[michelle421]

today was really difficult. i saw my T and talked a lot about what's been going on with my partner. she's really been struggling. she got in a big car accident last week and is having a lot of mental health issues surrounding that and her DID (there was an introject alter that came out and hurt her worse that the crash did - i explained this in my post to the dissociative disorders forum) and now she is having an extra hard time with agoraphobia and suicidal thoughts because she thinks she's always being punished for being hurt. other people hurt her and she gets in trouble so why bother trying to live anymore? ....well it's really taking a toll on me. i'm spread thin and having co-dependent issues and i take on too much of her issues.

i cried so much when i was talking with my t today. it was so hard. it's hard to actually talk about how much it hurts to see my partner hurt herself. it's hard to know that my partner is feeling more conversational in therapy and is trying to cut back on her time with her t when i think she has so much going on that she should be increasing her time with her t. and also, her t hasn't worked with other DID people before. i feel like i am doubting that they are getting work done. and my t made it clear to me today that i have a right to ask my partner to get help with someone who can address her needs (my t is actually a specialist in DID treatment, how ironic is that?!) she said it's like someone going to a lung doctor when they have a heart problem... she's not going to get the right help with the wrong doctor. it's hard to think about that. i can't even imagine talking to my partner about that without her freaking out. i dont want to tell her how to do her therapy, but what she does or doesn't do in therapy affects our relationship together. i at least want to know that she is trying to work on the issues in our every day life. i feel like she might be avoiding talking to her t about what is really going on. i hear all sorts of things from my partner each and every day and i wish she would be telling her t about those things instead of me. i dont know how to handle it.

she has a hard time taking care of herself, and i end up taking on too much. i'm a caretaker. i want her to be ok, but i can't always do it for her. it's just hard to step over the boundary of talking about therapy. we don't talk about each other's therapy... in a way it seems like it's our own business and that's that. but also, it is important for both of us to know how each other is working on our own stuff and to work together. i want our relationship to be getting better as we each are getting better on our own.

has anyone chosen to switch therapists after a really long time? was it hard? but did it help?!

my partner has been with her current t for at least 8 years i think. how might i be able to respectfully bring this up? maybe she would find different kind of healing possible with a therapist that really knows how DID and trauma affect people's lives. any thoughts on this would be appreciated. my t said for me to start thinking about how i could bring this up to my partner. it's scary to think about because i dont know how i would say any of this without her freaking out. though my t pointed out that today too - i'm wrapped up in co-dependent stuff because i'm always worrying about how she's going to react and then i dont say anything. it's so hard!!! it just feels like my therapy today was all about how my partner's therapy isn't working out. it seems weird.

sorry this got so long. i'm kinda rambling and ranting all over the place.

[PTSDlovemycats]

I don't really know what to say other than, I am here to listen even if I don't have the answers.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by michelle421

today was really difficult. i saw my T and talked a lot about what's been going on with my partner. she's really been struggling. she got in a big car accident last week and is having a lot of mental health issues surrounding that and her DID (there was an introject alter that came out and hurt her worse that the crash did - i explained this in my post to the dissociative disorders forum) and now she is having an extra hard time with agoraphobia and suicidal thoughts because she thinks she's always being punished for being hurt. other people hurt her and she gets in trouble so why bother trying to live anymore? ....well it's really taking a toll on me. i'm spread thin and having co-dependent issues and i take on too much of her issues.

i cried so much when i was talking with my t today. it was so hard. it's hard to actually talk about how much it hurts to see my partner hurt herself. it's hard to know that my partner is feeling more conversational in therapy and is trying to cut back on her time with her t when i think she has so much going on that she should be increasing her time with her t. and also, her t hasn't worked with other DID people before. i feel like i am doubting that they are getting work done. and my t made it clear to me today that i have a right to ask my partner to get help with someone who can address her needs (my t is actually a specialist in DID treatment, how ironic is that?!) she said it's like someone going to a lung doctor when they have a heart problem... she's not going to get the right help with the wrong doctor. it's hard to think about that. i can't even imagine talking to my partner about that without her freaking out. i dont want to tell her how to do her therapy, but what she does or doesn't do in therapy affects our relationship together. i at least want to know that she is trying to work on the issues in our every day life. i feel like she might be avoiding talking to her t about what is really going on. i hear all sorts of things from my partner each and every day and i wish she would be telling her t about those things instead of me. i dont know how to handle it.

she has a hard time taking care of herself, and i end up taking on too much. i'm a caretaker. i want her to be ok, but i can't always do it for her. it's just hard to step over the boundary of talking about therapy. we don't talk about each other's therapy... in a way it seems like it's our own business and that's that. but also, it is important for both of us to know how each other is working on our own stuff and to work together. i want our relationship to be getting better as we each are getting better on our own.

has anyone chosen to switch therapists after a really long time? was it hard? but did it help?!

my partner has been with her current t for at least 8 years i think. how might i be able to respectfully bring this up? maybe she would find different kind of healing possible with a therapist that really knows how DID and trauma affect people's lives. any thoughts on this would be appreciated. my t said for me to start thinking about how i could bring this up to my partner. it's scary to think about because i dont know how i would say any of this without her freaking out. though my t pointed out that today too - i'm wrapped up in co-dependent stuff because i'm always worrying about how she's going to react and then i dont say anything. it's so hard!!! it just feels like my therapy today was all about how my partner's therapy isn't working out. it seems weird.

sorry this got so long. i'm kinda rambling and ranting all over the place.

michele

we cant tell you whether you should or shouldnt talk your partner into changing treatment providers but from personal experiences I can tell you I would never no matter what the traumatic situaiton change treatment providers with her 8 years seeing the same one under the belt. Its very hard under normal situations to find treatment providers you can get comfortable with and build trust with. 8 years worth of time work and trust is an amazing record that I would not go against. if my partner even suggested such a thing while we were going through a traumatic event I would tell her to kiss you know what and get out of my face and my angry abusive alters would have come out even more to protect me from someone trying to butt into my business, no matter how caring and the reason, my going through a traumatic event isnt the time for making life altering changes like dropping treatment providers I have build up time and trust with.

my personal opinion theres no guarantee she will find another treatment provider right away that she (not you) can right away open up to, and trust. sure theres your treatment provider but in all honesty if she wanted to see the same treatment provider as you she would have switched to your treatment provider long ago when things were going good and there was no trauma to deal with on top of developing therapeutic trust and confidence in a new therapist with.

I know you like many other caring partners, mine included, may be thinking if she switches to your treatment provider everything will be better. but thats not always the case. most times couples seeing the same treatment provider ends up in disaster because one or the other doesnt feel comfortable talking about each other and any problems with the relationship topics for fear that the therapist is going to tell the partner what is being said when and how.

Michele I know how hard things can get for significant others to have to stand by and watch as those of us with DID go through our trials and tribulations that come with our disorders every day life stresses and these major accidentals that happen. my partner has to go through the same thing. my partner had a very hard time when I witnessed a client getting shot by her abusive partner at point blank range. its not easy being the one to have to do nothing but stand by and watch as things play out.

its also not easy on us that are DIDknowing our partners cant help us the way they want to.. from personal experience I can also tell you that now in the midst of this trauma its not the time for your partner to change treatment providers. you said shes been with this treatment provider for 8 years. that in its self says theres built up trust for this treatment provider. dropping this one and going to an unknown treatment provider who your partner does not know nor has no built up trust and sense of safety with will only further traumatize your partner.

my suggestion ask your partner if you and your therapist can attend a joint therapy session with her so that you can get your own questions answered about how to best support your partner through this. explain to her you love her very much and it hurts you to see her hurting herself like this, that you would like to take a more active role in helping her to feel safer and able to come to you instead of her alters hurting her. Explain to her you would also like to understand this mental disorder better so that you can be the best support person you can be for her, not just for traumatic times but for all times, the good times and the bad.

then you go all go to this joint therapy session (some people call these kinds of sessions family therapy sessions) and you all work together coming to terms with this car accident and the special circumstances involved with your partner being DID, and what safety measures can be set up sot hat your partner doesnt have to continue to harm herself while she is switched into this abusive introject or alter.

Then you follow through no matter how hard it is with whatever is decided between the two therapists you and your partner at the family therapy session. like with my partner and our family therapy session it might turn out that you will need to just stand by and let things unfold the way they are meant to or things might work out in any number of other ways.

but no matter the outcome after the family therapy session you and your partner will be working on the same page and you wont feel like you have to go behind her back seeking help or worrying about how to bring up hard to talk about topics such as this accident and how to help her. you will be working together as a family unit based on whats best for her, guided by those who know you and your partner and the full situation of your partners DID and how her individual reactions, history and such are with traumatic situations and well you get the picture.

[ladyjrnlist]

Tough one. But your partner has to be ready to make some changes and take on more responsibility for her treatment if it's going to work for her. I know how much you care for her, but try to back off a little on the caretaking. Maybe that will spur her into doing a bit more on her own behalf.

Meantime, keep focusing on your own work with T. That's helping you get through this too. I hope things get better soon.

[WikidPissah]

This is really hurting you, and possibly growing into a "deal-breaker" where you end up so exhausted and overwhelmed that you leave her. Is it worse to say I can't do this anymore and leave her?
Or is it worse to say, I don't think your T is going well?

Maybe you could ask if you can go to a T session with her, and she with you???
My H came to T a few times, and although awkward it was helpful.

[Elana05]

michelle421,

I can hear the pain and exhaustion in your post. My heart is with you. Please take a deep breath and remember to take care of yourself. You can't be a help to your partner if you don't take good care of you first (from one caregiver to another).
Does your partner use health insurance?
I thought of 2 things but not sure if they will help, as I somehow think you've already thought of them...
1. Could your partner see a new DID therapist along with her regular therapist (i.e. see her regular therapist once a week and a DID therapist once a week?)
Or
2. Could you both go see a couples therapist?
If you both go to a couples therapist you may be able to get across to your partner how much her helping herself means to you and what it means to the relationship. I just went through this with my own partner. I was on the other side though. I am always trying to cut back on therapy because of the cost. But I went to couples therapy with my S/O and she laid it out one more time that she just couldn't handle my cutting back on therapy. (red face). Sometimes I forget that when I don't take the best care of myself I am also hurting my partner. It is a difficult notion to wrap my head around - for your partner as well I imagine - because I am used to living my life totally alone and trying to take up as little space as possible. It blows my mind to think that the more I care for myself the more I am also caring for my partner and for our relationship.

[michelle421]

wow everyone...thank you! i feel like i have a lot to think about. i really do appreciate all the different perspectives to consider.

i kind of feel like i'm so impressionable that whatever my T says really gets to me, and i do need to sit with it and think about it instead of just taking it in. it feels like my t really wants my partner to have a DID specialist (like she is) but i have also felt like having 8 years with the same therapist IS important. and i certainly dont think it would help anyone to have us seeing the same T. it has felt weird to consider asking my partner how her therapy is going, but i sorta asked her the other day about how she felt about going to every other week, and my partner agreed that it's not very helpful and she will want to go back to every week. i'm glad she feels that way.

i agree that her therapy and her healing is for her to deal with. i do want to give her the space to do her own work. it's just hard to know where our individual therapy ends and where our relationship work together begins.

amandalouise - thank you for sharing your thoughts. it really helped me to gain some perspective on my thoughts... and you said some things i think i haven't been able to put in words myself. it's weird to think that anyone else in the world could know anything about what my life is like with a DID partner... but i'm not alone. again, thank you for sharing your perspective.

and i hear a lot of you mentioning couples therapy or trying out a session together. i will have to think about that. it seems scary on one hand, but also i could see that maybe being helpful as well.

Elana05 thank you also. i really got a lot form your words. it is helpful to know that you can relate.

oh... so much to think about. thank you to everyone who has replied. your support is very much appreciated.

but off i go, because i have the day off from work and i'm going to try to use it well! i'm getting a shiatsu massage today! and i'm going to bring my partner so she can see what it's all about in case she might want to try it. i find it so helpful and my massage therapist is a great, healing person.