[PTSDlovemycats]

So I saw my T again today. I just can't get a break, she has been on my case so much the past 2 sessions. Today she was going on about how I need to learn to actually label my feelings because action words tell her nothing. She wants to know if I am sad, scared, angry, mad, etc. Not if I want to cut, puke, etc. Well that would be fine except for one little problem, I DON'T KNOW HOW!

I can't recognize my feelings, I told her that and she said that it is because I run from them and cut. I invalidate my feelings and she said that if she continues to accept listening to me tell her about my "action feelings" then she is invalidating my feelings as well.

Then she was on me for doing some of my OCD behaviours in session, saying I don't need to do that and blah, blah, that it only helps me to dissociate. -to which I denied and said that I think that it helps me relax more. She said that whenever anyone is caught up in doing a repetitive action they are feeling a lot of anxiety.

Next she starts talking about why is it that it seems like I want her to me a parent to me but then when she acts like a parent I don't want her to be one, and that she can't be a parent to me because I already have parents. Thanks T.

Then she went on about how we have been going around and arounf in circles for the past few years now and that she is sick of it and isn't going to support that anymore. Jesus.

Next she starts off by saying "So sometimes your behaviours appear really childish and I know that you don't mean to come across that way but that is how it looks. Then people feel the need to take care of you and try to be a parent to you and you don't like it, so try to be an adult more alright?" ****.

Finally she says well I am going to start pushing you even more now and when I see you slipping I am going to put a stop to it so you better do everything you can to make it work. WOW. -Fun session.

Felt like crap on the way home and ended up cutting tonight. Then I sent T a text asking if she could please call me tonight because I am not ok.

She replied saying "You need to try to help yourself to be ok, you were fine when I was away. Focus on the good things that you do at work. You are not a child, you are an adult. I am not "oncall" tonight"

I sent her a text back saying "How am I supposed to help myself be aok? I am a mess and I don't know what I feel like without using action words but I want to cry and I have already cut a bunch tonight. Also I'm not sure why but I think I am mad at you. Not because you won't call me, I felt like this before you sent your text."

About 15 mins later she replied saying "Try to find where you are strong and where your more adult parts are...It's hard to start to aknowledge how you really feel...You have a lot to feel frustrated and mad at....You can be mad at me....I can handle it...I am pushing you to start changing your patterns....If you don't you will stay stuck....I believe that you can have more in your life....You have more choices than you are used to believing....Take care of yourself...Goonite..Ttyl."

....So yea...i sent her another text later tonight but obviously haven't heard back from her tonight and won't hear from her now until tomorrow sometime...

[Yoda]

So how long has it been since you set your psychcentral mood to "fine"? You clearly are not fine right now.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Thanks Yoda. I have updated that now!

[PTSDlovemycats]

Do others have this much difficulty recognizing their feelings?? How do you learn to do this? Why weren't we taught this when we were little. It feels like so much of the stuff that T and I are starting to work on right now has so much to do with the stuff I didn't receive as a young child. Ie; the developmental stuff, why questions, and now not knowing how to recognize my feelings. -Sigh-

Wow, it sounds like a *lot* went on in that session. It sounds really tough- you have my sympathy. Do you and T have any clearly defined goals you can go back to? It sounds like she wants you to achieve a whole lot of things at once, and it might help if you made some goals and agreed together which ones to focus on, rather than her acting unilaterally?

Perhaps one important goal is to be able to recognise and name your feelings, for example? It is so hard if we didn't see others model this for us as children. I had to learn it, explicitly, as an adult. This is part of 'emotion regulation' in DBT, and there are some fab handouts, which list each emotion, and the situations in which you might feel it, how you might feel in your body, what your thoughts might be, what your action urges might be, how you might feel once the emotion is gone... It's basically detective work at first, starting with your action urge (e.g. to SI) and going through the sheets until you find an emotion that fits! But it gets easier, and it's such a helpful skill to have.

Hope you feel a bit better in the morning, and that your T replies soon

^^ Cats, that's funny, I just wrote a whole post about it, and then thought 'hmm, this is quite directive, and focusing on only one aspect of the original post when she didn't explicitly ask about that... maybe I should delete...'!!

Leaving it be

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by Improving

I had to learn it, explicitly, as an adult. This is part of 'emotion regulation' in DBT, and there are some fab handouts, which list each emotion, and the situations in which you might feel it, how you might feel in your body, what your thoughts might be, what your action urges might be, how you might feel once the emotion is gone... It's basically detective work at first, starting with your action urge (e.g. to SI) and going through the sheets until you find an emotion that fits! But it gets easier, and it's such a helpful skill to have.

Hope you feel a bit better in the morning, and that your T replies soon

Improving, where can I find these? Can I download them from a certain website at all??

Yes, here, about a fifth of the way down the page (emotion regulation handout 4: ways to describe emotions) and down to the bottom of the page, covering love, joy, anger, sadness, fear and shame...

http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/dbtemotionreg1.htm

There's also a fab workbook called 'Don't let your emotions run your life' by Scott Spradlin which is based around this and really helps you to become familiar with your feelings.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Thanks so much Improving. I just took a look at that website. I think I will print that info out for me to keep handy. Have you read the book that you are mentioning??

Yes, I've used the book. It's very interactive- more a workbook than a reading book.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Awesome, I am going to go look for it tomorrow. Was it very difficult to find? Would I find it at Chapters? (Canadian equivilant to Barnes & Nobles)

Great, hope it's helpful I guess it depends how big the bookshop is? And how emotionally unregulated the city's inhabitants are?! I don't know Chapters or Barnes & Noble (I live in the UK where everything like stores is on a smaller scale), and tend to buy all my books online because it's so much cheaper and the books I want aren't exactly mainstream 3 for 2 fiction!

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by Improving

I guess it depends how big the bookshop is? And how emotionally unregulated the city's inhabitants are?!

LMAO Improving you are hilarious!! I just assumed you were in te US. My bad. I can't wait to get this book! Boy am I gonna show T next week! Hehehe...

Cats, I've thought this through a bit more, and decided that the optimum city is one with a small but significant proportion of emotionally unregulated people. You want enough people that the book is stocked by the store, but not so many that the book is sold out! If you don't live in such a city, you must of course move before going to the bookstore, which could delay things quite a bit...

I think it would be fab to have the book to show T. It would show that you are taking on board what she's saying and you are willing to work with her. And perhaps it will make her more amenable to tackling one important thing at a time rather than expecting change in every area overnight

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by Improving

Cats, I've thought this through a bit more, and decided that the optimum city is one with a small but significant proportion of emotionally unregulated people. You want enough people that the book is stocked by the store, but not so many that the book is sold out! If you don't live in such a city, you must of course move before going to the bookstore, which could delay things quite a bit...

I think it would be fab to have the book to show T. It would show that you are taking on board what she's saying and you are willing to work with her. And perhaps it will make her more amenable to tackling one important thing at a time rather than expecting change in every area overnight

Oh how you make me laugh!! And yes I think T will be very impressed if I suddenly have a wealth of knowledge about feelings and emotions and she doesn't know where it came from -if i keep it between us. lol. THEN maybe she will cut me a little slack and get off of my back for a bit. I am only human and can only handle so much at a time from T...

[PTSDlovemycats]

OMG I have not been to bed yet and it is almost 4:30am! I keep replaying my session with T over and over in my head! ARG!!

[lastyearisblank]

WOW she was really pushing you. It kind of sounds like she might regret it from the text.

I want that book too.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

WOW she was really pushing you. It kind of sounds like she might regret it from the text.

I want that book too.

I know right? She isn't usually so damn pushy! I am not a fan of "new pushy T" So you think she regrets it? Because she said that I could be mad at her and she can handle it? Or because I cut? Just curious...I am going to go look for that book today!

[SpiritRunner]

She did really push you! But, and I want to seem gentle about it, she is right - you do need to start looking for, learning how to look for, learning how to name the emotions that you feel instead of just doing something reactive, like cutting, instead of facing the emotion.
What Improving talked about with DBT and emotional regulation sounds great, like it would be helpful for you.....and for me, too. Because I also have trouble just facing the emotions, I want to stuff them away and not name them and just not have to feel them, either. Hence, I am actually a very stormy person emotionally, not seen on the exterior, but most certainly on the interior.....there is unregulated emotion running amok and carrying me hither and yon, and no amount of intellectualizing (which is my escape instead of hurting myself, though I have done that too) really regulates it...
Your T wants to help you and I know what she said, how she said it, probably does hurt.....but think of it like tough love! She does care, she does want to help, but it's not going to be easy, and it won't be without some hurt!

[lovelygirl]

Originally Posted by Improving

the optimum city is one with a small but significant proportion of emotionally unregulated people

Ha, that is brilliant! I think that's just a darn good rule to live by!

[lastyearisblank]

Or because I cut?

Yeah that is just the question right. I have to say I liked what you wrote in the "cutting" thread. I think she would have been very careful not to respond with anything extra.

Because she said that I could be mad at her and she can handle it? Or because I cut?

It's because there is a big difference between saying THIS

"So sometimes your behaviours appear really childish and I know that you don't mean to come across that way but that is how it looks. Then people feel the need to take care of you and try to be a parent to you and you don't like it, so try to be an adult more alright?

and saying THIS

Try to find where you are strong and where your more adult parts are

I feel like the second one is what she is really trying to convey to you. Sometimes we will give advice that is kind of blunt but we will think it's a good idea, and then a couple of hours later realize there was a MUCH clearer way to say it. You probably would have talked about this next week anyway.

[karebear1]

She's not just pushing you Cats- she's PUSHING you! It's not just one thing she's trying to get you to work on, it's several! She must think you have great capacity to learn and grow AND that you're ready for it, or she wouldn't do it. If you need her to go a little slower, then tell her- let's work on one thing at a time. I'm sorry you are so overwhelmed with this! Please take care of yourself.

[Sannah]

One of my favorite sayings is people will live up to or down to expectations. I think that you can handle this challenge Cats.

[Marie123]

She sounds very rejecting and unsympathetic; not good qualities for a therapist. think I am mad at you. Not because you won't call me, I felt like this before you sent your text."

[PTSDlovemycats]

Lastyearisblank -Thanks for that and I think you are right. It would have hurt less if she had only said it the second way.

Karebear -Thanks she IS pushing me alright. You are also right. She had mentioned to me many times that she thinks that I have a lot of capacty to learn and grow. I would definitely like to slow down though!

Sannah -Thanks for your vote of confidence, it means a lot to me!

Marie123 -Actually she is a really caring and empathetic therapist. I just didn't portray to much of that part of her in this thread.