my name is granite and i'm a cynic

i have been putting so much thought into why i will not ever ask T if she hates me ,is angry,frustrated etc...
it reminds me of my favorite english teacher i had in one program i was in.she use to call me her little cynic.i never knew what it meant untill one day i got up the nerve to ask her .we went and looked up the definition
ok wow but i agreed the world had turned me into a cynic and that has not changed.
when T talked to me about my not wanting to feel like she is full of anger and frustration,and dreading being with me.she told me i could check it out bye just asking her.I COULDN'T, lots of stuff just ran through my head.trust, fear,panic .the what if she says yes she isbut in reality along with all this i have to add i am a cynic
T could say anything but she sure isnt going to say your right i dread being with you and hate you etc...i have never trusted words for the most part they mean nothing to me sometimes.especially when it comes to my trust and vunlerabilities.the point is, i will never have to ask her that question.i have little faith in her answer.i need to determine this for myself.i dont remember whare i herd this, it may be here or past T's but it always runs through my head.that is " i can tell you can trust me but it is my actions that will convince you "the problem is i dont know how long it will be before i believe what i see.just my thoughts on the old question how does T feel about me

Well this makes a lot of sense granite. This is very insightful of you to figure this out about yourself...........

((granite))

I think it is natural to be cynical when you don't have trustworthy people in your life growing up. I think it's another way of being self-protective. What do you think?
I think there is a whole lot to explore and learn about this for you.

Granite, it is amazing when we find out what about ourselves sometimes. Good job on working hard to see yourself in truth. But you may see only a part of who you are. Your T could very well like you tons and see great things about you. Things you may not see. ;-)

Granite, you've had great insight into yourself and how you trust, or why you don't!
It's not all bad to be cynical if it's helped you be careful of what truth is really behind people's words. Actions do say a lot more than words about how trustworthy people are......are your T's actions saying to you that she is safe for you to trust, that it is safe to believe her words of care would be real?

so far she has done nothing significate to make me not trust her exsept for getting a bit frustrated at me not being able to say no to people and calling me a maryter at one point but long ago before she understood about my inability to say no or speak to others.
she has been thare every week exsept for holidays and especially last monday showed nothing but patients and careing and understanding.but i am scared things may change so we will see.i think she does want to help me.

Trust takes time to build.

(((Granite))) wow - that realisation is really profound!
It does take a long time for trust to build. Don't rush it - go at your own pace

wow...you are so totally right granite. Trust is SO VERY HARD!!! I am a really shy person, if I even think someone might not like something about me I freak out and clam up. I have been keeping a close watch on T since July, re-interpreting every thing he says, every email, etc. It's a lot of hard work to be that vigilant isn't it?

I hope your trust grows, I can already see that it has a bit. You have taken a few really big risks, and that is SO brave!!!

Yes, I can see why you don't trust words. I don't mean I know your past, but I can imagine that nice words may have been said but actions showed the opposite. So, it is LOGICAL for you not to trust anyone's words. Though I think you trust our words on PC, don't you? When your T shows you enough times, over and over, that she's worthy of your trust, then you will believe it. It's a slow process, but you're going in the right direction.