This morning, I saw T for the third time this week, since we had an extra appointment after all of the weirdness of Monday.

T is SO QUIET sometimes. He sits there, and I know he is giving me "space", letting whatever comes up come up, and I know it's right, and probably, in the end, what I want so I can do what I need to do to heal...but at the same time, it's kind of like torture sometimes. I feel things start to push at me and...yuck.

So, he was sitting there being all quiet and I told him some things going on in my life. We talked about this thing I have coming up on Monday, and how I've worked through my feelings about it, and I think I will be okay now.

And then the silence was there again.

I had a HORRIBLE headache going in, so I laid down on the couch and was looking at the blinds on the window. Something about the blinds makes me start to drift away, and I could feel it happening. T asked "do you feel drifty?" and I think I said yes. I sat up, drank water, shook my head, did everything I knew to do to get grounded. I said I wanted to leave. T encouraged me to not run away from it, but to be curious about what was happening.

I think I went into my dark hiding place inside. I heard T from FAR away ask "are you resting or are you in the dark place?". I heard him saying my name. I have no idea how much time went by....I peeked out and nothing looked real. Somehow I told T I wanted him to sit with me, but I don't know if I said the words or what.

I held T's hand, and it was like being in the dark place but also kind of with T at the same time. I think I heard T talking about being safe, and about the sky. He put a blanket on me...I think I was cold.

I felt safer under the blanket so I peeked out at him. I asked him to tell me about how I'm safe. And he did - he talked and talked, and told me all of the reasons I'm safe, the reasons my mom can't/won't/wouldn't kill me if I told, the reasons I'm physically safe and emotionally safe and spiritually safe.

I asked him if he loved me no matter what. He said yes. I asked him if he loved him no matter what. He laughed and said it took work, but yes. I asked him if someday I would love me no matter what, and he said yes.

He asked how I felt and I looked around and everything looked normal again, and my head felt better. It was just T's office. Just safe and okay and normal.

The whole session seems like a dream - like maybe it didn't even happen - but I'm sitting here in my house, and I'm sure I went. Sometimes it's hard to come all the way back from the drifty place. I'm so sleepy.

I am trying to be in my life. Usually I can get kind of grounded back in my life, and at the end of session, T's office looked so CLEAR and I really thought I was all the way back, but now I'm not sure. I'm trying not to be scared, and I'm trying to breathe. I don't know why I can't quite get grounded. It's hard to be here in the middle, and the more scared I feel of it, the more likely it seems that I'll drift away again

I think I will see if my 8 year old wants to take the dog for a walk with me. It sounds awful, but not coming all the way back sounds worse.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Tree ))))

I can relate to that drifty feeling. It's scary to "go away" like that, not knowing what's going on around you or feeling able to control it. T told me before that it's because I haven't worked through whatever "it" is. I know that "it" is a lot of things, and it's all scary. Too scary. But dissociating without having any control over it is scary too. Blech. It's hard to be in that middle place. Very hard.

T has even mentioned to me that I dissociate in group, a little bit. I was surprised to hear that - like......He said that any time that I am not present, when I shut down, tune out, etc. is a form of dissociation. A milder form.

Strange how sometimes we can face difficult things head-on...and other times, our bodies just take over. It's scary.

I am glad that you're doing something to try to stay grounded.

[Omers]

Hugs! Great job trusting T. I would be very tired too and it always seems harder to get grounded when you are emotionally tired from something lie that. The walk sounds like a very good idea

[sittingatwatersedge]

Hi dear,

wow what a journey.
I don't know if it helps you feel as ifyou are all the way back, but every word in yr post was spelled correctely (I can't vouch for what I am writing now) and everything made sense. Does that mean you're back maybe??

This is definitely the right T for you. I once offered to give him a virtual KITA for you, I woul love to send him a now.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( tree )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

you squeeze my tears out. especially this >> I asked him if he loved me no matter what. He said yes. I asked him if he loved him no matter what. He laughed and said it took work, but yes. I asked him if someday I would love me no matter what, and he said yes.
that one is worth keeping, it's like gold.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Sometimes it's hard to come all the way back from the drifty place. I'm so sleepy.

I am trying to be in my life. Usually I can get kind of grounded back in my life, and at the end of session, T's office looked so CLEAR and I really thought I was all the way back, but now I'm not sure. I'm trying not to be scared, and I'm trying to breathe. I don't know why I can't quite get grounded. It's hard to be here in the middle, and the more scared I feel of it, the more likely it seems that I'll drift away again

((((Treehouse)))). I know that drifty place very very well. I think that I usually call it my "floaty place" and I tell T that I'm floating away. It's really hard to come back sometimes. I often find it very difficult to transition back into life.....being a mom, etc.... It is so weird to switch back and forth between different ages, times, memories. So often, things feel surreal and I walk out of T's office feeling like I haven't quite come all the way back. You describe it really well, when you call it the "middle".....not quite there, not quite here, just somewhere floating, drifting....it's weird. It's hard.

Taking the dog for a walk is a great idea, although I know how awful it sounds. The urge is to curl up in a ball and hide under the covers in bed....and, of course, that's the worst thing to do in terms of getting grounded. I usually find that getting outside helps....or exercise....yesterday, I went directly to the gym after session and hated every second of it, but, it probably did help.

You are doing really hard, really good work, and I love your T. He sounds very amazing.

[SpiritRunner]

((((tree)))) I am so glad that you have a T like that, who can help you so well when you go to the drifty place. He just sounds so special. As for how hard it is to come back, I know a bit about that, too, I seem to spend a lot of time 'away' sometimes, and to keep functioning, take care of kids, etc., when not fully present is hard.....I hope you did take the dog for a walk and have gotten more grounded by now!

[sunrise]

((((treehouse))))

[WePow]

(((((((((Treehouse)))))))))) That is very good that you were able to BE with your T today - in that safe way. Very awesome!

[Abby]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I asked him if he loved me no matter what. He said yes. I asked him if he loved him no matter what. He laughed and said it took work, but yes. I asked him if someday I would love me no matter what, and he said yes.

Regarding your previous post would it be bad to ask what the 'ah-ha' moment was? Sometimes I find I have these moments but then lose them....i think it is pretty amazing you a) had an 'ah-ha' moment, b) were able to hold on to it for more than a second and c) were able to tell your T about it.

Thank you again for posting.

[lifelesstraveled]

((tree))

(((((((tree))))))))))

Originally Posted by Abby

Regarding your previous post would it be bad to ask what the 'ah-ha' moment was? Sometimes I find I have these moments but then lose them....i think it is pretty amazing you a) had an 'ah-ha' moment, b) were able to hold on to it for more than a second and c) were able to tell your T about it.

Thank you again for posting.

It was really just about two events in my life kind of coming together at the same time...the mom stuff coming up in therapy, AND a IRL thing I have coming up on Monday that involves sharing part of my story (including at least a mention of the mom stuff) with other people. "Not telling" was/is huge huge HUGE for me, and even though I've been able to tell T the CSA stuff, the mom stuff is a million times harder. It's taken me three years to even start to think about talking about it. And all of a sudden it's coming up in therapy AND out of therapy. eeeeek.

So, we were basically floundering around on Monday, not connecting, both confused...and later I realized what was going on with me. I didn't have to hold onto it for more than a second, because I was literally leaving T a phone message at the moment it occurred to me, so I left it on the message. And then HE held onto it for me

I know what you mean about having those moments and losing them, though. Sometimes I have these moments of clarity where everything makes SENSE, and they are so fleeting. And once they're gone, they're gone.

I got lucky this time!

I just wanted to share that I went on a walk with the dog and all three of my boys. It was windy and I tried to feel the wind and breathe and listen to my silly boys and BE PRESENT. It actually did help a LOT. When we came home, I felt a lot more "here". And then my boys had music lessons, so we had to leave and I had to chat with their teacher for an hour, and that helped a lot too. Outside and music are the two things that help me the most, and it all kind of came together at once. T would love that - he would call it grace.

Thankfully, session seems FAR away now, but the feeling of being loved by T has stayed. He left me a message and said that he loves me, and that even though it doesn't feel like it, there is BIG forward movement in things like being able to reach out from my dark place to hold his hand. He reminded me of the safe things we talked about at the end of session, and about God, and grace. And he said he would be thinking about me this weekend while I get ready for Monday, and he just wanted me to know that.

So, I think I can take the good from the session (the connection) and leave the bad there for now. At least that's what I'm going to try to do.

Having someone love the young, scared part of me who was told and shown over and over again how ugly and hated and unwanted and unlovable she was is...kind of indescribable. I don't love that part of me, but T does. It's like there is this piece of me that has never felt what it's like to be loved and all of a sudden, here it IS. It feels surprising and bewildering and confusing and scary and good. All at once. Maybe what seemed impossible is possible. It's so scary, and such a gift.

((((((((PC Friends)))))))

[Sweetlove]

Hey Tree..I wanted to comment when I read your post a few hours ago, but really wanted to take some time to say everything I wanted.

Originally Posted by treehouse

T is SO QUIET sometimes. He sits there, and I know he is giving me "space", letting whatever comes up come up, and I know it's right, and probably, in the end, what I want so I can do what I need to do to heal...but at the same time, it's kind of like torture sometimes. I feel things start to push at me and...yuck.

My T does this every session. He doesn't want to influence me in any way, so he lets me feel what I need to and then reflect. Sometimes I really HATE this, but I've come to realize I need to use and appreciate the silence.

Originally Posted by treehouse

I am trying to be in my life.

I'm not sure I could have summed up my life better myself. That statement has been my life since the beginning of November. Feeling like I'm watching my life on television and crying at it like it is some emotional, tearful movie scene. I feel like I haven't been IN my life in months, maybe longer. I try so hard to jump in every once in a while, but sometimes it is just so excruciating that sometimes I have to change the channel...It is definately a work in progress.

Thank you for sharing...and I love that T covered you with a blanket...so very sweet.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Having someone love the young, scared part of me who was told and shown over and over again how ugly and hated and unwanted and unlovable she was is...kind of indescribable. I don't love that part of me, but T does. It's like there is this piece of me that has never felt what it's like to be loved and all of a sudden, here it IS. It feels surprising and bewildering and confusing and scary and good. All at once. Maybe what seemed impossible is possible. It's so scary, and such a gift.

I love how you said this, and I feel the exact same way. THIS has really been the healing for me.... Yes, things need to be processed and talked about and remembered, but, the unconditional love is just the greatest, most healing and amazing gift. Glad that you are able to hold onto that right now.

[embracinglife]

it sounds like you're doing hard work. good job. keep working at it.