Where the heck do I start with T this week???

Hi everyone,

So as you may recall if you saw my earlier thread this week, my T and I had a conflict about his self-disclosure. I asked him why he became a therapist (and a trauma therapist at that), he declined to answer and quizzed me about why I asked, which led him to explain in what felt to me a sort of condescending way about the basics of therapy boundaries. I told him (again) that I've been in T for decades and understand the rules, and that I didn't even want any extensive disclosure, I was just wondering about that question. I was wondering because it's not like he became an accountant, he's a T and why does he care about working with the likes of me?

So he did apologize; he said, "I hurt your feelings, I didn't intend at all to be condescending, I was trying to put this in context." (Which I think means that he was trying to explain that it's important therapeutically for both of us to understand why I was asking. Which I do, and which is why I told him why I was asking.)

Anyway, I left still feeling angry, and I'm still angry, and don't know entirely why, and I have NO idea where to pick up when I see him this week. Part of me wants to ask him to clarify his policies with me more clearly (re: self-disclosure, etc.), so I'm not left wondering about things. But on a feeling level, I'm not trusting him much right now, the environment with him feels cold to me, and I'm having genuine questions about how to make this work with him.

Maybe I start there? I don't know. Any and all suggestions welcome.

Sigh. T can be so uncomfortable.

Tell him what you said on here... I know it feels yucky, but it's your time. So I would do the "tell me about your feelings" thing I guess . I would let him know everything- about wanting to stick it out, but feeling like it's too cold, and wanting to know if he thinks you are a good fit.

I agree with lyib. I know you want this therapy to work, but maybe he's really NOT a good fit for you. If you tell him what you posted, I think you will have your answer, one way or another!

Whoa! I don't think it's time to go therapist shopping just yet.

I definitely would start off by telling him how you feel about everything that's going on. The coldness that you feel, how engaged he is, and how his demeanor may benefit YOU and your therapy.

Then I would listen and think about what he has to say about it. He should be responsive. Although you may not agree with everything, he should be very interested in how you feel when you are there and willing to talk about it honestly.

This is temporary and part of therapy.
In any relationship, one party can ask a question and the other can choose whether to answer it, or how to answer it. We all have this ability to set boundaries.
T's boundary about disclosure are fine. They don't feel good, but they are fine.

But definitely keep talking about this, how you feel about it.
His reply to your asking is making him seem cold, and his not providing the specific answer to your question makes him feel untrustworthy, but it is not his intent. His intent is to respect the boundaries he chooses for himself, while recognizing your curiosity.

I think this is an important clue, and I think this is where you should start at your next session.

I agree with Ellie, that it is way too soon to find another T. Sometimes it takes time to work through things like this.

I think what you said in your post is the perfect place to start.

I agree with the starting point of being what you said in your post.
You have a right to emotionally understand the rules of this relationship.
All relationships (working and otherwise) have rules. When we don't understand the rules, we can feel hurt and invalidated.

Be honest. It will be hard, but you can do it. And it will pay off for you.

yup, just tell him what you put in this post, and that you are angry and not sure why. asking for a more complete clarification of policies is a good thing, so that you do understand his boundaries better, and don't stumble on them unaware in the future. honesty is the best policy here; it will lead to deeper trust and a better working relationship.