I have been carving words on myself because there is too much pain involved with this process. I don't want to deal with the pain anymore. I want to quit and go back to my dissociated life. It was better that way.

I know lots of you have felt this and done these awful things to yourself. How do you get past this? Does this awful pain keep coming up? I can't do it.

[granite1]

sorry you are feeling so much pain.i dont really have a bunch of answers for you it is a hard place to be in i hope you are sharing these feelings with your T.i know it is hard but hang in thare.keep posting here

[ladyjrnlist]

I'm in a similar place in therapy. Lots of pain. Try to stay with it, but you can always slow down or take a break if you need to. You are in control of this process, remember that. Hugs.

[elliemay]

Are you literally carving words into yourself? If so, then I would strongly strongly encourage you to go to the emergency room and call your therapist.

If nothing else, going to the ER will interrupt this pain cycle and help you to stop hurting yourself in this way.

I understand the agony, really I do. 100%. But please, get help for yourself and your body. You deserve to NOT do this.

[Melbadaze]

reading your post brought memories for me....during he firsr 1 or 2 yrs I would burn myself with a heated blade...wanting T to SEE my pain...she was seeing it but the process of ecovery is so slow that she had to bear it too knowing that until I was able to tolerate my feelings more then I would continue coping the best way I could...it was an awful time...but now though its still hard at imes...I no longer burn myself...it sounds silly now but I cant do it because it would hurt and it wouldn't fix anything...but thats a big difference saying hat because when I was in that awful place, it was the hurting I wanted and at hat time it did seem as if it was fixing something...I guess its like moving up theough grade sch...as I look back now I see I've outgrown the earlier methods and moved on to being able to stand the pain in a better way...and be able to sit and talk about it...those things were out of my reach at first...i'm sorry your hurting but ake it from me...it does get better...

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Are you literally carving words into yourself? If so, then I would strongly strongly encourage you to go to the emergency room and call your therapist.

If nothing else, going to the ER will interrupt this pain cycle and help you to stop hurting yourself in this way.

I understand the agony, really I do. 100%. But please, get help for yourself and your body. You deserve to NOT do this.

Yes, if it's this severe, this serious, and this hard to get it under control, please seek help! You don't deserve to be hurting yourself like that, not at all.
I understand the pain and agony very well, too. I won't say what I was doing to myself but suddenly it just seemed so real that it did me no good to add to my emotional pain by physical means......my emotional/mental pain was powerful and real by itself. There were enough marks on my mind/heart....I wanted no more on my body. I realized that even though the pain was very strong, I could be stronger, and be in control. The pain won't always be so strong, it really won't!

[Sweetlove]

I also understand this and the only thing that helped me was telling my T exactly what I was doing and why. Just make sure you open up and get help...and I hope it gets a little easier soon

[ErinBear]

Hi Roseleigh,

Have you talked with your T about your self-injury? Does s/he know about your self-injury and how severe it is right now? I know it can be very difficult to discuss these topics, but it is really important. It may be necessary to change the pace of your therapy. Sometimes slowing down the intensity of therapy can really help, or changing topics for awhile and working on a different goal entirely - how to develop better coping tools for feelings and create some alternatives for when you feel like hurting yourself. I used to self-injure (over 6 years ago), and for me, I realized that I just had to make the commitment to stop, that it was sort of like an addiction. I had to get rid of anything I might use to hurt myself, and distract myself any time I might think of hurting myself with a safer activity - maybe going for a walk, watching a movie, doing crafts (I like to crochet), talking to a friend, even coloring. Sometimes if I'm really upset I will rip paper; for me that can help me get rid of upset feelings. Writing or journaling also helps. Different things work for different people in terms of what helps them cope. I hope you can talk with your counselor about these things and your struggles right now. There are ways to change. It's not easy, I know, and still it can be done. I am sending caring wishes your way.

Thinking of you,
ErinBear

Originally Posted by granite1

sorry you are feeling so much pain.i dont really have a bunch of answers for you it is a hard place to be in i hope you are sharing these feelings with your T.i know it is hard but hang in thare.keep posting here

Thank you for your kind response.

Originally Posted by ladyjrnlist

I'm in a similar place in therapy. Lots of pain. Try to stay with it, but you can always slow down or take a break if you need to. You are in control of this process, remember that. Hugs.

The idea of slowing down is a good one. Thanks.

Originally Posted by elliemay

Are you literally carving words into yourself? If so, then I would strongly strongly encourage you to go to the emergency room and call your therapist.

If nothing else, going to the ER will interrupt this pain cycle and help you to stop hurting yourself in this way.

I understand the agony, really I do. 100%. But please, get help for yourself and your body. You deserve to NOT do this.

Yes, I am literally carving words on my body. I have a list of what i am and want to carve them and i 'm not sure why. I do think hospitalization may be necessary to stop the cycle. Thanks.

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

reading your post brought memories for me....during he firsr 1 or 2 yrs I would burn myself with a heated blade...wanting T to SEE my pain...she was seeing it but the process of ecovery is so slow that she had to bear it too knowing that until I was able to tolerate my feelings more then I would continue coping the best way I could...it was an awful time...but now though its still hard at imes...I no longer burn myself...it sounds silly now but I cant do it because it would hurt and it wouldn't fix anything...but thats a big difference saying hat because when I was in that awful place, it was the hurting I wanted and at hat time it did seem as if it was fixing something...I guess its like moving up theough grade sch...as I look back now I see I've outgrown the earlier methods and moved on to being able to stand the pain in a better way...and be able to sit and talk about it...those things were out of my reach at first...i'm sorry your hurting but ake it from me...it does get better...

Thank you. That gives me hope that i can get past this. i want to get past this.

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

Yes, if it's this severe, this serious, and this hard to get it under control, please seek help! You don't deserve to be hurting yourself like that, not at all.
I understand the pain and agony very well, too. I won't say what I was doing to myself but suddenly it just seemed so real that it did me no good to add to my emotional pain by physical means......my emotional/mental pain was powerful and real by itself. There were enough marks on my mind/heart....I wanted no more on my body. I realized that even though the pain was very strong, I could be stronger, and be in control. The pain won't always be so strong, it really won't!

This gives me hope too. I need to know i can get past this. Thank you.

Originally Posted by Sweetlove

I also understand this and the only thing that helped me was telling my T exactly what I was doing and why. Just make sure you open up and get help...and I hope it gets a little easier soon

I am going to call him Monday or maybe even tomorrow and tell him. We've been dealing with hard stuff and it's getting to me. Thank you for you kindness.

Originally Posted by ErinBear

Hi Roseleigh,

Have you talked with your T about your self-injury? Does s/he know about your self-injury and how severe it is right now? I know it can be very difficult to discuss these topics, but it is really important. It may be necessary to change the pace of your therapy. Sometimes slowing down the intensity of therapy can really help, or changing topics for awhile and working on a different goal entirely - how to develop better coping tools for feelings and create some alternatives for when you feel like hurting yourself. I used to self-injure (over 6 years ago), and for me, I realized that I just had to make the commitment to stop, that it was sort of like an addiction. I had to get rid of anything I might use to hurt myself, and distract myself any time I might think of hurting myself with a safer activity - maybe going for a walk, watching a movie, doing crafts (I like to crochet), talking to a friend, even coloring. Sometimes if I'm really upset I will rip paper; for me that can help me get rid of upset feelings. Writing or journaling also helps. Different things work for different people in terms of what helps them cope. I hope you can talk with your counselor about these things and your struggles right now. There are ways to change. It's not easy, I know, and still it can be done. I am sending caring wishes your way.

Thinking of you,
ErinBear

He knows I do it, but doesn't know how much it is right now and i think it's a way of screaming "help me" but he can't if he doesn't know how much I'm hurting.

Thank you so much for the suggestions and advice. I really appreciate it. Thank you all for everything, for the hugs and for the advice and the hope.

Roseleigh- If its at all possible, I hope you can hold off on the SI until you talk with t. From the times I've SI'd I've regretted it a lot afterwards. My t has a policy that she cant help me for 24 hours after I SI which is a great motivator not to do it as well. SI for me is a way to show my pain when I cant express it in words. Luckily my t often can pick up on how much I'm hurting even when I am making no sense with my words. I trust your t will do the same. The SI isnt necessary to make t understand how much pain you are in. Combined with the fact that you regret it later on. I hope that you can wait to SI until you talk to T. If it is really bad please get yourself to an ER you deserve not to have to suffer like this.