[sittingatwatersedge]

There's a great thread going on and I don't want to hijack it so I thought I would put an offshoot here.

Someone posted >> I have two totally different opinions of myself.
One part thinks (knows) that I am a professional, very good at my job, highly favored by my boss, great with my students, goal oriented, proficient, organized, outgoing, fun, creative, friendly, loved by many, spiritual, and a great person all around.
The flip side tells me that I am not a good wife, I am not a good caregiver, I am not the best I can be, I am disappointed in how I look, Nobody likes me, Nobody really loves me
[...] The problem is that I (we) tend to dwell on what we are 'not' and don't pay enough attention to what we 'are'.

the question that occurred was, how does anyone know which one of these he/she is?
and granted that probably no one is 100% either A or B,
How to know how much of Side A is true, even if it's scary to believe it, much less assert it?
How much of Side B is really true, even if we don't want to / can't admit it?

[Sannah]

If we believe that we have value it is okay to not be perfect. If we feel that we have no value then anything less than perfection is very painful.

[ladyjrnlist]

Focus on the positives. They are true. The negatives are only true if you let them be true. Tell yourself they are lies, they are.

[Melbadaze]

I think both sides can be true, the question is, why at work does one feel a success yet at home where more emotional attachment is required they feel a failure? Perhaps the need to suceed at work is to cover for the inablity to fulfill a nuturing role at home?

(I have no idea who started the orignal thread that this one sprung from. just wanted to add)

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

If we believe that we have value it is okay to not be perfect. If we feel that we have no value then anything less than perfection is very painful.

This ties into the self-worth issue that was mentioned in yet another thread. If we have self-worth, we can believe we are good enough and accept that.....imperfection is a part of being human. It's OK, because we are all imperfect.....imperfect can still be beautiful. However, it's that mirror thing....looking in the mirror at myself it's too easy to see the wart or whatever isn't as good as I think it should be in me....
But if I can look at someone else, say my husband, and see his flaws and warts too, and still think he's wonderful and has great value as a person.....why can I not do the same for myself? Because of a distorted self-image/sense of self- worth...I think it's OK for others to not be perfect, but if I'm imperfect, I'm bad. That the bad is bigger than the good....and I don't deserve compassion or forgiveness for it....
Now.....going to the thought where there are 2 different opinions of myself....I don't know if I really have 2 clear-cut views of myself, one black, one white, so to speak! What I think it is for me is that others have a certain positive view of me....like as an intelligent, competent, capable, strong or stable person, a good mother, etc., which I accept may have some truth in it.....but while I can accept there's some truth in that I simply can't seem to reconcile that positive image with the negative. My self-worth I suppose is not strong to truly blend the positive with the negative and look at myself as a whole and think that I am indeed, all of me, both good and bad together, a 'wonderful and amazing person' (as my T has said a couple times)...

[Sannah]

This is reminding me of the split, all or nothing, black/white thinking.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

how does anyone know which one of these he/she is?

I think we can be both of those things, or a mix. How do we know?--that is one useful thing about having a therapist--they can be more or less neutral and give us their objective feedback. You can tell your T things from your life and he/she can tell you if your effort fell short or if you could have done more or that you did great and don't listen to your co-worker/spouse/friend who trashed you, etc. Hopefully we can develop that ability to know ourselves--and therapy can help with that--but while we are in therapy, we have the opportunity to use the T's (more or less) neutral viewpoint to gain more knowledge. I have definitely had my T tell me that my efforts (e.g. in parenting or some other area) fell short and suggest that I do more.

[Perna]

I try not to fall into dichotomous thinking, of pitting things against each other. Feeling isn't just one way or another, it can be a lot of things at once. We're more complex than either/or.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Sannah

This is reminding me of the split, all or nothing, black/white thinking.

oh for crying out loud.
And I even took the trouble to say, >> granted that probably no one is 100% either A or B,

The question was never are we A or B, but
how can we tell how much A is true (or is grandiosity etc), and
how much B is true (or is denial etc)

Once a CBT, always a CBT..........?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

oh for crying out loud. And I even took the trouble to say, >> granted that probably no one is 100% either A or B,

The question was never are we A or B, but how can we tell how much A is true (or grandiosity etc), and how much B is true (or denial etc)

Once a CBT, always a CBT..........?

I wonder if some of it is that it is just hard to think of or be comfortable with A & B existing together though, so the tendency is to fall more toward A or B....when the answer is maybe AB, as well as C D E.....because it's probably nothing so simple as just A or B.
I guess though if A is good things about me, then yes I find it hard to really relax into believing those because I don't want to be too proud, and then have someone bring me down flat by pointing out B.....pretty much because this has happened! I get to thinking, maybe I AM smart, or have a bit of wisdom, but then somebody points out some errors in my thinking/actions/character....and I'm like, oh > how stupid, foolish, bad am I, not as good I thought!
So mostly in my mind though it goes something like this, maybe a bit of A, no more B, no there really is A there, no it's all B >>>>

Sorry, though - I think I'm way off track from where your thoughts were when you started this thread, sawe!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

oh for crying out loud.
And I even took the trouble to say, >> granted that probably no one is 100% either A or B,

My post was actually in response to Poetgirls post. I should have mentioned this.

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I think both sides can be true, the question is, why at work does one feel a success yet at home where more emotional attachment is required they feel a failure? Perhaps the need to suceed at work is to cover for the inablity to fulfill a nuturing role at home?

(I have no idea who started the orignal thread that this one sprung from. just wanted to add)

I started this thread, and YES this makes a lot sense. Being a caregiver, and the tremendous amount of stress that entails, does make me feel inadequate at home. In my profession, I am skilled and trained, (went to college) and step right into that role when I get to work.

Being a caregiver, is not something that I went to college or caregiver school to learn. You are just thrown into a role of having to be a nurse, physical therapist, occupational therapist, expert in wheelchair and hospital bed maintenance, learn to do transfers and lifts, ostomy and catheter care, etc.... I am doing a pretty good job of it, but I do not feel like I am the best at it.

I don't feel that I am adequately fulfilling a nurturing role at home. I am so stressed out by the enormous amount of work it takes to care for a quadriplegic spouse, that I constantly feel that I fall short of the mark. It doesn't help that I don't want to be in this role. That may sound harsh to some of you, but if you haven't been thrown into something like this, you don't know how you will react.

Yes, some of you may judge me and think I am horrible for admitting that I do not want to do this for the rest of my life. This job is hard for me. No matter how much you love someone, this is not an easy way to live. Your spouse's very life and existence depends on your ability to care for him and to do it right.

Thus, my thoughts that there are two sides to me. A professional one, and one that feels like I can't do anything right and I am a failure.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I started this thread, and YES this makes a lot sense. Being a caregiver, and the tremendous amount of stress that entails, does make me feel inadequate at home. In my profession, I am skilled and trained, (went to college) and step right into that role when I get to work.

Being a caregiver, is not something that I went to college or caregiver school to learn. You are just thrown into a role of having to be a nurse, physical therapist, occupational therapist, expert in wheelchair and hospital bed maintenance, learn to do transfers and lifts, ostomy and catheter care, etc.... I am doing a pretty good job of it, but I do not feel like I am the best at it.

I don't feel that I am adequately fulfilling a nurturing role at home. I am so stressed out by the enormous amount of work it takes to care for a quadriplegic spouse, that I constantly feel that I fall short of the mark. It doesn't help that I don't want to be in this role. That may sound harsh to some of you, but if you haven't been thrown into something like this, you don't know how you will react.

Yes, some of you may judge me and think I am horrible for admitting that I do not want to do this for the rest of my life. This job is hard for me. No matter how much you love someone, this is not an easy way to live. Your spouse's very life and existence depends on your ability to care for him and to do it right.

Thus, my thoughts that there are two sides to me. A professional one, and one that feels like I can't do anything right and I am a failure.

Not at all judging you, especially not when I haven't had to live with a burden/fill a role like you have...
There are these 2 sides because you do have roles which are very different in what they ask/expect/require of you to do and to give....and bring out different feelings in you about yourself. Like, one role is more intellectual/rational.....the other is more personal/emotional. It makes sense you would feel a split or a conflict between the two roles and in your capabilities to fill them!

[ECHOES]

I believe everyone views themselves differently, depending on what is going on at that particular time, and where the perception is coming from.

Part of my perception of Am I Lovable, Am I worthy is yes for reasons that are about the adult me; part of my perception is No One Wants Me, There is Something Very Wrong With Me that I think come from the core, from internalized perceptions that came from feelings (if that makes sense) and that was about not feeling loved when I had very few words for it, having needs that couldn't be expressed but also weren't met.

I think it's important to explore, so we can find more words and layers of it, and so we can tolerate having opposing feelings about something.

[Sannah]

I don't judge you either Squiggle. What you are doing is very difficult.

[MoAnamCara]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I don't feel that I am adequately fulfilling a nurturing role at home. I am so stressed out by the enormous amount of work it takes to care for a quadriplegic spouse, that I constantly feel that I fall short of the mark. It doesn't help that I don't want to be in this role. That may sound harsh to some of you, but if you haven't been thrown into something like this, you don't know how you will react.

Yes, some of you may judge me and think I am horrible for admitting that I do not want to do this for the rest of my life. This job is hard for me. No matter how much you love someone, this is not an easy way to live. Your spouse's very life and existence depends on your ability to care for him and to do it right.

Thus, my thoughts that there are two sides to me. A professional one, and one that feels like I can't do anything right and I am a failure.

Squiggle -

i have enormous respect for you. i am also in a caregiver role for my partner but nowhere near as demanding physically and emotionally as the one you have. (or not yet...)

it is true that caregivers like us can think things and say things that others, not in such a position, cant quite understand. i completely understand your post and your feelings.

i, too, wrestle with thoughts of inadequacy of care for my partner. the illness has hit me sideways and there have been some other things going on in my life and so now im depressed and anxious and having some difficulty doing things that previously I could do like clockwork.

i feel, then, that my personal issues (as i see the depression etc.) are negatively affecting my partner because i cant or im not (in my mind) doing as good a job as i could be.

but once i hit my work, i am this different professional person who dare not let others see the real me. its a different life in a way, i do not socialize etc. with work folks. but recently i am having difficulties there too - with being able to manage.

just wanted to say that i completely understand your points. we didnt choose this life at all.

and dont forget to make some time for yourself.

[Melbadaze]

no judgement here, thats why i added my footnote.