Getting the most out of Sessions

I've been thinking about this stuff for a while and putting together my thoughts in this post may help me out (along with others). I want to share what I am finding are things which allow me to get the very most out of each session. I am sure these ideas are out there in the ethers, but I want to do it myself here and now.

1) Remember you are the customer.

This sounds simple, but it will help you to keep on track with your healing. You are going to an expert in order to obtain mental health healing.

This one simple point can help you reclaim your sense of balance within the therapy relationship. Sometimes it is hard on us when in the throws of the T relationship and we feel the T pull away at the end of sessions, or when they take too long to return an email or phone call. It feels like T has all the power in the relationship.

The truth is, we have the most power. A T can't just walk out on us. There are ethics behind this and even though they can terminate clients and refer them to someone else, they legally and ethically can't just look at us one day and say "You know, I hate you. I don't ever want to see you again as long as I live." But we can do that with our T.

2. Honor the Relationship

Even though we are the customer, the T is a human too. They are as human as our dentist or our clergy. They are moms and dads. Many of them are survivors of trauma. They are clients of other Ts.

Even though the relationship is going to focus on us as the client, always keep in mind that the person in the nice chair is a fellow human. They are flesh and blood. They can feel pain and feel joy.

Remember that even when T can't tell us they think about us, the truth is that Ts do think about clients outside the office. They will see something come up on TV or read an article and thing "Oh, that is a good point! I need to keep that in mind when working with so-and-so!"

Show common human courtesy. It is good to be honest with your T - my next point - but do it without attacking T. Ts will put up with a lot more than your dentist will. If you were to kick your dentist in the shins when they accidentally hit a sensitive part of your tooth while drilling, I suspect your dentist would tell you to go find someone else to fix your choppers. But session after session, Ts take on the transference of their clients. They do expect this, but that doesn't give us an excuse to not behave in a civil manner. If you want to get the most mileage out of your therapy hour, try very hard to treat your T with the same dignity you would treat your dentist T is not a personal emotional punching bag. They are a professional human who will walk with us on our journey into healing.

3. Be HONEST

"Therapy done right is hard. The only thing harder is not doing therapy when it is needed." A retired psychologist Ph.D. friend of mine told me this once.

When we are on-the-clock, it is time for us to get to work. It is time to put on the paper-gown and allow our T to see who we really are.

Spending 2 min of every 5 min in angry stuffed silence burrowing a hole through the T's floor is not hurting our T. They are there for the full session regardless of what we do inside that time. The loss is our own.

Now it is hard to open up and use every single min of therapy time in the best way. And sometimes being silent is presenting honestly our emotions. There was one session when I spent ten whole min in silent eye contact with my T. It was not a staring contest. It was me allowing him to see deep into my heart and eyes the deepest pain that just didn't have any words.

The difference here is in how we use our silence in sessions. If we go into the session and spend half the time running around the office in our clothes saying "No! I won't put on the paper gown!" - well, the doctor has to sit there and just wait for us to do what we need to do. They aren't going to yell at us. They will just wait.

Keep in mind that you are spending your time and money on expert medical advice. In order to get the most bang for your buck, work hard on being able to be an open book with your T. Lies and running away from the truth are defense mechanisms. And your T will help you through those. But try hard to do your own part by being honest even about the avoidance. "I am sorry, but putting on a paper gown just bothers me a ton. I won't run around the office now. But I will sit here in my suit and talk with you about why it bothers me."

4. Trust

Finally, this is something that will bring the most quality into your session time. Your T is not there to harm you. There are a few bad apples out there, but they are the exception and not the rule.

If you think your T is not being ethical about something big, bring it up to another T and go from there.

But for the most part, Ts can be trusted. This doesn't mean they won't hit a nerve every now and then - back to therapy is painful. But their hearts are in their profession. They are Ts because they want others to heal. Being a T isn't something they put down at the end of the day. They love people at the core part of themselves. This is just who they are.

Trust that your T wants to help you heal.
Trust that your T will behave ethically and professionally.

With just those two things, you can combat a lot of internal agony that comes up in the course of therapy. If T takes three days to return your phone call, you will not waist energy thinking "T hates me!" You will know "T wants to help me heal." T may have missed your call or may have been (gawd forbid!) a human and just forgot! But the trust is still there that T does want to help you heal.

In order to get the most out of therapy, the trust needs to be there. Use the skill of being honest in session to help build up this trust. "You know, sitting in this paper gown makes me freeze! I can't stand to be cold!"

Ohhh! Well, perhaps there is a way to bring in a space heater to allow you a bit more comfort?

The doctor / expert / T is not there to make your life harder than it already is. They are there to help you heal. But it is your job to allow them to do so.

These are really good thoughts WePow. I especially like the last part about trust. When you said "Your T is not there to harm you" it made me think of a time when I was really resisting something T was asking me to consider. After many session going back and forth about the subject, she finally looked at me and said , "Your treating me as if I were the enemy." Those words hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized she had a valid point. We voluntarily (for the most part) go to T because we know we need help. We signed up for it. We make the appointments and drive ourselves there. Why do we fight it so much?

I really appreciate what you wrote (and so will my T) because I think it's really kinda just bumped me up into the honest, real world of accepting the help I get from T. I can't explain why- but things really seemed to have clicked for me right now and I feel like I could go to T next week and really just absorb things I have been resisting for a long time now. Thanks for posting your thoughts WePow- they really helped me out.

Those are great, very insightful points. It's the way to do therapy. It's the way to heal.

Along the lines of "Be honest" is something I've learned and that is "lean into the discomfort".

Like you said, therapy hurts, but I sometimes think it must hurt for a plant to flower - yet look at the results.

Remember you are the customer.

That is what makes it so hard when they don't return phone calls or e-mails. Those boundaries they set and change without talking about it at all makes therapy a very difficult process.

Wow, thank you! As I was reading this, I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, this is my own T on PC writing this to me" cause #4 is what I've been working on.

wepow just amazing and thank you i really am going to print this out and keep it in my journal to read over and over again it is all so insightfull and helps me remember things that are hard for me to see and feel like the trust and stuff.thanks

Thank you all for the feedbackk and for reading my thoughts.
It is empowering when we realize that therapy belongs to us.
It is OK and GOOD and HEALTHY to be involved in therapy and heal in these ways.
I am printing this off too so I can remind myself!!

Mental wellness is our RIGHT!
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My first thought is to say "this is the ideal case". It requires a strong client. Sometimes that is not the case -- a client who can (at least in the beginning) deal with big difficulties. Then it depends more on the skill, or correct techniques, the insight of the therapist. Sometimes they don't match what the client needs, good intentions to the contrary notwithstanding. If the T's abilities are not sufficient, the client may think it is her fault that the therapy is not working. And a destructive spiral may take place.

FWIW.

WePow - great list! One of the things I struggle with though in order to "get the most out of a session", is trying to determine what to address in that 50 minute time slot. All week long I will make notes and make lists and try to prioritize but sometimes it's just too confusing. Life is so complicated and I want my session to be highly productive, efficient and I want to understand that some progress is being made. But I'm still not sure how to do that. Writing this now makes me realize that I should ask T what to do to be sure session will be focused on the most important topic. But, then again, she does tease me about being too analytical.

Great list WePow. Thank you for posting.

This is so good to know for everyone, eveen for someone who isn't strong enough to use them yet. They'll get there eventually.

[quote=WePow;
Mental wellness is our RIGHT!
+ =[/quote]

WePow!!
I think that is one of the best fomulas that I have ever seen WePow.
I also want to say that I think that your initial post in this thread is incredible, amazing, wonderful, beautiful, informative, and motivational. THANKS WEPOW!! Cats.

Wepow thanks for the original post. It really hits home right now with everything thats going on. Because I truly believe that the only reason the pain is happening is because I started getting really honest about the REAL issues. otherwise I avoid feeling and in that avoid the pain inherent in quality therapy. I did that very thing this past year until about 1 month ago. anyway thanks.

I agree with so much of this. Not to be dramatic but I feel like it is a struggle to have authentic relationships, knowing you have to hold back that part of yourself that is "wounded." Therapy is a place to unleash all that and be real.

Lastyear - oh yes, it is a huge struggle to be authentic. I am still working on this with my own T. There is a lot of fear about how a T will respond to certain things.

In the T relationship, we will not usually be able to do all of this all at the same time. Usually, hardly any of the time! After all, we are in therapy to learn how to be this way in our relationships. But they are goals - things to try to keep in mind as we go forward with sessions.

For example, right now-today, I am 2 hours from my session. I don't want to tell my T about some stuff this weekend. I will be picky and tell him what I want him to know. Why am I doing this? Because of my own fear - I don't want to hurt today too much in session because I worked 7 days in a row and am exhausted and have to work 4 days starting tommorow. So I am making a choice to deal with some easier stuff today.

But the choice is mine. And I know that by not telling everything, I will have to spend another hour next week dealing with what I need to deal with today. It is my money, my hour, my choice.

By me keeping in mind my very first point - that I am the customer, I am able to give myself grace about the honesty rule. I will not be dishonest, but if T comes out and asks me a certain thing that I don't want to deal with, I will lie. Why? Because I call the shots and it is my dime :-) LOL . But I have to realize that if I make that choice, I am the one who will pay the price. It may take one extra session to go through why I lied. My T won't punish me over my choice. But it will cost me.

All of this comes down to us just being aware of how our actions and decisions impact our therapy.

Wepow, this is really great..thank you so much for sharing. I do want to print this out and put it in my T journal.
Thank you again Wepow...you are extrememly insightful. I hope you share this with your T...he is lucky to have you as a client