[rainbow8]

I told my T we had to talk about that subject so we did. I don't want to write all the details but it's about shame from the past. We've already talked about it before but there's a lot to say. It's not exactly trauma but it may as well be.

She wanted to do EMDR about it so we did, but with my eyes closed this time. I didn't feel well before my session but I managed okay. I have a terrible headache now and am not feeling so great. But I did it! I told her some things I consider "messy" and I felt "messy" but I feel good about it now. I didn't cry, though. She said I did "wonderful" but she always says that!

At the end I felt a little disconnected from her because I hardly had a chance to look at her for the entire session. We didn't get a chance to discuss "love" much. I got the idea she'd rather I'd just like her rather than love her but she said she didn't say that. It was confusing because this took place while I was writing my check. She offered to hug me so we did.

It was more important to talk about the shame stuff than my feelings for her. I know that but it still leaves a little void. She did disclose something about our fit being good--something about herself, and I liked that.

She has it planned where we're going the next few weeks, all with EMDR. So, it was good. I'm sure I'll process it more by tomorrow or the next day. I feel like this is what I need to be doing in therapy but I've only done it in spurts. Now we're focusing in on it. I'm not so scared anymore because my T keeps reassuring me that's all right to say anything to her. She wants me to do this work with her. Like I said before, we're a team.

[granite1]

awsome rain and great work

[geez]

(((rainbow))) I'm happy for you that you had a good session and a great connection with T!

[SpiritRunner]

I'm glad you were able to talk about what you most needed to talk about and that your session was productive!

[Sweetlove]

Glad you are happy with your session and you got through the messy stuff...I'm sure it wasn't easy. You should be very proud of yourself

[sittingatwatersedge]

wow Rainbow, you do hard work. This sounds like a great session!!

[peaches100]

Rainbow,

I'm so glad you got brave enough to get down to discussing the "messy" stuff! I knew you could do it! I'm always encouraged by your honesty and openness with your t.

[Sannah]

I'm getting the feeling that you wanted to process this with words and feelings with your therapist instead of doing the EMDR?

[rainbow8]

Thanks, everyone though I don't think I deserve your praise. Check out my "apology" thread. I don't feel I belong here sometimes.

Sannah, not true. I'm getting used to EMDR now, and it was fine. I did use words and feelings because each time my T stops the buzzers, she wants to know what image I see or what I'm thinking about. Last session when we did it, my eyes were open and I got distracted by trying to look directly at her. That's another issue--my feelings for her--but I didn't have time to discuss it because I thought the other was much more important.

[rainbow8]

My session was good, but I miss my T! I emailed her that I'm sad because therapy was about me, not her and me, and that makes me sad. I don't have a T in real life; I just have ME. I signed it "Me". I said that I have to comfort my parts that are hurt about that.

That's where I am right now, hurting because I had a productive session, but feeling sad and empty even though she hugged me. That part of me is always there, wanting something. I'm trying to comfort myself and let the feelings be. I'm just sad right now.

[WePow]

((((Rainbow)))) It is OK to miss T. :-) It is a healthy thing because what that shows is a desire to bond with people "in real life" ... and just making into having that desire can be a huge step for some people.

[rainbow8]

WePow, thank you. I don't want to start yet another thread, but I don't know what's wrong with me. I think it's because I felt a little like T didn't understand some things yesterday. She didn't react the way I wanted her to. I know it's not true, but I felt rejected again. If she doesn't tell me what I want to hear, I feel disappointed. I think that's transference.

I had an upset stomach and stayed in all day. There was something I was going to do. I could have managed to do it, but I didn't. I also worry that I got T sick. I hope I didn't. I think I need to get into my bed and stay there. Oh, yuck. I don't know if I'm discounting the good of the session or what. Why do the parts want T so much now. I have to try to give them what they need, which is love. That's what my T would tell me to do. I just want to cry instead.

[tarmyg]

I'm glad you had a productive session. It feels good to address what needs to be addressed. You are being brave and that is hard to do sometimes.