but WHY??

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 07, 2011, 02:14 AM

Why? why? why?
A few months ago T told me that I had to stop asking "Why" and "But..why??" all the time. She said the reasoning for this is because when you ask a question or someone responds to something and they give an explanation they have given enough reasoning. No there is no need to question it because really, you don't need to know. She said that when I continously ask "why?" I sound like a 2 or 3yr old. So I tried VERY hard not to say why anymore. Today T said something and I said "how come?" her response was to look at me and say "Cats, you do realise that the equivilant of "how come" is "why" don't you?" I just answered with. "oh" We discussed before why I felt the need to ask "why" all the time and the reasoning behind it is because when I was young I always asked "why" but was always met with disappointment as I was never given any answers. So she says that it is just my "stuck developmental part" trying to develop itself. So after I answered with "oh" I told her that I had been working hard on not asking her "why" all the time. Her response "Well, that's really good Cats, but you still don't listen very well do you? I don't know how many times I have had to repeat myself and tell you that you have a lot of developmental issues..." Great.

Thanks T!. The sad part is that with as many times that she has repeated that, I still couldn't tell you what any of them are! YIKES!

Mar 07, 2011, 02:42 AM

I've struggled with this some myself!!

I, and my younger parts, often have asked my T "why" or "how come". Most often she says, "Well, it just is what it is, I don't question it".

Dang... I/we do!!! We come from very insecure attachment bases. We didn't get the luxury of just being able to take things as they are. We were raised to be suspicious and questioning. Finally, we find someone safe enough to ask "why" to (in regard to relationship) and it's not that she says "don't ask", but that I don't *need* to ask. It just is.

Yeah... I can't say it's not frustrating.

((((PTSD))))

karebear1 · Mar 07, 2011, 03:22 AM

Well, you can ask why and how come around here anytime Cats. It doesn't bother us at all!

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 07, 2011, 03:23 AM

You are so right about the attachment issue! I didn't think about that but it is true, I did not have a secure attachment. I had the anxious attachment. These are probably closely linked to each other right?

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 07, 2011, 03:26 AM

Awe thanks Karebear1! Why? -just kidding!

lastyearisblank · Mar 07, 2011, 03:30 AM

I am also a big "why" asker. I think it adds spice to life to know the reason.

Your t is not answering the "why" about the developmental issues because it doesn't go any deeper than that.. she has no answer. There is no such thing as a list of developmental issues where you can have 3 out of 5 of them, or something (I promise she is not keeping this secret from you). It is a euphemism just like "anxiously attached." And I think it just means having attachment stuff to work out, as do we all.

Hope this helps!

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 07, 2011, 04:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

I am also a big "why" asker. I think it adds spice to life to know the reason.

Your t is not answering the "why" about the developmental issues because it doesn't go any deeper than that.. she has no answer. There is no such thing as a list of developmental issues where you can have 3 out of 5 of them, or something (I promise she is not keeping this secret from you). It is a euphemism just like "anxiously attached." And I think it just means having attachment stuff to work out, as do we all.

Hope this helps!

Thanks, I guess it isn't so much developmental issues as much as completing developmental stages. As for the attachment stuff that would have to do with having an insecure attachment. The anxious-ambivilant one.

lastyearisblank · Mar 07, 2011, 04:53 AM

Yup! That is the one where people often feel insecure and ask for reassurance. Maybe that is why she thinks you keep asking "why." But see that is why it is not my favorite term, because anyone who is told they have development issues, is going to want more reassurance!

Sannah · Mar 07, 2011, 12:11 PM

Does understanding something completely help you to feel safer?

karebear1 · Mar 07, 2011, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

Awe thanks Karebear1! Why? -just kidding!

just because.

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 07, 2011, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Yup! That is the one where people often feel insecure and ask for reassurance. Maybe that is why she thinks you keep asking "why." But see that is why it is not my favorite term, because anyone who is told they have development issues, is going to want more reassurance!

Lastyearisblank. thanks so much, and I can understand your reasoning for not having that as your favorite term!

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 07, 2011, 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Does understanding something completely help you to feel safer?

Actually I think that it does help me feel safer, not completely though. Why do you ask?

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 07, 2011, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by karebear1

just because.

But why? Because why?

mgran · Mar 07, 2011, 03:16 PM

Well, I'm not a therapist, but I must say I'm really surprised she would have a problem with someone asking "why?"

One of the worst things that ever happens to us as we grow up (assuming we grow up "normal") is that we lose our desire to understand everything around us. I consider finding out the why of everything one of the most important things in life. If I hadn't kept asking "why" I would have believed my hallucinations and paranoia, and never got around to telling my doctor what was really happening... and God knows where I'd be now.

I've got to say, constantly questioning, so long as you're prepared to accept an answer, is a very healthy way to approach life.

But like I say... I'm not a therapist.

Dr.Muffin · Mar 07, 2011, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mgran

Well, I'm not a therapist, but I must say I'm really surprised she would have a problem with someone asking "why?"

One of the worst things that ever happens to us as we grow up (assuming we grow up "normal") is that we lose our desire to understand everything around us. I consider finding out the why of everything one of the most important things in life. If I hadn't kept asking "why" I would have believed my hallucinations and paranoia, and never got around to telling my doctor what was really happening... and God knows where I'd be now.

I've got to say, constantly questioning, so long as you're prepared to accept an answer, is a very healthy way to approach life.

But like I say... I'm not a therapist.

now THAT is the key part! and the other part is, are you prepared to accept that there is no answer?

im of the mind that therapy's goal is not necessarily to relieve anxiety. anxiety is a part of life. i think the goal is to help people to be more comfortable living with the anxiety....

if someone asks why and the answer is, that's just the way it is, can they accept that? i know very very few people for whom that would be acceptable....even if that is the only answer available

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 07, 2011, 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

if someone asks why and the answer is, that's just the way it is, can they accept that? i know very very few people for whom that would be acceptable....even if that is the only answer available

For me not so much...

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 07, 2011, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mgran

Well, I'm not a therapist, but I must say I'm really surprised she would have a problem with someone asking "why?"

One of the worst things that ever happens to us as we grow up (assuming we grow up "normal") is that we lose our desire to understand everything around us. I consider finding out the why of everything one of the most important things in life. If I hadn't kept asking "why" I would have believed my hallucinations and paranoia, and never got around to telling my doctor what was really happening... and God knows where I'd be now.

I've got to say, constantly questioning, so long as you're prepared to accept an answer, is a very healthy way to approach life.

But like I say... I'm not a therapist.

Thanks I can see your point. I don't think it is so much stopping saying "why" to everything as you wrote in your post there will always be some very valid things that need to be questioned. Thanks!

Sannah · Mar 08, 2011, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

Actually I think that it does help me feel safer, not completely though. Why do you ask?

I ask because for me understanding why I do something is incredibly valuable. Is it this way for you?

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 08, 2011, 07:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

I ask because for me understanding why I do something is incredibly valuable. Is it this way for you?

Yes, I think so.

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 09, 2011, 02:55 AM

I guess now I am wondering when will I not feel the need to ask "why" anymore? Or atleast not so often??

Sannah · Mar 09, 2011, 04:15 PM

Do you understand why you are doing it?

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 09, 2011, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you understand why you are doing it?

Not really...

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 09, 2011, 04:32 PM

So I saw T today and AGAIN she said "Cats, you really need to work on asking "why" less" She said that asking "why" can come across as defensive and that a lot of the time the answer or reasoning behind the question will not give a satisfying enough answer. She said that little kids ask why all the time, not adults. She said it is also becasue I am not fully grown. Physically I am but she said that emotionally, my emotional growth is still that of a young child. Ugh. So then when it was time to go she said "Alright time to go" and I said "How come?" and she said "There's that question again only you are re-phrasing it now, and you KNOW the answer to the question" Really I was just kind of surprised because I knew that her next patient wasn't there yet and usually she will give me extra time if the next patient is late. Apparently not today...

PTSDlovemycats · Mar 10, 2011, 02:49 AM

Does anyone else think that asking "why" puts people on the defensive side??

venusss · Mar 10, 2011, 02:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

Does anyone else think that asking "why" puts people on the defensive side??

It may, especially when you are questioning trivial things or sound advice. Or some rules (not saying those can't be quesitoned...but having a good counterargument is better than mere "why?").

Are you asking because you want to know the answer... or is that more of self-defense mechanism?

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