Transference question?

The topic on PC that always grabs my attention is anything that has to do with transference. It is a very puzzling and intriguing concept to me. I've read about transference here on PC and in other sources. I think I have a pretty 'basic' understanding of it.

My question to you is.... do you always know who in your life you are experiencing this transference for with your T.?

I don't. I heard that most transference is very subconscious. My T says I amaze him because I usually know when it is transference and then I am able to process through until I get to the root of the transference. But that is very hard work!

Thanks WePow....but by the "root of the transference" you mean.............?

I am not sure that I am giving you the answer you are looking for. I can only tell you what I went through. I did experience transference with my therapist. For me, it was because she represented a nurturing, genuine, honest, open person for me. She would listen to me and not reject me. I was lacking this intimate relationship in my marriage.

She became a substitute for what I should have had at home with my spouse. I felt deep feelings for her that I did not feel were 'normal'. This bothered me a lot and I began to question my sexuality.

Thankfully, I have worked through that. I spent a lot of time on PC reading and chatting with others who had gone through it. They helped me a lot!

Most of my transference comes from my original relationship, with my adoptive mother, we carry these unresolved important milestones with us until we find resolution and because most times its subconsious we act them out completely unaware why we just said that, done that, etc etc, my understanding of what I was doing happened recently, I would walk in to therapy, act adult then suddenly T would say something and I would begin to "attack" her, verbally, this went on and on for 6yrs until a couple of months ago I think, I walked in saying I felt fine had nothing much to say, then suddenly out of the blue my own consious knowledge saw the pattern before It happened and I looked at T and said, ****, I was just about to "do" that thing that I normally do, start of fine then try and pull you into my stuff, and T nodded yes and said I think thats what your mother use to do, things would be fine with her then suddenly out of the blue she would change and begin to attack me. T said I wouldn't feel bad about what you do here because until now its been your own way to communicate your relationship with your adoptive mother, but now its become consious it will be easier to manage.

I find therapy is about these moments, and yes we will have a good idea where the transference is coming from when we see it.

Even though I say I have a basic understanding of transference, it seems the more I try to understand how it is playing a part in my therapy, the more it confuses & overwhelms me.!

Squiggle & Melbadaze - thanks for sharing your experiences.

Tarmyg, by "root" I mean that I have to really figure out what it is about a certain event or action which triggers me. For example: One day I went to session and arrived early. My T was in his office with no one else there. He came out and saw me and said "I will be right with you after I finish my lunch" - then he politely shut the door.

Ok - THAT threw me into a tailspin. I felt hurt and rejected by him.
The pain was very deep and very real.
But my logical brain new it was "Ok" .. My T did nothing wrong. He was very polite. And I was playing with my iPad and occupied. I was not in distress. I was just a few min early. So why did I spin out from such a simple action?

It took me some work to process through this and find my "root" of being hurt by this action. I asked the good folks of PC for input and that really helped because they reminded me that my T was very good and he was there for me. Once I actually accepted the reality that my emotions didn't match the situation, I knew it was transference.

I had to feel for myself what that event brought up for me. What was it in my past that made me feel the same way? Was there a time when I just wanted to be with a primary caregiver only to have them close the door in my face? Did I sit there like a good girl and say nothing because I didn't want them to know how much it hurt inside? ahhhhh..... yes.

It was very difficult to make myself see the emotional connections. But I saw and felt the pain when my mom would go into her room and shut the door on us when we were little. I wanted to be with my mommy and didn't understand that she just needed some privacy. She didn't explain. So I was silent and sat there with a broken heart. Just like I did with my T.

There I was all excited to see my T... to be in the same space as him... and I was fine with him sitting there with the door open just eating his lunch while I played. I didn't need him to say anything to me. I just was enjoying his company and it felt safe. But when he closed the door, my heart jumped right into the transference and felt like my mother was once again closing the door on me. And that hurt. So I said nothing at the time of the session - or for a while after that in fact. The pain was so deep that I just couldn't tell him. I was being the "good girl" all over again.

Finally I did share with my T. But only after I figured it out for myself. :-)
I don't recommend trying to figure out transference on your own though. Just be honest with T and T can walk you through it. But I also know how challenging that can be.

yea, the whole transference topic confuses me. Like I wonder if I am not experiencing any transference am I doing T wrong? Or do I have the wrong T? Is it something you have to have to get better? I wonder if anyone else questions this.

I think its the feelings that overwhelms, try not to understand it but just go "with it", all will become clear.

Melbadaze - I like your advice of "trying not to understand it, but just to go with it".

Speaking of transference, when I read the phrase "go with it" I have an immediate transference reaction to my T because she says "go with it" or "go with that" when we do EMDR. It makes me want to be with her in the worst way!! I have a lot of transference in my therapy as well as liking/loving my T for who she is. Or maybe that's called being "triggered", not transference. In any case, transference is tricky and I agree you have to "go with it" wherever it leads you!

I believe transference exists not only in the therapy relationship but also in real life.

I agree Lost.... just wasn't aware of it in other relationships until now!

I agree, and I have been a target of it! I had someone assign the worst motiviations to me before, all based on her past!

Wow Sannah!! .....makes you really think about our relationships and things that have occurred with them?!

I guess transference can also be experienced by children. Being a teacher, sometimes my students automatically assume that I am going to be mean and I am ugly! This may come from past experiences with a former teacher.

I can see the fear in their eyes when they come in that first day. They tend to stare at me a lot! I have them write down their feelings about the first days of school. Later on in the year, we read back over them. We laugh at how silly it was for them to 'assume' I was this horrible, mean, wicked teacher, who dressed is sack cloth and ashes!

I try to bring to my classroom the lessons I am learning in therapy. Having my students write out their feelings has been a great tool. Especially for those who have trouble expressing to me what is wrong (why they are sad, mad, angry, etc...)

I actually have one student who is in love with me. He tells me all the time that he comes to school because he loves me. He has a rough life at home. I represent a mothering, secure figure to him. Could this be transference? He is wanting me to be his mother because he feels he doesn't have one at home?

He gets very jealous if I spend too much time with another student. Sometimes I see him glaring at me, almost as if he is hating me for not spending that time with him.

yes transference happens outside therapy, but its in therapy that we get to safely understand it.

I think transference is one of the reasons to avoid having a therapist of the opposite sex, especially if you are discussing relationship issues. It's too easy to fall in "like" or even "love" with someone you are so intimate with, and attracted to. It interferes with the real business of therapy, even if you are astute enough to recognize and discuss it openly.