MONDAY

Feb 28, 2011, 09:20 AM

OH wow.l

So, I have to do this thing tonight. It is very very very very very scary for me. It's something I have to do, and I just have to keep moving and get through it. But. Wow.

I e-mailed T this weekend because I was in panic attack mode, and he replied "I'm glad we have a session on monday" lol Maybe he will be able to calm me down. Although I'm pretty scared, and I'm a little scared it will make it worse.

I guess I'll go and tell him I just need to feel cared for. He'll let me talk about why I'm scared. Hopefully, I'll leave feeling all filled up with love and safety. I know he knows how important this is...I hope we're both on our game and don't stray into rupture-land.

OMG. Time is crawling.

mixedup_emotions · Feb 28, 2011, 09:22 AM

(((( Tree ))))

Jumping in your pocket today to help you get through this. Big hugs.

SpiritRunner · Feb 28, 2011, 09:31 AM

((((((((tree)))))))) thinking of you lots!

Feb 28, 2011, 11:16 AM

just go and be in T's presence and breathe. Don't think about "rupture-land" or put pressure on yourself AT ALL.

Just be. Take some breaths. Talk if you need to. But don't feel like you have to.

I have something really scary this week too, and it hit me that NO amount of dissecting the situation is going to make it feel comfortable. So I can talk about it and try to understand it if that feels helpful, but I can also just be with myself in the discomfort. And that's okay too.

I'll be thinking about you today. Be kind to yourself.

Sweetlove · Feb 28, 2011, 11:54 AM

((((((Tree)))))))

Thinking of you today and tonight...hoping everything goes well

tarmyg · Feb 28, 2011, 12:57 PM

(((Tree)))
Thinking about you and hoping that all goes well today. Make sure that you get from your session what YOU need to make your "thing" go well tonight. Your T, knowing what you are facing, will know just what to say and do to help you through this.
GO Tree, GO Tree, GO Tree!!!!!!

inbloom · Feb 28, 2011, 01:17 PM

Thinking of you

Suratji · Feb 28, 2011, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffinp

just go and be in T's presence and breathe. Don't think about "rupture-land" or put pressure on yourself AT ALL.

Just be. Take some breaths. Talk if you need to. But don't feel like you have to.

I have something really scary this week too, and it hit me that NO amount of dissecting the situation is going to make it feel comfortable. So I can talk about it and try to understand it if that feels helpful, but I can also just be with myself in the discomfort. And that's okay too.

I'll be thinking about you today. Be kind to yourself.

"just be with myself in the discomfort" - That's excellent advice. I haven't been able to accept the discomfort yet but my T keeps advising me that it's alright to have feelings that are not comforting and to just 'be' with them. good luck Tree

WePow · Feb 28, 2011, 01:46 PM

(((((((((Tree))))))))))) thinking of you!

Feb 28, 2011, 03:41 PM

Tree, thinking of you tonight

Feb 28, 2011, 03:50 PM

Thanks

I saw T. Usually he waits for me to start, but he jumped RIGHT in, asking about tonight. I'm not even sure we did the whole "how are you?" thing.

We talked about it for a long time. My fears, what I'm scared will happen, the best thing that could happen, the worst thing that could happen, all of it.

I started to feel REALLY drifty, and told T I wanted to rest. I thought there was NO way he would let me...because I felt like I really *needed* to stay grown up and present...but I felt like I just couldn't anymore, and he just sat quietly and let me go. He murmured at me a couple of times, but I don't know what he said, because he was FAR AWAY.

Somehow he ended up next to me on the couch. I remember looking into his eyes and asking about putting things in my closet (my closet inside). Could I put parts of my story in there, parts of me in there, and shut the door so that I'm just left with grown up me and the parts of my story that are kind of "safer" than others? And he said yes. He asked what I needed in there. Did I need a box? Did I want a pillow or a blanket? But I just needed a big pile of my crap on one side of the closet, and all of the parts of me that needed put away on the other side of the closet, and just a lot of big, safe DARKNESS. So. That's what we did.

I asked for something from his office and he let me pick something to take, so I did that. I like what I picked

And really, when I left, I felt grown up and present again. There have been some things pushing at me that were going to make tonight even harder than it would be otherwise, and I feel like I really do have them put away. Not forever, but for right now, when I need them to be put away.

T asked what time this is happening tonight, and I told him, and he said that he was going to be thinking about me and sending positive energy right then. I asked him if he would forget and he said there is no way he would forget. And he asked me to call him before and after to tell him how it goes. And he's going to leave me a message to listen to before I go.

So. I think I've done everything I can. Now I just have to get through it.

I see T again on Friday. I really really really hope I'm okay after this.

granite1 · Feb 28, 2011, 03:52 PM

lots of love tree i wish it to all go well

Sweetlove · Feb 28, 2011, 05:32 PM

I love your T..he really takes care of you

I think it's so great that he let you take something from his office, and that he wants to talk to you before and after....he really REALLY cares!

I hope tonight isn't as bad as you're prepared for...I'm sure you will use your T if you need him. Lots of luck

inbloom · Feb 28, 2011, 06:29 PM

Glad it went so well Tree, and that you have a T that takes care of you in such an amazing way. Come back and tell us how things go......ok?? I will be sending positive thoughts out to you as well.

Feb 28, 2011, 10:30 PM

Just reporting that I survived. T left me such a good voice mail and made me really believe that it was going to be okay, and it was. It was scary and hard, but I did it.

I would give just about anything to talk to T right now. I left him a message afterwards because he asked me to, but I just want to hear his reaction. I have such a parental transference towards him sometimes, and I just need to hear him tell me that he's proud of me.

I asked him to call on his way in to work tomorrow and I'm sure he will, so I just have to be patient.

I never ever ever ever EVER EVER could have done what I did tonight without all of the work I've done in therapy. No. Way. And seeing T today and putting everything I needed to into my closet was just what needed to happen. I love that T trusts me to know what I need, even when I don't really believe I know. Because him letting me drift ended up being just the right thing to do.

ANYHOW, I am so so so relieved. SO relieved. I did it.

mixedup_emotions · Feb 28, 2011, 10:44 PM

OH how AWESOME, Tree....I am so relieved for you.....(((((( BIG BIG BIG HUGS ))))))

SpiritRunner · Feb 28, 2011, 10:48 PM

I'm relieved that you are relieved and so glad you are safely through!

Mar 01, 2011, 12:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by treehouse

I would give just about anything to talk to T right now. I left him a message afterwards because he asked me to, but I just want to hear his reaction. I have such a parental transference towards him sometimes, and I just need to hear him tell me that he's proud of me.

Look! I'm quoting myself and replying to myself

T just e-mailed me and said "I am so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!" (with all of those exclamation marks) and that we can talk on the phone tomorrow between 12 and 1.

I didn't ask for him to tell me he's proud of me, but he DID. And that's what I needed.

THAT feels good

Sweetlove · Mar 01, 2011, 12:44 AM

That is so amazing Tree! I'm happy you got through your tough night AND you got such awesome support from your T. Is your T for real? LOL

Sometimes we are proud of ourselves, but just need to hear it from someone else...I'm glad you got that and you deserve every bit

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 01, 2011, 01:45 AM

YAY Tree!!!!!!!!!

I think that all of us are pretty proud of you!

WAY TO GO!

darkrunner · Mar 01, 2011, 06:23 AM

((((((((((((Treehouse)))))))))))))

SO proud of you!!!!! You've worked so hard and grown SO much.

I'm glad T was there for you, in every way.

elliemay · Mar 01, 2011, 06:35 AM

I'm so glad everything went okay and your therapist was there to help you through it.

Parental transference can be a really good thing I think.

he's proud of you, I hope you are proud of yourself, and I am proud for you.

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 01, 2011, 06:51 AM

Yea Tree I just want to add that I think your T is pretty damn awesome! I am always amazed at the stories about your therapy sessions and always enjoy reading them! Keep up the great work Tree!!

inbloom · Mar 01, 2011, 03:24 PM

Glad that it went well!

rainbow8 · Mar 01, 2011, 06:43 PM

Yes, I think your T would win the "best T in the world" award!!! I'm SO glad you got through it with his help, but you know that YOU did it by yourself too. If that makes any sense.

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