[PTSDlovemycats]

When I saw my PDoc this week she was talking about me having a lot of shame and embarassment around my SI and disordered eating. I am just wondering if anyone can relate to this or understand this?? I am not quite sure where the shame comes from...Any replies will be greatly appreciated as always.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Yes - I have the same feelings around SI, I'm not sure where it comes from. I think for me it was because the SI was so secretive, like the abuse. And even though my gut told me it was wrong, it gave me the feelings I was looking for - relief, etc.
For me the embarrassment stems from the scars - most of them are easy to hide, but occasionally someone will see one and question and then I have to decide whether I can tell the truth or come up with a quick lie.
In high school, I was called "blender" because it looked like I stuck my arm in a blender. Most of the scars have faded some since then and are more inconspicuous, but that definitely caused shame and embarrassment.

[sailboat]

I don't have an ED but I do have phobias related to food so I also have rather abnormal eating habits which have actually gotten A LOT worse since I started therapy.
I felt ashamed for it too for various reasons. 1. how stupid is it to be afraid of food??? 2. I go to therapy to get better and what happens? I get worse so I feel ashamed because I feel like I'm not working hard enough. Blaming myself for everything.

I guess with SI it's the same thing. You get "weak" and let it happen or make it happen even though you know you shouldn't. I think it's very similar to when kids mess up and have to come clean to their parents- the people who (should) know better.

Shame and embarassment, two of my favorite topics . . . or two topics that are at the core of my being! If you get a chance, do a google search on Brene' Brown (great short video of her on TED TV). She's a researcher who has dedicated her career to researching the topic of shame. She is warm, witty and sharp, sharp sharp! I just finished reading one of her books on the topic of shame and it truly helped me understand how much shame influences us on a daily basis and how we can make ourselves more shame resilant.

[Elley]

Yes, I have this too. I think that I'm fine with it, but every time my T brings up SI I feel overwhelmingly uncomfortable and embarrassed. I'm not sure why, it's just sort of taboo I guess. I feel like a crazy woman, and I don't like anyone knowing that I lose control like that. In fact, that's it - I think the shame for me comes from letting go of my self-control. SI is sort of primal, really. That blatant embodiment of emotional unhappiness is not the sort of thing we associate with 'civilised' societies.

[granite1]

i tend to have a lot of shame about everything i dont know what causes it .it just seems to be who i am

[WikidPissah]

Yea...tons of shame here. Like sailboat, I have this major food phobia, and I also have been know to give into bouts of SI - though I have gotten much better with the latter. My dad was a well known politician, and I spent my whole childhood/young adulthood doing everything to keep his reputation in tact...even though he was a raging abusive alcoholic. I think that's where a lot of my shame comes from...trying to keep secrets knowing that the world would reject me if they saw the "real me".

[sailboat]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

Like sailboat, I have this major food phobia

what???????? I thought I was the only one!!! Seriously, wow! I'm sorry you're struggling with it too but BOY AM I GLAD I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by sailboat

I guess with SI it's the same thing. You get "weak" and let it happen or make it happen even though you know you shouldn't. I think it's very similar to when kids mess up and have to come clean to their parents- the people who (should) know better.

Thanks for this Sailboat!

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

I think that's where a lot of my shame comes from...trying to keep secrets knowing that the world would reject me if they saw the "real me".

Wow that is so true for me as well!! Thanks Eileen!

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

For me the embarrassment stems from the scars - most of them are easy to hide, but occasionally someone will see one and question and then I have to decide whether I can tell the truth or come up with a quick lie..

Ditto. Thanks so much!

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

When I saw my PDoc this week she was talking about me having a lot of shame and embarassment around my SI and disordered eating. I am just wondering if anyone can relate to this or understand this?? I am not quite sure where the shame comes from...Any replies will be greatly appreciated as always.

Yup. Lots of shame around my own SI and ED. For me, anytime anyone found out about my SI, I was made to feel like I was a freak, like there was something seriously wrong with me. I was belittled, yelled at, told that I just had to stop doing it. Yeah...really not that easy to just stop. I learned to be ashamed and embarassed by what I was doing from the reactions of others. With the ED...no one ever knew. I've only revealed that in person to two people - my T and one friend. I could feel my face flushing with embarassment as I told them. I knew the ED was "not normal" and it was my secret. I believed that I couldn't let anyone know about it...if they did, I just knew I'd get the same reaction as I got about the SI. I don't do well with attention being focused on me, and anyone who learned about my SI or ED instantly focused more attention on me...which just made the SI and ED worse, which made the focus stronger...well, it became a viscious circle.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

For me the embarrassment stems from the scars - most of them are easy to hide, but occasionally someone will see one and question and then I have to decide whether I can tell the truth or come up with a quick lie.

This one is huge for me. I hate being caught by surprise and then trying to come up with a reasonable lie for a scar.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

This one is huge for me. I hate being caught by surprise and then trying to come up with a reasonable lie for a scar.

Ditto for me as well.