[mixedup_emotions]

I hate it when I'm not "prepared". I know how some people just go with the flow and see what "comes up"...but I like to know at least somewhat what I'm planning to address. *sigh*

I'm not really ready to address the discomfort of T having other clients, so I know I won't bring that up just yet. Of course, it might just be ok to bring it up and see where it takes us...but that feels too scary to me.

I am feeling miserable about life overall, so I'm sure I'll vent about that for a few minutes....maybe I'll bring up group therapy, but I feel kinda awful about how I feel towards that other woman in group. And knowing that she's one of his clients...and during the session, he was treating her with such compassion and understanding - while I'm irritated....blech. Makes me feel like a really bad person for feeling that way. It's not like me at all.

I also have been feeling yucky about my neighbor lately...the guy who violated me a couple years ago. He's finally moving, thankfully...but I'm getting nervous about that. What if him moving doesn't alleviate the YUCK that I feel, or the nervousness I have about being in my own house with him right across the street, always having to watch my back? What if that doesn't go away? It doesn't help that I was talking to him the other day. His mom, one of my good friends, just got a new car. She called me to come outside to check it out, and he was there with a couple of other people. We were admiring the new car, and the guy went into the car and turned on the radio. A song he liked came on - and he knew it was my type of music, and he said, "Oh, I bet MUE would love to go for a drive with me listening to this music!"....I tried to laugh and shrug it off, but yuck. I can't believe how affected I am by something that happened over two years ago...and it could've been a worse incident....I don't know.

Blech. I'm just nervous about today.

[granite1]

jumping in pocket

[inbloom]

((((((MUE))))))) I am sending positive healing thoughts your way. I get nervous and full of anxiety before my sessions too, so I understand. I hope that you can just go in there and that what really *needs* to be discussed will be.

[Suratji]

MUE - I'm the same way - I like to be prepared. I mean, it costs a lot of money and I want our session to be productive. I don't want to have just chit chat. I usually take notes I've written through the week and then I'll pick out what seems to be the most relevant for the moment.

On the other hand, my last session was without notes or preparation. I was just feeling lousy and I did just 'go with the flow'. Amazing how that worked too. hmmm So, I guess there's no hard and fast rule that makes one type of session better than another.

I suspect you already have a topic ready as you've already pointed out in this post. Good luck!

[lastyearisblank]

We were admiring the new car, and the guy went into the car and turned on the radio. A song he liked came on - and he knew it was my type of music, and he said, "Oh, I bet MUE would love to go for a drive with me listening to this music!"..

Ughhhhhhhh.......

(((((((((MUE))))))))))))

[Sannah]

You have some good topics here to share your feelings about in therapy. You are not bad for feeling a certain way towards that woman in group. If you discuss this it most likely will be very helpful to you, to help you uncover some issues to work through.

[Fartraveler]

I can't believe how affected I am by something that happened over two years ago...and it could've been a worse incident....I don't know.

MUE, I often feel so troubled when I read your posts, because I see you minimizing or dismissing your own distress. It sometimes seems like you think you're not allowed to feel bad, that you have to deal competently with whatever bad way anyone treats you. That if you can't, it's your own fault.

Sometimes I wonder if some of your unhappiness comes because you don't let yourself protect you. I know you often write about how the people in your group don't listen to you, and that sux. But also I wonder if the most important person who isn't listening to you is. . .you.

-Far

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Fartraveler

MUE, I often feel so troubled when I read your posts, because I see you minimizing or dismissing your own distress. It sometimes seems like you think you're not allowed to feel bad, that you have to deal competently with whatever bad way anyone treats you. That if you can't, it's your own fault.

Sometimes I wonder if some of your unhappiness comes because you don't let yourself protect you. I know you often write about how the people in your group don't listen to you, and that sux. But also I wonder if the most important person who isn't listening to you is. . .you.

-Far

I want to gently agree with this too.....I feel like there is truth in it for you, MUE. I have done the same to myself, minimized my pain, because it seems small in comparison to someone else's or I think it could have been worse, too. Not acknowledging my pain, dismissing or minimizing it, has kept me from healing for many years; maybe has kept the wounds open instead....
Maybe true, it could have been worse for you.....but that doesn't matter. It could have been much better too....mistreatment is mistreatment, a violation is a violation, trauma is trauma. This incident that happened with that guy, and then what he said now, this is significant trauma, significant pain which you have the right to feel and not dismiss/minimize. You have the right to accept that you have a valid reason for your pain, that you have suffered....listen to what your heart is telling you about your pain, your needs, your need to heal....this can help you heal so much more. I care about you and I'm thinking of you today, too, and hope session goes well!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone, for your replies....

It definitely gives me something to really take in. I appreciate the feedback, as it will help me understand more about myself and my tendencies.

My session with T went well. We mostly talked about my migraines and T was pushing me to take that next step by calling the neurosurgeon. *sigh*

Then, we started talking about my neighbor....and I felt so awful. During the session, I told T that my neighbors eyes just keep following me, even when I close my eyes, they're there. T told me to try to alter the eyes with more kind, loving, caring eyes. I couldn't do it. He said to open my eyes and take in my surroundings....then suggested that I look at his eyes - while saying that he's concerned, he cares, and that he would never intentionally harm me and certainly not physically.

Some strange things happened physically. For one, the anxiety moved from my chest to my stomach. Secondly, my migraine shifted. Weird. I was lightheaded, but that was mainly because my breathing was so shallow which I didn't recognize until T pointed it out.

We didn't delve into working through the whole neigbor thing because that touches on so much more, and T and I didn't want to go there while I am feeling so terrible physically.

After the session, I emailed T telling him how when I am in his office, I know that I can close my eyes and still feel physically safe with him. That is huge for me. To be in a room, with the door closed, alone with a man and be able to close my eyes, knowing and actually FEELING safe is something I don't ever recall experiencing. I told him that it's bittersweet with relief although it brings incredible sadness. And I thanked him for giving that to me.

[WikidPissah]

(((MUE))) Your stuff is BIG and IMPORTANT...not minor in anyway. You deserve to talk and be listened to. You deserve caring feedback and support.

[Sweetlove]

(((((MUE)))))

I just have to start out by saying how thrilled I am for you about your current relationship with your T. A few weeks ago, I felt so horrible for you with that painful email situation and rupture...I really didn't think repairing the relatinoship was going to happen. But, it sounds like your T was very willing to take ownership and continue with the work you started. I know it will take more time to completely trust and get past it, but it sounds like things are definately on their way!

About your session yesterday, I'm sorry you have to deal with your neighbor situation...it sounds very painful. But, I love that your T showed you his eyes and how much I'm sure that symbolized for you. I'm glad you have your T back

[embracinglife]

I'm happy that it went well and that you feel so safe with your T