[granite1]

so i went to meet her and at first she was so scary.telling me that this meeting needs to be differnt.anyway i need to calm down and process it and i will write more.but i think she may know what she is doing.

[ECHOES]

[Sannah]

Wow, can't wait to hear about it.

[WePow]

((((((((Granite!)))))))))))

Originally Posted by granite1

i think she may know what she is doing.

Try to trust that.

[SpiritRunner]

(((((((granite))))))))

[learning1]

When you're ready, I can't wait to hear how it went!

[PTSDlovemycats]

Can't wait to hear the story Granite!!

[granite1]

so a lot of this is how i feel because i cant remember everything she said but i do remember the feelings.
i was so scared when sitting in the waiting room.she came down and got me and again the door was closed .BUT she opened it and went in but this time she looked at me and said come on in and smiled.so wasn't so bad as usual BUT
she sat down and said OK what do you want to do ? talk about the letter and read it ,talk about what made you quit.her sternness again terrified me and i couldn't say anything again.but then she again changed.she said that she knows i have a really hard time expressing myself but this meeting needs to be different that she needs to know what went on.she needs to understand how i am seeing things because she is really concerned about what is going on with me and how i am reacting.she said that she sees me wanting to talk.that i take a big breath and open my mouth but she sees nothing comes out.she than said that it is OK but she wants me to just let it come out to just this once take the risk and just let what wants to come out to just come out.and i whispered that she scared me Monday.she didn't freak out or anything she just said i had a hard time hearing you and want to be sure i heard you right did you say i scared you? if so can you tell me how? she said it was very important that she needed to know how i was seeing things.

i really felt like it was important to her.she didn't seem so angry anymore just concerned.she was still talking really loud and asking if i was hearing her.i was able to say everything scared me.how she was talking,how she looked,how she moved and walked.just everything,how it all seemed to changed.and i didn't understand why.she explained to me about projection.explaining that she really isnt the angry,mean,and frustrated person i am seeing her as. she explained that it is important that i not make her into this peoson because then she will be just like everyone else in my life.she made me look at her and kept saying that she isnt this person.that she isnt scary or angry or mean.she than brough up the email stuff.saying that she believes that this is what started this all.

she said that up untill now she had no roules that she allowed me to do whatever i wanted because that was what she felt i needed .after a year and half she said that the emails were no longer helpfull or usefull.that at first the would allow her to learn a little more about me.but i would send e-mails and then come to sesson and not be able to talk about them.she said she wasnt helping me at all with allowing this and that she felt like she was failing me by allowing it to go on.i guess she doesnt have a computer in her office and that is why she didnt always get the e-mails.she need to use other computers.anyway she talked about knowing how doing this and the expectations have totally terrified me but that she knows it is time to take things to a differnt level.that she knows that i will be able to handle itthat it isnt a huge expectation and that i need to trust that it will be ok and if i cant handle it that we will talk about it then.

she said things needed to chang because she really cares about me a lot.she is concerned that she was no longer helping me.she wants me to trust that i can handle this and so can she.that she wants me to see that i can handle this and that the changes are not because i did something horrably wrong but because again she cares about me and she wants to be more helpfull.she kept saying i have done nothing at all wrong and that she wasnt angry and that she cares she has never said anything close to this in all the time she has been working with me.

she said a lot more and i would love to share it if you want me to. i worry that i am rambling. sorry if i am.i'm still kind of in shock over everything.i am trying to trust her she seems so comfident that she knows what she is doing and it is only to help me move foward.

[WePow]

((((((((Granite!))))))))))) WOW !!!! Thank you TONS for sharing this!! All ears to hear more!!!

[Fartraveler]

Thanks for sharing this, Granite.

Yes, keep on.

-Far

[karebear1]

Awww Granite- it does sound as though she is trying so hard to help.

I'm so proud of you for the whispered answer. I have responded in whispered voice many times... and my T heard me! She heard my silence and she heard my whispers. It helped me to understand that she'd hear my voice and my paralizing fear.

If you can Granite, try to allow yourself to believe, even if it's just for a nano second, what she is telling you when she says that she really cares about you. Revel in the feelings you have right now... roll around in them, soak them up and open ever so slightly that door of trust. You don't need to swing it wide open, a crack small enough for you to peek through is all you need.

I'd love to hear more about what she had to say. I'm so thankful that your meeting with her seems to have gone so well. And you should be proud of you! What courage you have to speak when you are so frightened! Good for you Granite!

[rainbow8]

granite, yes please tell us more. It's very important and good that you remember what your T said, and that she cares and is not angry with you. I can see you are very surprised. It will take time for you to process this new information, which really isn't new at all, but I think this is the first time you are feeling it. You are not rambling at all!

[SpiritRunner]

very good, granite!! I'm so glad she told you how much she cares.....and how much she wants to help you.

[granite1]

she said something about the plan but i dont remember what the plan is probibly because any plan to help me talk scares the crap out of me so i hid away and didnt hear her.she also said she hates the fact that she needs to put two expectations on me in such a small peroid of time but that she really feels she needs to do this in order for me to be able to move foward.one was taking away e-mail and the other was that i cant jusk keep quitting.she knows that the idea that i am able to quit any time is a way that i feel safe but she said she cant do T with me this way.she knows it feels like she is taking away my safety net and that i can talk to her about it anytime i want to quit for whatever reason butthat it doesnt help me at all if she allows me to use this as a safty tool and all it does is create a yo yo way of therapy and she says that doesnt work.i also told the other T that i contacted that i do not wish to see her at this time ..i really hope my T knows what she is doing .i am really trying to trust her she just really seemed so honest about how she was feeling and confident that i can trust that she knows what she is doing and knows what is best for me

[mgran]

You know, I think your T does care for you, and she's trying to help you move up a gear. It's scarey I know, but you can do it. Thanks for sharing this with us. (((hug)))

[DelusionsDaily]

granite I am really glad you are trying to work things out with your T. She sounds like she is really trying to help you eventhough she knows it is scary for you. I totally get the not being able to talk cuz I was the same way for about a year...I just started writing it down and reading it to her in session. It still wasn't entirely comfortable but it got things started. I hope things go well for you and T with this new start.

[rainbow8]

WOW, granite. You had options and you chose! That's wonderful. I think you are stronger for calling that other T even though you're choosing to stay with this one.

I think your T knows you are strong, and that you can move to this next level of talking and not emailing. If you trust her, then it WILL happen!! Whispering is all right, as long as she can hear! Hearing that she really cares about you, I think, is going to change everything for the better for you!!! I really do!! You're making me cry, though everything is making me cry these past few days.

[WikidPissah]

I'm really happy for you Granite. Whatever happens, know that we always want the best for you. Now you know for sure that you CAN find another T, but it doesn't sound like you'll need to

[sittingatwatersedge]

Granite I am just now seeing your post. I am smiling and crying at the same time does that make sense?

I wonder if maybe she was talking loud becuase she thought you might be going away (dissociating), and she wanted you to stay with her.

I hope that you will be going back to give thsi a chance - it's obvious she is giving you a lot of thought and that she cares and wants to help.

PS I really liked this!! >> she wants me to trust that i can handle this and so can she

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Granite I am just now seeing your post. I am smiling and crying at the same time does that make sense?

I hope that you will be going back to give thsi a chance - it's obvious she is giving you a lot of thought and that she cares and wants to help.

PS I really liked this!! >> she wants me to trust that i can handle this and so can she

I totally agree!!

[granite1]

i accually slept lastnight .i kind of dont want to go to T next week and worry that i will find none of this was real. anyone ever feel this way

[PTSDlovemycats]

That is great that you got some sleep last night! And yes I have felt that way before but remember Granite this is all for real!

[rainbow8]

I think it will take time to trust what your T told you. Maybe you need to say it over and over or reread this thread about her saying that she cares. Print this thread and read it before your next session if you need to.