[velcro003]

Lots of things have happened over the past month, but basically it boils down to my boss being very concerned about my safety, and meeting with me and my therapists. Let me tell you, I'm not so sure i've EVER been so nervous about talking to people ever. Your boss AND your therapists, all talking about YOU? Blech.

There was a lot that was talked about. My boss spent about 10 minutes detailing all the things that have not gone right in the past year or so, ending to the two write-ups I got in a week. (I've worked for this company for 6.5 years, and have never been written up) My therapists talked about how I've been delving into "old stuff" over the past month, and it seems to parallel the decline at work, but that we are working on me having better coping skills.

Most of it was ok...until the end. My boss told them how, a few weekends ago, I texted her that I was driving around crying. UGH. Of course, I didn't tell my T's this...its embarassing, and I immediately regretted it. My EMDR-T said that in the future, she can say something to me like "Maybe this is better to bring to your session" and working on "boundaries." My regular T said that I act child-like to elicit sympathy, and I don't have to do that.

I feel HORRIBLE. I have been so upset since the meeting. Acting child-like to me means that I am needy, dependent, and well, childish! I HATE being needy or dependent. On anyone. I admit there is something that draws me to my boss. If I am forced to admit it, there is a part of me that wants her to rescue me in some way.

But now I am soooo scared I am going to go into next week's session and be in trouble. For acting like a child, for texting my boss when I shouldn't have, for not doing what I should be doing to make myself better.

What is everyone's thoughts on someone telling you that you act "child-like?"

[SpiritRunner]

I tend to think of child-like as more positive than childish.....childish being the part where I am acting like an immature, selfish, whiny, defiant, brat (all the negative things there can be about children, I suppose). But child-like I think of more as humility, sincerity and innocence, trusting without question, understanding I can't do something and someone else who does can help me and being willing to ask for the help without fear, simple faith in someone......positive qualities of children. Spiritually, it's better to be child-like than childish, I think.
I guess being child-like does not always mean that you are actually acting like a child, or being childish! I would rather hear someone tell me I was child-like than childish.....I don't think acting child-like means that you are actually also childish, as in bratty! It might be mean that you do have a dependent sort of a nature though, like a child might.....because that's your way of asking for help when you need help.
Just my opinions, and hope they're helpful in some way!

[learning1]

velcro, I don't think you'll be "in trouble" when you go to your session.

I am really curious how your t and your boss got together? That seems unusual. Did your boss ask for that? It sounds to me like your boss cares about you since she made the effort to meet with your t. Obviously I don't know the situation, but just from what you wrote that's what it sounds like. But it sounds like your boss doesn't know what to do and maybe she feels overwhelmed.

You realized you made a mistake by telling her you were driving around crying. It is hard but I think you will need forgive yourself. It was just a mistake. You are going to therapy to learn ways to cope when you are having trouble like driving around crying. It takes a LOT of strength to go to therapy, so you should be proud of yourself.

I can totally understand the feeling of being scared and "in trouble" but remember your t's are there to help you, that's their job. Best of luck velcro

[velcro003]

thank you guys!

its a REALLY long story, but i got written up twice in a week for tons of mistakes i was making at my job. stuff that i know how to do, but was slipping. in these meetings there was lots of crying on my part. i fall apart when we have tough conversations. in the second one (a few days after i first got written up), i was 40 minutes late to work because i over-slept. I KNEW i was going to be in big trouble for that. So I got called in, and my boss was almost incredulous that I actually was late. I had no answer, and of course, just shut down and cried.

She then told me how concerned she was, and how she was afraid for my safety, and just got this sense from me that i don't have a support network. True. She asked if she should be concerned about my safety, and it took me a minute to say no. I don't know why, because i am not suicidal.

So she said she had to think/talk to her boss/the lawyer about all of this. It was the most agonizing hour of my life. I peeked my head in at one point to ask her something and she was crying. Oy. When I went back in she directly asked me if i was suicidal, and i said no. She knows I am in therapy and said that she thinks that they don't understand how grave of a situation i am in because she thinks I don't understand the severity of it all.

I admit that I feel like i've lost all perspective of myself. She said that maybe she could call and talk to my T, and I was like "mmmm....no" After meeting with my T, and me being terrified of truly losing my job, they suggested that she come in and meet. And she agreed. And that is what followed.

It does seem like she cares. I can't not believe that, I mean how many bosses will go to their employee's therapist?! BUT, I am constantly waiting for her to change her mind. Think she was nuts to ever put this much effort into me. She has told me that if she didn't like me personally so much, that i would have gotten fired long ago. So, there is only so much she will be able to take. I know she has to be conscientious of her professional/personal boundaries, and she can only help so much. It still is a business.

Ugh. This all just sucks. I am so scared that all this energy that I am putting into my job right now (and basically it is everything i have) is going to burn out at some point. I will make a stupid mistake, be late...or do something that will do me in. Its just biding my time. I feel like i'm running up Mt. Everest, and falling constantly down the mountain. I keep trying to get up there, but whats the point?

[online user]

I agree with poet-girl--but could never have expressed it so well! I wouldn't take offence. You have enough to concentrate on, doing your job every day and keeping yourself functioning while you are working on your mental health issues with your therapists.

My T tells me when my anger is out of control, that he thinks I am behaving like I described myself as a little girl. He doesn't say this to be critical, but to give me insight into why I act like that. He thinks it's a reaction I learned when I was very young and frightened. I remember my mother yelling at me from a very early age. Sometimes, when I had done nothing that I knew to be wrong, or when the "wrong-doing" was done by my younger sisters. One was particularly shy, and so all her deeds got blamed on me.

You sound like you have a lot of good qualities and a lot of strengths. I hope your boss will continue to support you while you work through things.

[lastyearisblank]

You do sound like you have a lot of strengths. I am sorry that you are in such a tight spot Velcro. It can be hard to know who to turn to for support.

I know you didn't ask, but I'm just going to share a little tip that has helped me a lot. If someone at work asks how I'm doing, I say "great." It is always always always better not to share personal details. It can be confusing getting negative or rejecting responses from people who have power over your life. Imho it is better to save that stuff for loved ones, therapists, and others, where you will NOT be judged or be made to feel childish for asking for what you want. It is a process learning who to open up to, and I wish you lots of luck and I hope you can forgive yourself too!

I'm sorry your T made you feel bad. Perhaps she is frustrated seeing you hurting and unable to fix it.

[PTSDlovemycats]

I have been told by my T that I act childish and sometimes actually look childish with my facial expressions. Once she questioned why I like being childish. I said that I don't (really, I don't) and she asked then what is it about me that feels the need to act like a child?? I had no response for her. She re-iterated that she was not getting mad or upset with me or trying to scold me but was merely bringing it to my attention and said that she would continue to do that when it happens in the future. I don't know "how" I act childish but she has commented on my "pouty face" that apparently makes me look like a 2 or 3yr old...Does anyone else have any similar experiences to this??

Also I think that it was very brave and courageous of you to have a meeting with both your boss and your T. Great job! Many others wouldn't have been able to do what you just did! Hats off to you!! I am proud of you and hope that you are proud of yourself as well! Things will work out and I hope that with your T you are able to develop some stronger coping mechanisms. All the best to you!