“Don’t upset yourself”

This is what my mother and grandmother used to say to me. Maybe it was that my feelings were always too big, too incongruous with what had actually happened, because I was born without an emotional skin to protect me. Or maybe it was that they couldn’t deal with my feelings, couldn’t help me contain them. It meant your feelings make no sense. It meant shut up and deal with your feelings yourself. It meant don’t upset me. They said it when I was 12 years old and depressed. And when I was 13 years old and suicidal. I took away from my childhood the belief that my feelings could not be validated and no one could contain me or help me contain myself.

When I was young I had invasive medical treatment instigated by my parents and related to puberty. A few years later as a young teenager in an inpatient unit, I was pushed and pushed to talk about it. The staff had a habit of rubbishing my history and my feelings, and fearing that if I said what actually happened it wouldn’t be ‘enough’, I ended up making false allegations of sexual abuse. This lead to a nightmare chain of events that got me taken away from my family etc etc. T and I had agreed that today I would try to tell the story of what actually happened. The history of the previous attempt to tell, as well as the trauma of the original events, meant that this was always going to be hard.

As it happened, today was a day from hell. Such a tough day on placement and by the end I had a splitting headache. I was sick with anxiety about therapy and by the time I went in I was really dissociated. It felt like the whole world was spinning. We did some grounding. I tried to talk. I remember at one point I was somehow standing there in my underwear, literally acting out what had happened because I didn’t have the words. T talked me back down and into my clothes and I sat down and we talked a bit more.

And then it was nearly the end and I tried to express how sad it felt that here was somebody who would have handled it so differently if she had been my mother, but after this brief time together she was going home to be someone else’s mother, and I was going home to be alone. And T’s response was

Don’t upset yourself.

And the words tipped a bucket of ice water over my head and froze my heart. Today I needed T to be different from my mother, who couldn’t help me cope with or contain my feelings. And different from the psychiatrist, who I feared would see my feelings as me being upset over nothing. And in the end she was just the same. I hoped for healing today, but what made me brave enough to try was believing that at the very least, nothing that happened could make the shame and confusion worse. But it did.

[SpiritRunner]

I am so sorry for the painful, difficult day you had and I am so sorry for the mistreatment and misunderstanding you suffered as a teenager. So sorry for the invalidation of your feelings then, which were real and deserved validation; so sorry for the love and comfort and help that was not there for you when that's what you needed.
And I'm sorry that T said the very words that were/are the trigger of so much hurt for you, words that feel like invalidation of your feelings. I'm sure she didn't want for that to be your experience from them, that she wanted to help you cope with and contain the feelings.....but I can see how those particular words wouldn't help you do that.
But I will say this.....you are not upsetting yourself over nothing. You suffered a very real and deep trauma, you were hurt, you are feeling hurt now, and you have the right to be upset, to feel hurt. It's OK to have the big feelings and it's OK to feel them. It's OK to believe that you will come through this hurt, these feelings, and heal from them, too.....
You are doing good, hard work. I know it hurts and I will be thinking of you!

[WePow]

((((((((((Improving))))))))))))))

WOW! I am so sorry that happened to you!!! If your T knows that is a trigger phrase, I am certain it was not tossed out to harm you. If anything, T may have confused it and thought the phrase was the one thing that gave you comfort. ???

Either way, wow. That hurts hard. Find a way to bring it up to T. If you have the ability to call T, this would be a situation when a call was in order. You should NOT sit on this until next session. Big hugs to you!

[inbloom]

Oh my goodness, Improving! I am SO SO sorry that this happened! I agree that you should REALLY call your T. I am sure that she is totally unaware of how triggered you were/are by what she said, and that she would want to help you to understand and to process through it.

I fully agree with WePow that you should NOT sit on this until next session. Your T is NOT your mother. She DOES care about you! Please reach out so that she has a chance to clarify things for you.

[Sweetlove]

((((((Improving)))))))

I'm sorry your T triggered you...ususally we can trust that T's know our triggers, but sometimes they make mistakes too. I hope she knows she upset you. It was such a hard thing to talk about, I'm sure it took so much work and courage to finally be able to tell the story, and it was almost like hitting a wall after running full speed ahead.
That is the worst.

I hope you talk to your T tonight and resolve some of the hurt...thinking of you

I am so sorry you went through that.

I think the statement "don't upset yourself" is triggering no matter what your history is because it implies you are making yourself upset--rather than acknowledging there's a valid reason for feeling upset.

I hope you can talk with your T about it soon.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by griffinp

I think the statement "don't upset yourself" is triggering no matter what your history is because it implies you are making yourself upset--rather than acknowledging there's a valid reason for feeling upset.

Absolutely! I totally agree!

(((((((((((((improving))))))))))))))

There are a few phrases that are SUPER triggering to me, and T has used them before, totally innocently, not knowing they were triggers - but they sent me right to the place of shame, and of shutting down, and of self-hate and a bunch of other awful things. I am so so so sorry that happened to you, especially at the end of such a hard day, and a hard session, and such hard memories.

Please call your T. She cares about you, and wants to know if you are triggered.

Sending you SO many hugs. Your feelings are real, and valid, and RIGHT. Truly, truly, truly.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( HUGS )))

That is SO not what you needed to hear. I can understand how you could be upset by that statement, especially since you have such a strong connection to it. I hope you can give T the opportunity to know and understand what you're feeling, and to help work through it. Words can be so powerful, and each person's perception can be different. Your T may very well have had better intentions, but it came off as not only triggery for you in particular, but also somewhat dismissive.

Bless you all. Just knowing that you understand how huge this felt has been so helpful. A massive welcome antidote to what she said.

T and I texted last night. I wasn't able to explain I'd been triggered, but she explained a bit about why she said that. She said for her it was about managing time at the end, when the other wretched T had already tried to come in, and she wanted us to focus on me being ok, not on another upsetting issue (her daughter). Of course to me it wasn't an abrupt change of subject, it was expressing the sadness of the thread that ran through the whole session, that my mother didn't protect or help me, and it was natural that it should overflow at the end when I came face to face with the fact that T wasn't my mother, and was leaving.

She also told me that her reaction to the story was 'a very intense feeling that is hard to find the words for', and that she felt awful for me. I think maybe the whole session was quite tough on her too, and perhaps she panicked a bit when she realised it was nearing the end and I was practically naked and very distressed, and she just wanted to get the lid back on it all. Perhaps she was anxious that the other T would see that she'd let things get 'out of control'? I also wonder whether- a bit like my mother?- the fact that T loves me makes it harder to do work like this, because she doesn't want to see me in pain. And that was just a misguided phrase reflecting how much she wants me to be ok.

T had no way of knowing what a triggering phrase that is for me. I guess we're in an unusual position because we've been working together for two years, but doing DBT, which deliberately does not allow you to talk about the past. And here we are suddenly doing this fairly formal 'history taking' for schema therapy, which feels like telling the whole story all in one breath. I guess it's more usual for the story to emerge organically over the course of therapy. I need to be more forgiving- it's so easy to forget that T- who knows me inside out- does not know so many basic facts about my past.

Ugh, I don't know. I can see that all of these factors contributed, and I need to put it to one side- with all the anger and SHAME and rejection and distance it created- and just stay close to T right now. Yesterday was huge, and I need T. We can't address it immediately as our phonecall is on Mondays. But I hope I can address it on Monday, because it is too damaging a message to take away from therapy.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Improving- Wow, it sounds like you had quite the intense session. I am sorry that you ended up so raw and exposed like that. I am sure that you guys will be able to fix this. I am sure your T did not do this intentionally and as you said didn't think that that would be triggering for you. Wishing you all the best in your therapeutic journey on the road to better mental health.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Improving ))))

I'm glad you and your T texted and that you were able to at least get a little bit out of the exchange. I'm glad you're facing this, as it's an example of your strength and work towards getting your needs met. That, in itself, is huge.

[SpiritRunner]

I'm glad you had contact with T; it seems that it helped at least a little!
I think you are right about the effect of the change in therapy method.....it does sound rather a dramatic, overwhelming change to do therapy that doesn't delve into background details so much and then in one swoop, like reversing course in a way, telling a hard story like this. Wow. I think it would take my breath away and seriously rock me too.
I think it's also true that if your T has intense feelings of deep care/love toward you that it affects how well she handles your outpouring of raw pain and how objective her immediate response is. I'm sure it was tough for her. But I think it will be healing for you on a deep level in working through this with a T who does love you....

[Sannah]

Improving, sounds like you are doing good work. I'm really sorry that that happened. I'll bet that you 2 will work it out. Keep us posted?