[Tammy Cronrath]

Hi all. I am glad to have found this place! I have been with my therapist for 6 years. She started working with my husband and I in 2003 after he suffered a stroke. He was young and healthy and the best man in the world. He recovered fine physically, but we worked with this therapist for his self esteem and my stress over it all. The 3 of us were quite close, she helped us so much! When he died suddenly in Nov of 2004 she met me at the hospital and we sat with him for hours. She has kept me going, helped me very much. She is this beautiful woman, long hair, works out, etc,., very active. She had a baby in October (he is beautiful). When we resumed therapy after her Maternity leave I was startled to see she had cut a lot off of her hair! A few weeks later it got shorter and went from blond to dark. She doesn't wear the same "feminine" type clothes and seems more "formal" in session. She has always helped me through changes, like when she moved offices, or changed secretaries. But this change was the most important one I needed prep for. I don't know why she didn't prepare me for this change, it feels like she died. I want to ask why she has changed her persona and I wonder where her former self went and why? I feel grieved, I want the old doctor back-or at least part of her. How do I talk with her about this? What do I ask? Should I just ignore it? It has floored me and I wonder why this happened. Help me out please! It has been hard to connect. I want to be honest...

[Sweetlove]

Hi Tammy, welcome!

First of all, I am so sorry about your husband...my heart goes out to you.

And then to top it off, you have to almost grieve your T too. The only advice I can give is to talk to her...which I know isn't what you probably want to hear. I would say "I didn't want to take the chance of jepordizing our relationship, but theres something I need to talk to you about. I feel like recently you've changed and I just wanted to make sure it wasn't me". This is what I would probably say because I don't want my T to every think I'm being rude or disrespectfull. You could change it around a bit to make you feel comfortable...just my two cents.

I hope it all works out for you...good luck

[Tammy Cronrath]

thank you! Actually it has reached a point where I must talk about it-just how to do it without hurting her is important. Thanks

[rainbow8]

Hi Tammy. Your Ts appearance does sound very strange, like she's having a sex change or something! Or could be some kind of hormonal change due to her having a baby? I know nothing about that; I'm just racking my brain trying to think of a logical explanation.

Or, she wants a new look for herself for some other reason. Whatever the reason, I'm sorry because I know it's very scary for you. I'm scared just reading about it.

You've been with her 6 years. That's a very long time, long enough I think, that you can be perfectly honest with her. I would say something like "T, you look different since you came back and that scares me. Can we talk about it?" Then, you will see what she has to say. I don't think that would be rude because this definitely affects your therapy with her. Maybe she will say, "Oh, I just wanted a new look", or maybe she will say something else. You don't want to embarrass her, but I'm sure she has realized that clients are going to notice this change and she should have planned what to say.

I wish you luck. I hope your T will be honest with you. Does she generally disclose information about herself with you?

[Tammy Cronrath]

Thanks Rainbow, and yes, she does disclose info at appropriate times. However, the goal is always for me to work and she to help. I think the part I am most upset about, is how she preps me for any change and very thoroughly, but there was no prepping about this giant persona change. I guess I am the most hurt about that, it made me squirm during my last session. I would think she would have to have known. Either way, tomorrow at my session I must deal with it. maybe if I understood it would help. She is 44 and skilled at therapy. Any more ideas on how to deal would help.

[sunrise]

Tammy, when I had my first baby, I was pretty overwhelmed and exhausted. I cut my hair shorter too. I just didn't have time to keep it up. Plus, when baby gets to be a certain age, they start pulling on your hair and think it is a great delight. I've known lots of women who wore their hair shorter in the first couple of years of babyhood. Along those same lines, if your T used to color her hair blonde, she could just be letting it revert to its natural dark color for the same reason--because she's tired and wants to save time and hassle.

That explanation might work for the hair, but it doesn't explain what your T has become more formal in session.

I think you should just ask your T. At my last session, I noticed my T had started to grow a beard, and I asked him about it immediately. He was happy to talk about it.

it almost sounds like your T feels like she needs to be more of an adult now that she has a child. really, that is just a guess on my part though. i think being honest that you feel a bit confused or disoriented by the changes in her appearance is good. sorry, i'm not the best at wording things but i'm sure your T will allay your fears.

[WePow]

My heart also goes out to you for the loss of the love of your life. My fiancé passed in a plane crash when I was 24 and he was 26. I know it is not the same but just wanted to share that with you so you know that my heart does feel with you at the depth of your loss. They say time heals all wounds, but that is a lie. We don't ever stop loving the man we lost before his time.

Because of your past loss, I would highly encourage you to talk about the changes with your T from the point of how they impact you and your sessions.

You said your husband first had a stroke. That was sudden change. It was drastic.
Your T having a child and transforming from a young adult into a mother is also a drastic change.

In your past, you saw that a drastic change can lead to someone you love dearly being removed from your life. Drastic change = HUGE loss / BIG pain / emotional trauma .

It will be very natural for you to emotionally "panic" at a big change in the next person closest to you. In this case it is T.

You know you don't want T to change and you know you logically can accept T making changes. But the emotional uncertainty is what you need to addess. So keep the focus on you and maybe say something like "I need to go over a few things with you. These are changes I see in you. This is how those changes make me feel."

[Liam Grey]

That's a great question.

I often identify people with their usual hairstyle... and if my T would cut her hair short and with a different color, it would surely feel strange... like talking to another person (err, not quite it but I think you all understand). It'd be shocking.

If I were in you I'd surely talk about it with her.

[Tammy Cronrath]

thanks to all of you for your input. My T is 44, but has been a very "sexy" woman. She had her baby with a donor IVF. Maybe she is changing her look to not have any guys after her? I think it may be exerting more control in her life. Going brown seems like wanting to blend in. Whatever the reason, I am going to bring it up today in as positive a way as possible, but let her know how the changes are affecting me. If she is the therapist she always has been, then she will know what to do. I do so much appreciate all of your input. I will post this evening about how things went.

[sunrise]

Good luck, Tammy. Looking forward to your update.

[rainbow8]

Tammy, I hope you got some answers in your session. Are you okay?

[Tammy Cronrath]

Hi, thanks for being concerned about me! Well, when my T opened the door to take me back yesterday, she already looked closer to herself. However, I did, in a polite way, tell her about the changes to her appearance were affecting me. She was very kind. She replied that "yes, it has been different in here and I have felt it too, but it is slowly righting itself." She revealed the reason for the haircut was to let some shorter layers on top grow longer-less upkeep for her with a baby and a single parent as well. She went brown temporairly to give her hair a rest from bleaching as she has been gray since grad school. "My hair is growing longer and will continue to grow and I will slowly be shifting back to my lighter shade." She was dressed in her casual wear yesterday. She said she did not address the appearance change, as she did not her pregnancy, as it is "not about me in here." She said she gave this much thought and there was no easy answer. She thanked me for talking to her about it and being willing to bring it up. I felt a lot better. After our session we went in and saw her little boy (4 months) who is on site with a caregiver. She keeps him from most clients because of privacy, but shares him with some who she says have transcended. In 2008 I had a dream where I saw her go into her office and climb into a play pen and hold a baby very close to her. I thought it was a crazy dream, but when I revealed it to her she said she was wanting a child very much. So, there is some connection somewhere. I appreciate everyone's thoughts, as it helped me decide how to handle my conflict-thank you all for listening!

[Sweetlove]

Tammy, so happy for you! Glad you session went well and your T sounds very understanding of your feelings. I think it's really cool that she lets you see her baby, too! I hope this is a big weight lifted off your shoulders