I Think I'm an Idiot

It DOES feel like that, doesn't it? I know that I used to wonder what the point of all of that attachment was...it really did seem like a giant set up for a huge pile of pain.

I am finding out that yes, there IS pain. But the pain is there BECAUSE of the trust and the love, and it is bittersweet. If I had never been in therapy, I don't know if I ever would have really believed, on a feeling level, that I am okay. Or that I am acceptable, or worthy of love, or loved. I really wouldn't trade the pain for those gifts, because the pain and the gifts came wrapped up in the same package, and I couldn't have one without the other. If i didn't open up to T, and let myself become attached, I never would have experienced all of the positive things that resulted from that.

There are SO many times when were "in it" that it feels like nothing but PAIN. The only thing I know to do is to keep showing up, week after week, and trust the process.

You are doing good work, suratji

I think I'm willing to experience the pain if I knew for sure it really had value and wasn't just some self-indulgent, let me throw a temper tantrum and feel sorry for myself exercise.

I don't trust at the moment that I'm not just playing mind games with myself and T is a big part of encouraging me to play these games.

I am thinking of you today......I know you aren't believing it/feeling it so much right now, but it will be OK, you will be OK, because of (not in spite of) going through this! You really are doing great work, hard work! T knows that, she won't drop you.....

This is exactly what my T writes for me as my anchor!

Hi Suratji,

I totally understand where you're coming from. Very often, i hate feeling so attached and needy toward my t!! I realize that it makes me vulnerable and easy to feel hurt by things my t says or does. I also get angry at times if my t doesn't respond sensitively toward me.

I think that on the other side of the couch, it can be easy for them to forget what it feels like as a client to open up and spill your guts -- your most tender and scary and difficult feelings. And also easy for them to forget that it's hard and scary to rely on, or attach to, somebody else, when other people in the past that you've trusted have used you, abandoned you, or let you down. T's need to realize that therapy may be their "job," but they are with us in a journey to the deepest, darkest parts of our soul. They had better not encourage our attachment unless they are prepared to stick with us in that journey and treat us sensitively and honestly, not just with memorized textbook statements or platitudes. It may just be their job, but it's our life.

(rant over)

Peaches - Have you ranted to your T? That's my plan for this morning. 1 hour and 15 minutes to go.

Good luck ((Suratji!)) Hope you can have some faith in the process today. I know just how you feel, almost overheated. I just want to scrap the whole thing too sometimes. Hope T helps you decide to stick with it.

I don't think you an idiot~! I think you are brave, courageous and wonderful.

Maggy Jo

It's not that I don't want to stick with the work of acquiring self-knowledge and achieving self-improvement. I'm very willing and eager to do the work. I will do whatever it takes.

But that is the problem here - I went out on a limb before I was absolutely sure that the 'end of the limb' was the way to reach my goal. And so, here I am, gutted, my innards exposed and with no assurance that it will mean a thing.

(((Suratji))) Yeah I think this is why it's good so many of us develop attachment or sexual feelings toward our therapists. Otherwise it would just be too depressing to go back.

Yes. They use the relationship to help motivate change.

Why? Is it because you are angry with her?

I have sometimes felt that way too. Why don't they tell us at the outset?! I don't think they should prevent us, but at least tell how it is, so we can make a choice? Maybe therapy wouldn't work if they explained it all? I've thought too that if at the first session they explained about how in therapy you will have this close relationship with the therapist, that you will come to feel very close to him, and that through this, you will heal, blah blah, I would probably look at the T sideways, and be thinking inside, "hmmm, think highly of yourself, don't you?" Like how could they sit there and say, in a few month's time you and I will be stuck together like glue? And not all clients form a close bond with their therapist, so they couldn't say that truthfully to everyone. Some clients do very good work at a distance. At a very early session with my T (one of the first 3?), I told him a dream I had and we both were in it. He suggested this dream meant I wanted love from him, whereas I had a different interpretation. At the time, I thought he was so ballsy to suggest I wanted love from him. Like, where would he get such a strange idea?? So maybe he tried to tell me (warn me?) early on, but I didn't hear it?

(((Suratji))) That is so poignant that this is what you want your T to say to you. I hope you will share this with your T. This is not what they do, BTW (but I am sure you have figured this out!). Recently, I wanted my T to provide me with some tools/skills to help me get through some situations that were proving very hard for me, and that would make me cry, out there in the real world. He would have none of this goal of teaching me to hide my feelings! He thought it was perfectly fine that I was crying (in front of people!) this way. Sometimes, they have different ideas and goals for us than we have for ourselves. In cases like this, I just kind of try to trust him, that he knows better than I what is healthy for me and my growth/development.

Good luck today.

When I get in that predicament, that I feel wholly exposed, I use my wonderful intellect to explore what that actually means. What "worse" can happen to you now? Your innards are still your innards. Anyone commenting on them (negatively, emotionally slicing them up? taking "advantage" of you caring) still does not control them/you because they can't make your innards, your caring, your feelings their own! They can't steal them or make you feel good, bad, indifferent because your feelings come from you and what you think.

You love me/I don't love you can feel really really bad but (a) it hasn't happened yet, your T has not negated her care and interest in you has she? and (b) your feelings are based on your wants, desires, beliefs, thoughts, etc. so are "controlled" by you and can only be manipulated by you. You say you are "dependent" on T but you probably wouldn't die if she died in an hour; you'd be really upset and life would suck for a long time but. . . eventually you would work your way through it just like you are now, in therapy, working your way through the other pains of your life you had from before.

The opposite of dependent and love and care is not "weak". Think of the whole bend-with-rather-than-oppose the wind/water thing. Rock is worn away by water but neither is "weak". Play some games of rock/scissor/paper with a friend/(your T?) for awhile and think about it