[Melbadaze]

I had an aunt that lived with us for a yr when I was about 10, my adoptive fathers sister. There were times she stepped in when she saw me being mistreated, and I just loved the woman, I mean L-O-V-E-D her!. She died when I was 13 and it broke my heart.

Recently when I talk with T she keeps saying she is thinking about my aunt, and how she fit into it all, and then tries to get me to remember what I felt like with her, and I can remember her as being so kind, well I thought she was a saint, but looking back she was probably just a regular kind humabeing but compared to what I had been used to she stood out as saintly.

Well again this week T mentioned her and I sat and said I remember I felt like a little girl when in her company, I never felt like that with my adoptive mother, I felt like a dirty rag someone had thrown on the floor with her and we talked somemore and I begun to feel pressured to remember my aunt, and I felt myself getting irritable and when I got home I emailed T and said I think I feel as if your pushing me away, by wanting me to remember my aunt, and that part of me is crying "but I want you"! and T replied saying she understands that but perhaps in remembering the good I had with my aunt I will be able to have more of T also?

I still felt a bit resistant to that and also surprised by just how much I have forgotten about how I felt with my aunt, that by blocking out the bad some of the good gets blocked out too. But T is right, If I continue to block out the bad feelings of the past, the good go too and with that the being able to feel the good now. But theres something about being afraid to remember any of it really!

[WePow]

((((Melba)))) The memory does tend to latch onto what it thinks is important - what may have been important at the time. So when she was with you, you NEEDED her to be a certain way maybe?

[Melbadaze]

No she was a kind woman, I've just blocked it out and in doing that am doing myself out of a part of me that did feel good, with her. Sorry I may not have explained it properply.

[WikidPissah]

yea. I had a good grandpa. I know I used to get excited when he came, and I know he used to take me for walks and play his violin. But I can't for the life of me remember how I FELT with him. For me it's because it is a feeling, I don't have feelings about the crap I endured I am numb, so as you said numbing out the bad stuff has also robbed me of some seemingly pleasant memories.

[elliemay]

Things like this are really complicated.

On one hand, I think it's the two conflicting experiences that we find so hard to hold. It's much easier to think that our pasts are all good, or all bad. It's hard to recognize that amid all the bad, there was some really good stuff.

Also, if we *do* remember the good, it just highlights how bad the bad actually was, and just leads to more processing. It's hard to latch onto something if it directly links to pain you know?

I'm sorry you lost her when you were so young. That must have felt, on some level, like a lifeline was being torn from you. However, it was a lifeline nonetheless. I'm sure there is some grief now for that loss.

It's really nice that she is being allowed to surface. I suspect the feelings for your therapist have triggered an emotional memory of your aunt. They are nice to have. Those positive emotional memories. A light in the middle of it all.

I have people like that in my past. Some are still here, some have passed on. I have no doubt that the experiences I had with them when I was a child helped me to stay sane, and grounded me somewhat amidst the swirl of chaos.

At least they let me know that *something* wasn't exactly quite right with what was going on in my family. Sometimes as a child, what we think is normal is far from it.

[Sannah]

Maybe you blocked her out because you have been simply trying to repress your feelings? Or maybe it is the not being in touch with the feelings??