[Abby]

I have been quite depressed for a while now. My GP has signed me off work for a few weeks because she felt it wouldn't be fair if I said/did something whilst I was ill that caused me to lose my job. I know it was a good decision that we made together but I feel I've been left in no-mans land. I've never had space before, I've always just pushed and pushed myself because there hasn't been any other choice. I thought the space would help me feel better but it's not, if anything I feel more confused and lost.

My therapist has been supportive during all of this but I think I'm feeling really angry at her. I am grateful that everyone is trying to help me but it is as though noone has thought about how the space may effect me negatively. I literally do not know what to do with myself...I have no energy to interact with anyone (including family) so I'm just staying in bed sleeping away time. At the moment I don't see how this is helpful. I know I *should* get up and do something but I've lost the will power to push myself. I'm not good at doing things if I don't *have* to do them.

Recently I've been trying to tell my therapist about the pain and I know she hears me as she has advised I go to the GP etc...but I feel lost. I feel everything is black right now. I don't really want to go back for another session and talk about the same thing I've been saying over and over for 2yrs.

I'm not sure what I'm saying, or if this is even the right sub-forum. I can't seem to find my words.

It sounds like maybe you're feeling worse because of all the "should" statements that are going through your mind....I shouldn't be in bed. I should be doing something, etc.

What if you gave yourself permission to rest and heal?

Or maybe it would be helpful if your T helped you develop a plan....sort of a map out of the darkness? Can you ask for that?

Be gentle with yourself.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((( Abby )))))))))))))))))))

do you have (or can you borrow) a dog you could take for a walk, maybe to a park where three is a lake or a river? It would get you out into the open air and sunshine; you wouldn't have to talk to anyone.. One small step.... please let us know how you go

[Sannah]

Can you talk to your therapist about how this space is causing you problems?

[mixedup_emotions]

You've touched on a fear of mine as well. I am supposed to have neck surgery - but the idea of being off from work scares me as it leaves me with so much time on my hands....and I fear sinking into a deep depression.

I know that I am at my lowest points when I'm alone at home for a length of time. Most of last summer, my daughter was at her cousin's house - and that's when I battled depression the most.

So, I understand where you are - and it's an awful place to be.

Even though it's the last thing you want to do, doing SOMETHING...ANYTHING....will help even just a teeny bit. You need to dig your way out of this slowly. Even without the willpower, just forcing yourself to do it. It sux, big time, but allowing yourself to stay where you are will only make things darker....

I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now....

[Abby]

Thanks. Actually the 'should' statements were in anticipation of what I felt others may tell me to do rather than what I'm telling myself. At the moment I am indulging in self pity quite a bit and not getting out of bed if I really don't have to. I'm trying to do little things though like going for a coffee and going to the evening class I do etc just to keep myself ticking over so it isn't a complete massive shock when I go back to work in a wk or two. That is what I dread the most, going from allowing myself space to having to go back to being really strict with myself again.

I'm really not doing well in therapy. I've been numb for the last few days so when I went to therapy I had nothing to say because I felt nothing. This always makes her want to talk about how it feels for me when we can't connect etc because it is a big difference from when we do connect etc. But it is seriously pointless talking to me about my feeling of connection to her when I'm not connected to my feelings!....although needless to say I finally connected with my feelings after 50mins of that dribble as I just got plain angry at her!! So now I'm angry and depressed which is a bad combination.

I dunno, I know I shouldn't be angry at her, it isn't her fault I feel this way and she is trying to help. I hate feelings.

[Sannah]

Could you talk in therapy about what happened before you went numb?

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Could you talk in therapy about what happened before you went numb?

Sannah I am so sad, i'm numbing myself and sleeping to stop myself having to fully be aware of every single hour of life. I could have talked about that but it is hard when you are numb to remember anything...sometimes I forget how to talk! I can be like an empty shell, i'm sure my eyes show how dead I am inside. I'm almost glad I had an evening of anger now as its proved to me I'm still living and I can feel passionate about something. I want to wish away time, but I don't know when I really want to wake up right now....or if I ever really do. Therapist is gone now till next week...it's silly but I'd quite like a hug and for someone to be with...someone that is empty and doesn't push themselves onto me.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I'd quite like a hug and for someone to be with...someone that is empty and doesn't push themselves onto me.

[SpiritRunner]

((((((abby))))))

[SophiaG]

Please try to make an appointment with your GP. Maybe if you had a med change it would help how you feel. Feel better soon Abby.

[Abby]

Thank you.

I do not feel tonight as though there is any solution. I've been told in therapy to be honest so that is what i'm doing here. No dressing up, no pretending....the end of the week seems like a horrid collision in my mind.

I will let you know how the honesty/anger front goes (if anyone is bothered that is).....I feel within a week I'll be told to leave therapy. That I'm too bad for therapy.....but she asked for anger so that is what I will give her....I have enough of it inside. She wants the anger...or as she calls it 'energy'..!!! I'll give her it. She has no *** idea what she has let herself in for. I've shown....mmm...maybe a 5th of my anger so far. I'd almost feel sorry for her if I wasn't so darn angry! haha.

And yes i'm scared stiff of rejection, i'm scared stiff she'll use some rule book i don't know of to reject me somehow. But I know I've worried all this to her already so if she does reject me I know, fully, that she is a liar.

Funny thing is, I actually trust her. Funny that isn't it?! Does it make me feel better - no. But I do trust her.

[inbloom]

(((((Abby))))) I hope that you are able to be honest with your T and express any emotion that you need to in as intense a way as you need too. T's are trained to deal with intense, crazy emotion, and so I would bet that she will be able to handle your anger!

In terms of all the other ways that you have been feeling, it just sounds like really bad depression, which I have struggled with myself. Are you on meds? If so, could you check into a dosing switch or maybe try something else?

For me, when my depression gets really bad, talk therapy is just completely pointless until I can get meds working. It's like, I actually get to a point where I'm even too depressed to talk or absorb what is being said.

Either way, I hope that you are able to connect with your T and get some help that you find to be useful right now.