is just the same thing we learned from the past??

I have no answers at all but thank you so much for posting this and sharing. Yucks on feeling so alone!!!

[Elana05]

((( Dear peaches100)))

We are here with you.
I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so down. I know the feelings of which you speak. My own T also told me not to hold out waiting for my parents to change. Deep down I still do, and I'm 30! But I must admit it is getting better. Please be gentle with yourself.
You have every right to tell your T that you were confused/unsettled by the last session. Your T may not have realized she was being terse. She should know that your feelings were hurt. I have experienced this kind of thing too.
I think depression has a way of telling us that we are being ignored. Overall, it just makes us feel invisible and undervalued. Keep in mind, Peaches, you are an important person. You deserve to feel better. I hope you will bring up how you are feeling with your T...

Elana

[rainbow8]

Peaches: I understand about feeling invisible and unimportant. I sometimes shout to my H "I don't want to be invisible!"

You are NOT invisible though! You're nice and smart and considerate and a good person!!!

My Mom used to tell me I had to "cultivate" friendships. I didn't like hearing that. I think you have to put yourself in a place where friendships can develop, though. You have to be yourself but be willing to let people in a little. It's not that others don't care. People are more isolated these days. They aren't rejecting you; they just live in their own world and don't know you're reaching out. It's not "tooting your own horn"; it's more subtle.

I'm sorry you're feeling depressed and alone. You're not alone on PC.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My Mom used to tell me I had to "cultivate" friendships. I didn't like hearing that. I think you have to put yourself in a place where friendships can develop, though. You have to be yourself but be willing to let people in a little. It's not that others don't care. People are more isolated these days. They aren't rejecting you; they just live in their own world and don't know you're reaching out. It's not "tooting your own horn"; it's more subtle.

I'm sorry you're feeling depressed and alone. You're not alone on PC.

I'm sorry you are hurting, too. And I also understand the feeling of feeling alone/lonely....but what Rainbow says here is so true. I have been working hard the last few years to reach out more, to try to let people in a little more.....hasn't been easy but I am learning that there are truly caring people out there who are worthy of trust, who can be good, close friends.
Maybe right now, you're involved in the process of healing and making space for that in your life and it doesn't seem like it could happen. But let yourself do the work to heal and to make the space and the willingness for a good relationship and it will happen! In the meantime, it looks like you're not alone here - where there are others who do understand your pain, your loneliness.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think you have to put yourself in a place where friendships can develop, though. You have to be yourself but be willing to let people in a little. It's not that others don't care. People are more isolated these days. They aren't rejecting you; they just live in their own world and don't know you're reaching out. It's not "tooting your own horn"; it's more subtle.

I have come to this realization recently, rainbow. Having social anxiety, it's really hard for me to make friends, because attracting attention is at the core of my problems! When I meet someone, it takes YEARS for me to actually call them my friend! I hate putting myself out there because I'm afraid I'll just get hurt or look too needy. *kicks a few stones down the sidewalk with my hands in my pockets*

and peaches, I totally understand what you mean about feeling lonely. It's not that people don't care. I think it's more that they just don't think. As rainbow said, the world we live in today is very different than any other time in the past. People are so "busy" and into their own lives. I often find myself being the one who has to initiate everything with others and it stresses me out, because I deal with painful shyness all the time. But I just don't want to be a loner all the time, so I have to bite the bullet. Ugh. It's so hard, isn't it? I hope things get better for you.

Peaches, I'm so very sorry you feel so sad and alone. I'm glad you felt able to post.

I wanted to respond to this part of your post, just in case it's helpful:

Originally Posted by peaches100

Last week, my t had me switch chairs, and pretend to be both the hurt child part of me that feels so alone -- and the adult caring me who can give that child the love she needs. It was hard, and i didn't like it. I've come, over time, to have some empathy for the part of me that has been rejected and hurt in life, but I don't "feel" like a loving parent who can give myself what i needed back then as a child. It doesn't feel the same. How do i give myself something i never really had?

When this is used for specific memories, it is called 'imagery rescripting'. You basically imagine the childhood memory and feelings, but instead of it ending the way it did (with you as a little child all alone, for example), you and your therapist intervene to give the little-you what she needed. However (and to me this is the important bit which matches with what you're experiencing), you may not be able to do this for yourself immediately...

"During the first part of [schema therapy] the client does not yet... understand normal parent-child relationships and is not capable of imagining how a parent should react in a given situation... The therapist must therefore represent a model of good parenthood. In imagery rescripting exercises the therapist has to think how a healthy parent would react... and do anything and everything necessary to protect and comfort the Little Client.... Once a client has moved further along in the therapeutic process... she herself can carry out the rescripting (i.e. the Big Client intervenes to protect and comfort the Little Client)."

(this comes from a book called Schema Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder by Arntz and van Genderen. I'm reluctant to write that in case you think I'm trying in any way to label you, but I'm truly just using it to talk about a technique, and just giving the source in case you want to find out more about the technique. I really hope you're ok with this)

It's understandable if you don't know yet how to protect and comfort yourself. And it's reasonable to ask your T to do that for you in the context of imagery.

[mobius]

My t has said that my parents way of raising me has led to my bad feelings of being worthless. But if that's true, then why do others also treat me as though i am not even there? They just don't notice me, or if they do, there must be nothing about me that makes them want to get to know me more or want to be my friend. This makes me think that i truly am not worth anything, or people would not act that way.

I'm sorry too that you've been struggling. What you wrote above was interesting to me. Based on what you said about your parents, I think your therapist is probably right that the way they raised you led you to draw the conclusion that you're worthless. And over time this is probably something you've come to believe at a very core level. I think when we feel worthless, we tend to project that stance/outlook out into the world, such that others can pick up on it. Probably not consciously, but at some level. And that in turn makes it less likely that they will reach out, because they have a harder time seeing you for who you really are (as opposed to the feelings of worthless that you might project).

That you feel ambivalent about whether your parents actions/inactions contributed to you feeling worthless vs. there actually being something bad or wrong with you makes sense too. In the absence of explanation, children are likely to blame themselves for their parents' behaviors because even if it is devastating to think, it provides some sort of organizing framework for understanding why things are the way they are.

I'm not sure if this is necessarily making sense. But I wonder what would happen if you suspended your belief, even as an experiment of sorts, that you are worthless. How would your outlook on the future, your relationships, yourself change?

Wishing you well...

[Sannah]

Peaches, you have really come far in therapy since I first started reading your posts here! Your post here summarizes all of the stuff that you have worked through. Very good! (You do have a few new questions, though, also).

Originally Posted by peaches100

My t has said that my parents way of raising me has led to my bad feelings of being worthless.

But if that's true, then why do others also treat me as though i am not even there? They just don't notice me, or if they do, there must be nothing about me that makes them want to get to know me more or want to be my friend.

This makes me think that i truly am not worth anything, or people would not act that way.

I've always beleived that if I'm a good, kind, interesting person, then people would notice and want to befriend me.

I did the same thing Peaches. When you are raised being ignored you get used to be ignored and you learn to act in a way that will.... get you ignored. It's like we move just under the radar. Actually, I found that I hated attention and I avoided it and this is what gets you ignored!

When you are sad, and you mention that you feel depressed, it makes you more invisible too.

I learned to act differently after I worked through my issues and it just changed things.

Originally Posted by peaches100

My t says we are making room for more healthy relationships to come in, people who really support who i am as a person.

But i just don't see that happening for me down the road.

There's nobody beating down the doors to be my friend.

And honestly, the way i've been hurt by my best friends, i don't have much motivation to try making any friends in 3D. My belief in humanity's basic goodness and my trust in others has been damaged by all my bad experiences with relationships.

Yes, you need to fill this hole now that you have cleared the dysfunctional stuff out. It sounds like you want people to come to you? You are capable of being proactive. There are good people out there. You have just been seeking out the dyfunctional kind for various reasons so this is all that you have experience with. Look beyond these types and you will see!!

((((((((((peaches)))))))))))))

i'm sorry things are so hard and you feel so alone and depressed right now. i do think what your T is saying is totally spot on though. i'm short on time so please excuse my directness in my responses here.

i do tend to agree that your parents are not likely to change. it sounds like you are trying to get water from a dry well with them. i'm sure you know the old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". there are other wells out there though and you can find them. most things of value do take some effort in life and don't spontaneously appear so there is nothing wrong with trying to cultivate friendships.

i think the reason you feel invisible is because you have internalized the messages you received, or perceived, that you are invisible. it seems a lot of who we are and how we act is in how we see ourselves. if you feel invisible then you will naturally act like someone who is invisible and then you end up being treated as someone who is invisible. that sucks, i know. but, as you begin to change your self-perceptions then others will see you differently and treat you differently. of course, you may meet people who can see the wonderful qualities in you now, like we on PC do, but i think you do have to put yourself in the way of making friends.

i also wonder if it would be better for you to find friends your own age rather than older women like you have in the past. the love from friendships isn't something that can be controlled so trying to actively find people to fill the void of your mom may not be a good idea at all. i don't know if you've consciously done that but it would probably be wise to see what types of people you are gravitating toward. if it naturally happens and it's healthy then great, but to actively seek out something that specific might be asking for trouble with your history.

as for comforting your wounded child i know you have the skills to do it because you do it on PC all the time when you respond to others with your tremendous compassion. it probably just feels foreign and weird to do it for yourself. i think if you give it some time and practice and you might end up really seeing the benefits. everything new, like trying to make friends or comfort our inner child, feels awkward and difficult at first. that is just the nature of learning new things. as you continue to do it more and more it becomes easier and easier and then you won't even have to think about it and you'll do it naturally. there is hope for you peaches. you are a very smart and compassionate woman.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((( peaches ))))))))))))))))))

When I can come back I will. in the meantime, my friend

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by WePow

(((((((((((((((((((((((peaches!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

boy howdy ... wow.... yep... no wonder you understand me so well!!! ugs!

"But if that's true, then why do others also treat me as though i am not even there? " - EXACTLY !! Why does the NOW just always tend to feel likt it is just the same thing we learned from the past??

I have no answers at all but thank you so much for posting this and sharing. Yucks on feeling so alone!!!

Thanks, WePow. It helps to know that you understand. It's just too bad that we have to go through it . . .

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Elana05

((( Dear peaches100)))

We are here with you.
I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so down. I know the feelings of which you speak. My own T also told me not to hold out waiting for my parents to change. Deep down I still do, and I'm 30! But I must admit it is getting better. Please be gentle with yourself.
You have every right to tell your T that you were confused/unsettled by the last session. Your T may not have realized she was being terse. She should know that your feelings were hurt. I have experienced this kind of thing too.
I think depression has a way of telling us that we are being ignored. Overall, it just makes us feel invisible and undervalued. Keep in mind, Peaches, you are an important person. You deserve to feel better. I hope you will bring up how you are feeling with your T...

Elana

Hi Elana,

I emailed my t and told her how i felt. She said that she wasn't making a "prediction" about my parents or saying that absolutely they would not change. She was just letting me know that, in view of what i've told her about them, it is "unlikely" that they will change. I guess that makes me feel a little better, that there's some hope. . .although I know she is probably right. They are 67 now, and barring some dramatic event happening that would make them evaluate themselves and their relationship with my sister and I, they will no doubt continue on the way they have always been.

I have, in the past, revealed just a little bit my unhappiness about a couple of things that happened in my childhood that relates to them. They totally dismissed it. They said they couldn't think of anything from my childhood that would have caused me problems, and that my serious clinical depression was just my hormones. When I lost 26 pounds during my depression and was put in the hospital, they completely ignored it. They never even mentioned knowing about it, didn't ask why i was depressed, or even offer to help in any way. Just acted like it wasn't happening.

That's what i remember about my childhood. When i was hurting or confused or even in danger, nobody noticed, nobody said anything, or did anything. Even so, there's a part of me today that keeps waiting for them to show that they really, truly care about me. They do a couple of nice things here and there, which keeps my hope alive. But it's not the way it should be between parents and their children. I know it's not. I just hate to see it, admit it, feel it.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Peaches: I understand about feeling invisible and unimportant. I sometimes shout to my H "I don't want to be invisible!"

You are NOT invisible though! You're nice and smart and considerate and a good person!!!

My Mom used to tell me I had to "cultivate" friendships. I didn't like hearing that. I think you have to put yourself in a place where friendships can develop, though. You have to be yourself but be willing to let people in a little. It's not that others don't care. People are more isolated these days. They aren't rejecting you; they just live in their own world and don't know you're reaching out. It's not "tooting your own horn"; it's more subtle.

I'm sorry you're feeling depressed and alone. You're not alone on PC.

Hi Rainbow,

It seems like what you say is correct, that i am going to have to cultivate friendships by being the first one to reach out. . .and also being willing to open up a bit, or let people in. I'm so closed off now, because of friends who have been damaging to me in the past. I know i don't trust easily now, not even close!! It's so sad too, because i used to be so trusting of nearly everyone. But it finally ended up biting me in the butt -- BIG TIME! Somehow i have to muster enough courage and motivation to try again. But even though i'm often lonely, it seems better to me than becoming close with someone who might betray me again. I seem bad at picking friends and don't really trust myself to pick people who will end up being supportive, kind, and accepting rather than judging and critical. I don't see the bad until it bites me. Then when they end up devastating me, I'm shocked and blindsided, because i didn't even see it coming.

[rainbow8]

But Peaches, you have so much more insight now! You're aware of the pattern. Most people do not want to take advantage of you like those older women. I agree with whoever said to look for a friend in someone closer to your own age. It's easier to stay isolated, but the part of you that wants friends is significant! Another favorite quote of my Mom was "nothing ventured, nothing gained."

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I have, in the past, revealed just a little bit my unhappiness about a couple of things that happened in my childhood that relates to them. They totally dismissed it. They said they couldn't think of anything from my childhood that would have caused me problems, and that my serious clinical depression was just my hormones.

When I lost 26 pounds during my depression and was put in the hospital, they completely ignored it. They never even mentioned knowing about it, didn't ask why i was depressed, or even offer to help in any way. Just acted like it wasn't happening.

That's what i remember about my childhood. When i was hurting or confused or even in danger, nobody noticed, nobody said anything, or did anything.

Even so, there's a part of me today that keeps waiting for them to show that they really, truly care about me.

I just hate to see it, admit it, feel it.

Seeing the truth is the path to healing. Denial keeps you where you are. Pain is what keeps us from crossing this bridge.

[Kacey2]

Hi Peaches,
I read your post a few days ago and have been thinking about you ever since. My heart went out to you when I read what you wrote. I totally heard you when you said, "I just feel so alone."

I am sorry that you feel this way and I can understand it as well. What really resonated with me was what you said about now having to be your own loving parent and give yourself what you didn't get and how it doesn't feel right. I get it. It is not the same at all. And it totally is not fair that you didn't get it then and can't get it now.

I just heard today that in Japan one can adopt grandparents, adult children, anything goes... I am not sure how legit this is but this is what I heard. I told my t that I was moving to Japan. Want to come too?

I wish I had some soothing wonderfully intelligent things to say to you. I am just not that smart or cultivated in smoothness yet but I do want to tell you that your post was heard. I felt your pain. I have thought about you a lot lately and you are not alone, because you are connected to me. We are connected in the pain. We are connected with the lost children in us. We are connected because we are both lacking relationships. We are connected because we both are going to move to Japan.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Elana,

I emailed my t and told her how i felt. She said that she wasn't making a "prediction" about my parents or saying that absolutely they would not change. She was just letting me know that, in view of what i've told her about them, it is "unlikely" that they will change. I guess that makes me feel a little better, that there's some hope. . .although I know she is probably right. They are 67 now, and barring some dramatic event happening that would make them evaluate themselves and their relationship with my sister and I, they will no doubt continue on the way they have always been.

I have, in the past, revealed just a little bit my unhappiness about a couple of things that happened in my childhood that relates to them. They totally dismissed it. They said they couldn't think of anything from my childhood that would have caused me problems, and that my serious clinical depression was just my hormones. When I lost 26 pounds during my depression and was put in the hospital, they completely ignored it. They never even mentioned knowing about it, didn't ask why i was depressed, or even offer to help in any way. Just acted like it wasn't happening.

That's what i remember about my childhood. When i was hurting or confused or even in danger, nobody noticed, nobody said anything, or did anything. Even so, there's a part of me today that keeps waiting for them to show that they really, truly care about me. They do a couple of nice things here and there, which keeps my hope alive. But it's not the way it should be between parents and their children. I know it's not. I just hate to see it, admit it, feel it.

(((Peaches)))
I can relate. My parents are the same age:67, 68. I had a big blow-up with my mom over Christmas because I (basically) said to her "haven't you noticed that I have never gotten to be honest with you, never gotten to share any of my feelings?" But she couldn't hear it, couldn't see me. She just said, "I didn't do anything wrong, stop calling me a bad mother." It is so hard to keep going back and keep going back and keep holding out for a different set of responses. My T just keeps telling me to try to let go. And I think it is getting easier. But... hope springs eternal: my dad has told me he is thinking of going to therapy. Well, better late than never.
My heart goes out to you. You are not alone...

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

I'm sorry you are hurting, too. And I also understand the feeling of feeling alone/lonely....but what Rainbow says here is so true. I have been working hard the last few years to reach out more, to try to let people in a little more.....hasn't been easy but I am learning that there are truly caring people out there who are worthy of trust, who can be good, close friends.
Maybe right now, you're involved in the process of healing and making space for that in your life and it doesn't seem like it could happen. But let yourself do the work to heal and to make the space and the willingness for a good relationship and it will happen! In the meantime, it looks like you're not alone here - where there are others who do understand your pain, your loneliness.

Hi Poetgirl,

Thanks for the encouragement. I know i need to be more social and start letting people in again. I just wish i was better at being able to spot a trustworthy person, versus someone who just wants to use me or take advantage of me. I tend to be naive in the sense that, i take people's words and actions at face value (or i used to--not so much now). If someone seemed friendly and acted like they really cared, or said so, i believed them. I never was a person to suspect ulterior motives in people, i always chose to think the best of someone. But after getting disappointed and betrayed a few times, now i'm skeptical and untrusting. I don't like being this way, but i don't want to keep getting hurt.

I feel like I've hit rock bottom with friendships and don't think it could get much worse. I've already gone almost 10 years without a good friend in 3D. After the last friend devastated me, i completely gave up. I've got my husband and my in-laws, you guys on PC, my therapist, and that's about it. And the way my therapist is talking, she'll probably be retiring within the year.

My t has said i need relationships in my life, and i've read it is important, even that having supportive friends is a factor in people who live longer. But i can't decide which is worse: being alone without friends, or trusting again and taking the chance on being hurt/used once more. Right now, i've been trying to reach out in my 3D life "just a little" by going up to people in my congregation and talking more, and being back in touch with a lady my age who i use to be friends with before she moved away. I also went to lunch with a coworker a couple of weeks ago.

I think I'm at a stage now where i can handle having very superficial aquaintanceships/friendships in my 3D life. But not the deeper, significant kind, where i reveal much about myself or have to be vulnerable or count on them for anything. Then again, superficial relationships feel that way to me -- superficial. But at least i don't get hurt that way.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by with or without you

I have come to this realization recently, rainbow. Having social anxiety, it's really hard for me to make friends, because attracting attention is at the core of my problems! When I meet someone, it takes YEARS for me to actually call them my friend! I hate putting myself out there because I'm afraid I'll just get hurt or look too needy. *kicks a few stones down the sidewalk with my hands in my pockets*

and peaches, I totally understand what you mean about feeling lonely. It's not that people don't care. I think it's more that they just don't think. As rainbow said, the world we live in today is very different than any other time in the past. People are so "busy" and into their own lives. I often find myself being the one who has to initiate everything with others and it stresses me out, because I deal with painful shyness all the time. But I just don't want to be a loner all the time, so I have to bite the bullet. Ugh. It's so hard, isn't it? I hope things get better for you.

Hi With or without you,

I think it's so good that you take the initiative in social situations, even though you have social anxiety! Has it led to any potential good friendships? It takes me so long to trust also. . .i wonder how many people would be willing to spend the amount of time i would need to build up my trust in them? If i can't bond within a fairly short amount of time, will they just go elsewhere looking for a friend? I'm not sure i have enough "holding" power if you know what i mean. . .there doesn't seem to be anything about me that is so promising that somebody else would want to hang on a long time waiting for me to "let them in." Maybe i need to work on myself. People don't seem to notice me.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Poetgirl,

Thanks for the encouragement. I know i need to be more social and start letting people in again. I just wish i was better at being able to spot a trustworthy person, versus someone who just wants to use me or take advantage of me. I tend to be naive in the sense that, i take people's words and actions at face value (or i used to--not so much now). If someone seemed friendly and acted like they really cared, or said so, i believed them. I never was a person to suspect ulterior motives in people, i always chose to think the best of someone. But after getting disappointed and betrayed a few times, now i'm skeptical and untrusting. I don't like being this way, but i don't want to keep getting hurt.

I feel like I've hit rock bottom with friendships and don't think it could get much worse. I've already gone almost 10 years without a good friend in 3D. After the last friend devastated me, i completely gave up. I've got my husband and my in-laws, you guys on PC, my therapist, and that's about it. And the way my therapist is talking, she'll probably be retiring within the year.

My t has said i need relationships in my life, and i've read it is important, even that having supportive friends is a factor in people who live longer. But i can't decide which is worse: being alone without friends, or trusting again and taking the chance on being hurt/used once more. Right now, i've been trying to reach out in my 3D life "just a little" by going up to people in my congregation and talking more, and being back in touch with a lady my age who i use to be friends with before she moved away. I also went to lunch with a coworker a couple of weeks ago.

I think I'm at a stage now where i can handle having very superficial aquaintanceships/friendships in my 3D life. But not the deeper, significant kind, where i reveal much about myself or have to be vulnerable or count on them for anything. Then again, superficial relationships feel that way to me -- superficial. But at least i don't get hurt that way.

Reaching out and making 'safe' acquaintances, or lighter, more casual connections maybe, is a good step.....it's ok to take small steps when you've been hurt, have trust issues. This is what I've done....sort of cultivated some acquaintances, which at least does create a sense of connection.....but one of those acquaintances has slowly, carefully, turned into a more real, close friendship, because she has proven herself to understand the importance of trust and shown me both respect and care. I am actually really glad I did reach out a little more to her, and give our friendship the chance to develop and to grow.....maybe something like this can bloom with one of these you've reached out to?
I'm finding I don't really need to have lots of close friendships.....but there is comfort in knowing that there's a small, select few I can feel little closer to, like it is safe to be more real to them, with them. Don't give completely up on trust, peaches; there are still people worth trusting out there!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Right now, i've been trying to reach out in my 3D life "just a little" by going up to people in my congregation and talking more, and being back in touch with a lady my age who i use to be friends with before she moved away. I also went to lunch with a coworker a couple of weeks ago.

This is a good start.......