Lurkers, "Do you feel welcome?"

No, Squiggle, you didn't do anything, and I don't think it's like that. I think this is more like, remember somebody started a thread a while ago, hey what happened to to these folks? This time, people are just feeling more free to express why they haven't been around, and I think that's great. Thanks to you, Squiggle.

Squiggle, you are a really valuable contributor, and the boards would be a lesser place without your posts.

I think what people are expressing here is a reaction to a behavior no matter who does it, so no it's not personal. The reaction is rebellion to feeling controlled which is a universal human response. If someone tries to pull the reins we rear.

This discussion is actually fascinating to me especially coming from AA where in this paradoxical way anarchy is explicitly the rule, and no one can say sod all about what other people say.

How do you have a forum where people get to address one another's posts honestly with all the feelings those posts bring up (even hurt feelings about a so called hijacked post) and not have someone else feel controlled by the expression of those feelings?

Perhaps the ones feeling controlled are just as triggered by someone's expression of hurt feelings as the one posting about hurt feelings, but they respond by not posting (a resumption of lurking) instead of posting back about their their being triggered. In essence, those who resume lurking are allowing themselves to be controlled behaviorally and just building up a resentment about it.

Perhaps the healthier thing to do is to communicate one's feeling of rebellion in a way that owns your own feelings. This is all too abstract. Sample post dialogue:

A: Hey, I feel really ignored since everyone is playing around and not addressing my concern. Please take your playfulness elsewhere.

B: I'm sorry you're feeling hurt, A. But I think many people did address your concern, and by posting it in a public forum, you effectively created a communal sandbox that you don't have any actual control over. So I'm going to continue the interesting, engaging, and productive conversation I'm in with others here, and you can take pleasure in having planted its seed with your OP. Thank you for that.

"Rectification of Names", yes.

Choice of words is very revealing, but requiring others to use your choice is ... (insert your own word here!)

Don’t be afraid of change because it is always necessary for progress.

squiggle..you said it best yourself.

this is a social group..not a scientific one or a medical one...it is a group run by & for non-professionals. i personally did not single you out in my post. it is a feeling i have noticed over time. people ask for help & if they don't all all warm fuzzy "support me with the right answer" responses " then they get all defensive . it' is as tho then no answer is good enough.

look at it this way..

1st there was vanilla ice cream . & it was good.
then someone tripped & berries fell into the mix & thus was born strawberry ice cream. & it was good.
then chocolate, peach, even peanut butter...& so on.

soon baskin robbins was born & it's 31 flavors. it's all ice cream. they still offer vanilla for the purist..but they also have bubble gum & 29 other rotating ones for the adventurous amongst us. because not eveyone is the same. we may all like ice cream but not in the same way.

not every response here has to be serious. not every one has to be funny. sometimes a response can be offered up differently without the sugar coating..

this isn't a cruise ship where we all must agree & be kept happy. i personally just look for the chance to be helpful & then have the same for when i need help. not for when i offer help & be told that "gee you triggered me because you didn't agree with me because you were honest & all agreeing." sorry...that isn't who i am..i just don't nod my head because you want me too.

my style is to read & break things down & offer useful assistance..something beyond "here are 1,000 "s" because i have found while they are nice that doesn't usually translate into real life help.

I've been feeling like there has recently been an overall atmosphere of pressure to conform to rules created not by the moderators, but by individual members who start new threads, and I was getting a little tired of trying to keep track of whose rules I was following or not following. When I found myself searching through older threads before responding, to see if the OP had already posted his or her rules in a previous thread, I decided I didn't need or want to subject myself to that kind of pressure in a support forum. I don't come here to be reprimanded for using the wrong words or phrases, or for using humor, or for straying from the topic slightly in order to address someone else who posted in a particular thread -- I spent much of my life in situations and relationships where I had to suppress my thoughts and feelings, or mask them behind someone else's version of "the correct" way to express them, and when I found myself being subjected to the same kinds of control here, it was time to stop responding.

When I fist joined PC I went away for awhile because I seemed to set someone off right away and I wasn't even sure what I said! So I went away. When I came back, this board seemed way friendlier. If anyone seems to be imposing made-up rules, call them out on it, politely of course but none of us "run" this place. Please let me know if I'm guilty of this, I can take it and adjust my actions!

I was a "Lurker" once, and I have to clarify that I don't mean anything negative by it. Really, there are no differences between regulars and lurkers-- we are usually in flux between the two. To talk about it means needing to give it a name, otherwise it can be confusing. But if anyone if offended I will avoid the term.

It is a fine line--lots of people don't want to post because they feel censored and chastised, others feel attacked or triggered. I'm always trying for the middle ground but that is imperfect too. For what it's worth, I think the boards are a better place with a broad mix of posters, old , new, frequent and infrequent.

I lurked for quite a while, until I read someone's post where she was upset about the number of views of her post with few people replying. I did not realize that people would be concerned about that, or that it might embarrass or upset someone. So I actually registered and responded.

I think overall, this is an incredibly friendly, healthy group, particularly considering we're all here because we have ISSUES! That said, I have been posting less in the last few weeks, and being more and more careful about what I post and in response to whom. There are a few people who just take things so personally, a few who get so possessive of a thread, and a few who are just so self focused, that I am no longer comfortable posting in "their" threads.

And Squiggles, please read this keeping in mind that if I am posting in YOUR thread, discussing the fact that there are people whose threads I am not posting in, then I am NOT talking about you. [And in your head, please hear those words said in the warm and loving tone I intend, K?]

I am grateful to squiggle- always posting good ideas. I would hope that if I was too self focused someone would tell me. I think that is why I don't usually start threads

It's just been one of those weeks I guess. My session was cancelled this week and I thought I was fine. I don't think I am. My emotions are totally out of sorts. Taking more Ativan than I normally do, but I don't think it is helping.

I haven't read that much about others getting offended in threads or having rules. I try to avoid conflict at all cost, so if I don't know someone very well, I won't normally post. Its nothing personal against them, its me. If I know that someone likes to keep things stirred up, I will avoid reading those threads. Everyone has a right to post how they choose. We also have to respect each other as well. That can be tricky sometimes.

One thing I am working diligently on in therapy is NOT taking things so PERSONAL. I am failing miserably. Something like what happened in here today can send me into a major crying spell. Yes, its ridiculous to take it to that extreme, but I do.

I am grateful to those who sent me a PM to encourage me not to let this misunderstanding (or difference in opinions) cause me to stop posting on PC. I still wish that hijackers who come in a thread just to stir things up, would stop doing that. Some people think its funny. Some don't. I try to respect the person who is writing the thread. If I see they are playing along, I may join in. If I notice they are not, then I won't comment.

Again, I apologize to anyone that has gotten upset about anything I have posted. It is never my intent, but I guess I can mess up sometimes.

I too have these types of thoughts. I often wonder if I'm over posting or people are tired of me. I truly rely on the boards and sometimes feel I am being bothersome. Sometimes I don't post on people' s threads because I don't think my 2 cents is worth a flip. So I think we should buddy up. Who wants to be my boundary buddy and tell me when I'm being an *** ?

No pushing in line , there's plenty of room for brutally honest people!

[QUOTE=Squiggle328;

I still wish that hijackers who come in a thread just to stir things up, would stop doing that.
.[/QUOTE]

Perhaps they (we) are not doing that. i rarely find others posting just to stir things up. I do not post just to stir things up, but I do have a very different approach than many on this forum. I do think it is important to see different approaches, even the ones I fully do not understand at all. I think people post because something strikes them and they decide to join in. I have never thought anyone deliberately set out to "hijack" a thread, and if someone does and it takes off, well and good. It could be quite enjoyable or interesting or illuminating or funny. My point here is maybe it would be less distressing if one viewed the varying responses as something other than deliberately stirring things up or hijacking. Who is to say why someone posts and why would anyone want to do so?

You have made your point loud and clear. We will just have to agree to disagree on this.

Okay. But I still might make my point again if I think it is valid.

hey trin, it's always lovely to see you in chat, although i have the same feeling as you here in the forums. i am trying to be open minded to the idea that it is my beliefs that lead me to feeling like I don't belong (which can feel similar to not feeling welcome). my t has told me that he thinks our ability to feel like we belong is directly linked to our ability to trust others. that certainly seems true for me, not sure if it is for you or not. if you want more info on that just give me a yell.

anywho, just wanted you to know that i hear ya and i know it sucks beyond words to be stuck in a life where we aren't welcome anywhere. soul destroying. but there is a way through. i'm not there yet (geez i've barely moved forward at all) but i can see little pieces of evidence that it isn't as hopeless as i thought it was. i really hope you can find your way there too. see ya round

Thanks so much, Stopdog! I have been told I am hijacking when I feel I am just trying to offer a different viewpoint, or express what happened to me. I have been learning that some people consider a thread as "belonging" to the original poster, and others who consider more a group therapy, or group discussion thing.

I always try to be careful if it's clear that a person is asking for advice or support for himself or herself, and stay on topic in those threads. However, in other threads, when it's clearly a group discussion, I've still been chided for being off topic. If it's a group discussion, I never thought of the discussion as "belonging" to the original poster, but it's clear that some people do. Therefore, I have started paying a lot more attention to the original poster, and I personally, feel less welcome to post on those person's threads.

Squiggle
I remember when I first responded in this thread and how grateful to you I was for starting it. I am still grateful for you keeping this going. I think it's necessary from time to time.
I hear you about taking things personally. I am the poster girl! You always made me feel very welcome and accepted here. I wish the same for you.

Thanks, stopdog. I appreciate your support. Thanks for understanding and respecting my issues. Upsetting and triggering others after they have asked you not to seems to really intrique you. Would it make you feel better that you ran me off of PC? This is totally not supportive at all. I hope you are enjoying it. Getting your kicks off of completely tearing me down. That's what PC is for, right? Tear each other down?

Well, congrats to you stopdog. You tore me down. You win. I have no idea who you are or what your issues are. One thing I do know is that I would never go into a thread you started or follow something you posted and deliberatly chip away at you.

You don't know me from Adam. Maybe if you did, you wouldn't have done this.

I know this is from a long time ago but this sentiment is hurtful. This is so much more than a "soapdrama"; this is people's lives. A demeaning comment like that could very well put people off. This forum is much more meaningful and deep than was inferred. (was that the correct word? I always screw that up )

I was never trying to deliberately chip away at you or tear you down. I am sorry you feel this way and I will not participate in threads you start if that will help you.

I think it is helpful to remember that some people may be Aspergers or on the spectrum and may post in a way that seems hurtful because it is less emotional. I have absolutely no idea if this is true of anyone here-- it has just occurred to me because my very bright autistic cousin will sometimes email me things that are insightful but inadvertently blunt.
((not wanting anyone to leave!!))

That's a very valid point! Thank you for bringing that up. I guess one never knows where anyone person is coming from until they know them better.

Wow. I really didn't think that stopdog was deliberately trying to rile you, Squiggle. I didn't get intentional malice from her post at all. I think she was just reserving her right to continue to express her disagreement about the fundamental nature and purpose of these forums. It must really hurt though to think that someone is setting out to needle you or getting kicks from it.

Not a lurker per se, just in this section although I made a deal with myself only look once in a blue moon....

When I tried to post here I got treated bad IMO... This section is not for people like me. It's like a secret tree house club.

If you're not a into psychodynamic therapy, you're not worth much here.

Thanks for the honesty--it's what I was curious about. What makes people read but move on? What would make you feel welcome?