I woke up today thinking "what have I DONE?". I think maybe because I have a lot of unexpected free time this weekend, and stepping out of the busy-ness of my life makes me feel the absence of any upcoming T appointments a little more strongly.

I came downstairs and got on the computer and found a PM from a PC member who took a break and had it work out really well and that helped a lot...it was such a surprise and a gift And I KNOW that this feeling will pass. I just have to sit with it and let it be there. I know I am okay.

My boys asked me to spin the spinner so they can play Twister and they are soooo funny. I'm trying to let their laughter (and mine) keep me here, now.

I know I can call T and go back Monday. And I know how I felt in therapy lately, and that this is something that I need to do right now. I KNOW it's time for me to be on my own a little bit, to see what comes up and to learn and to find out where I'm at and what I still need help with.

At my session, T talked about the boundaries being hard. I know I enjoy his company and he enjoys my company and we will miss seeing each other. I wouldn't trade the boundaries, because they are so safe and healing...AND right now, they suck.

So. That's this morning.

[SpiritRunner]

((((((tree))))))

[granite1]

sending you some hugs and strengthjust keep posting if you need to

[googley]

(((((((((((Tree)))))))))))

[WePow]

((((Tree)))) Just keep allowing yourself to take it one hour at a time. You have lost nothing. T is still there. You gained your strength and your own empowerment.

[seventyeight]

hi treehouse,

one thing i wanted to mention: it's not a failure if you do have to call your therapist and go back on monday. i don't even know if that's how your thinking of it (success = staying on a break vs. failure = calling and going back), but i could see how it would be easy to get caught up in that.. especially since you're trying so hard to stay in the space you're in and to keep going with the plan you set forth.

anyway, just thought i'd mention it. i'm so glad you're continuing to post, it's been really interesting to see how things are going for you with this. thanks for being the "pc guinea pig"

seventyeight

[seventyeight]

and one more thing: your therapist is thinking of you right now too. everything (well, a lot of it anyway) you're feeling right now about missing him and his company, the now "empty appointments," the connection you have, etc. - he's thinking about too. i think you'd be surprised to know how shared your experience (of this part of the process) is with him. he even told you how hard it would be for him not to see you on mondays and thursdays now.

i'm not sure if it gives you any comfort, but i just thought maybe it would make it a little bit easier to know that everytime you have a feeling, a thought of missing him - that he is too, for you.

[lastyearisblank]

Boo for rainy Saturdays. The only thing worse is a rainy Sunday!

It's definitely a process, hope you hang in there, I think it's great you're paying attention to your feelings.

[maggyjo]

I had such a hard time after I left my last T too. Even though I knew it was right. It does get easier. One day at a time. You will get a little bit stronger.

Maggy Jo

Originally Posted by seventyeight

one thing i wanted to mention: it's not a failure if you do have to call your therapist and go back on monday. i don't even know if that's how your thinking of it (success = staying on a break vs. failure = calling and going back), but i could see how it would be easy to get caught up in that.. especially since you're trying so hard to stay in the space you're in and to keep going with the plan you set forth.

This is a good point, 78...I've thought about this quite a bit, actually. It's something I'm really trying to be aware of...not setting myself up by deciding going back would be a "failure".

Last summer, we tried to cut down from twice a week to once a week, and I was SO MISERABLE. It hurt a lot, and I cried all the time. I really, really, really wanted to see T. T kept saying that might get easier, but it never did get easier, and after a few weeks (at the most) we were back to twice a week. I just wasn't ready. So, I have the memory of what that felt like, and if I feel like that, I am SO going back.

I really really don't feel like that though. I miss knowing that I am going to see T, and I know I will miss him a LOT when my session times come and go...but I don't have that lost, desperate feeling that I had last summer. I have moments of sadness and even of "what have I done?!" (like this morning!), but they don't overwhelm me, and they pass by. So, I am trying to just pay attention to how I feel and I am trying to just let it be what it is, and so far, it's really okay.

Today was funny. I thought I had this big, empty day ahead of me, but plans totally changed, and I ended up at my son's baseball games from 2 - 8 (which is one of my favorite things in the world, so that was a happy surprise) and then my H wanted to eat out, so my son and I met my H and my other two sons for a really late dinner. We never ever go out to eat, so it was SO fun, to just spend time with my family, and to not have to cook. I love hanging out with my boys, and we had a really good time. So. Things are working out It's like what I need is HERE, when I open up and notice it, and I am really making a point of opening up and noticing it. It's right here.

Thanks for what you said about my T thinking about me. I know I am probably crossing his mind from time to time, and I KNOW he will wonder how I am doing. I usually call him almost every day and at least leave a short message. It actually makes it so clear how much power and control *I* have in the relationship. He really has no way of finding out how I'm doing, because of the boundaries....if we have contact, *I* will call him. So if he misses me, or is curious, or whatever, he has to wait until I reach out to him first. And, on the other hand, I can literally reach out to him at any time. I could send him an e-mail right now and he would respond. I don't really have any issues about "power" in therapy, but I know some people do, and I did at one point, and it's interesting to get this perspective.