[DelusionsDaily]

Hi all,
I know you are probably sick of hearing about him but I'm having a REALLY hard time letting go of x-pdoc after he didn't respond to my letter.

I have a homework assignment for DBT tonight that helped me pick apart the thoughts and feeling about all this. T and I are going to review it next week Monday at my appointment. We are trying to decide where I go from here with this. Part of me want to write another letter asking the same question but detail, in bullet form, the work I have done/am doing and benefits I have gained as a result. However, the other part of me, when I shut down all these emotions and thoughts wants rage at him in a letter.

Gawd, I hate this!!! The turmoil is unbearable at times. I wish, at the very least, I could find some closure somehow. I doubt he would do one last session for closure but maybe I should ask. I don't know...any ideas.

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[unlockingsanity]

I think his answer about further contact is loud and clear by his silence.

You did the right thing. You were composed and acted with class with your letter and request for communication. I think you should value your current progress and continue moving forward instead of looking back and wanting to go back to something you left behind.

Swallow that lump of sorrow/anger in your throat and keep moving forward.

[DelusionsDaily]

I'm just having a really hard time "just moving forward", I'm not so sure it's possible. I really need some closure but I don't know how to find it. When he terminated I was too busy being rage-filled towards x-T to really focus on the closure aspect of the termination.

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[HazelGirl]

Sometimes you have to choose to let go and move on, even if you don't have proper closure. What exactly are you looking for? How can you either let that go or give it to yourself? For example, if you are looking for him to say he cares, how can you let go of that want and instead accept that you can care for yourself and that's enough?

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Melissa, I am not trying to open up old wounds and I have the deepest respect for how much you've changed. But I've been around long enough so that I remember how out of control you were with self harm, and how p-doc made it clear under what conditions he was willing to continue to see you, and you refused to agree to those conditions.

I think it would help you to let go if you could see it from his perspective. Just because you've changed, it doesn't mean you are entitled to have someone respond to you. Especially when he believes that he closed his professional obligation to you through the termination process. Can you see how and why he would not want to respond, and why he wouldn't want to re-open a relationship with you?

[growlycat]

I'm so sorry you are going through this pain.

Do you mind if I ask which DBT exercise you are doing to process this? I have the workbook and CBT T is going to start assigning things when he is away----I don't always know which exercises work in what situations. Never had formal DBT

[DelusionsDaily]

ListenMoreTalkLess I get where you are coming from. However, I find it incredibly rude and disrespectful when asked a direct question for someone not to respond, professional or not. I think it is common courtesy when one asks a question of someone for the other person to respond. He doesn't have to be my doctor. That's ok. I just need a way to find closure and I'm not entirely sure I can do so without his help.

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[sweepy62]

Melissa, he did not act professionally, and you do need closure, its easy to say, move on, but its not, you have all those feelings still inside you and thats ok, they are your feelings and you are entitled to them. Closure is a huge thing in my oppinion for healing, whether a person is living or not.

I know you have come a long way, and I congratulate you for that, you are stronger now, you have a good t, and dbt support, that doesnt mean it erases your past thoughts and feelings. I am still looking for closure on stuff that happened many moons ago, I get where you are coming from. Its not easy.
These feelings need to be processed so they dont get in the way of your furthur success. I think another letter will probably antagonize him, or he might take it as a form of harassment, but you should discuss this with your t.
I wonder if your t could intervene, and email him, stating that it is in his and your best interest that he give you an answer , so that you can have closure and continue with your therapy.
In my oppinon to move on and forget the past, is such harsh words( to me) I have always had a problem with that.

I am not saying that to judge anyones oppinion here, because they all give good advice and care for you, that is just one of my pet peeves.
Let me know how it goes.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I think he gave you an answer when he sent you the termination letter. Nothing further is needed for him to be a professional. It is not rude or unprofessional to not answer a letter, especially when you've already given your answer.in a previous one.

He doesn't owe you anything.

[DelusionsDaily]

ListenMoreTalkLess...I disagree with you. I think it best we agree to disagree. We obviously have very different opinions and that is ok.

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[DelusionsDaily]

Sweepy...I'm trying to keep T out of the picture as far as doing anything because I don't want her intervention on my part to affect her job at the hospital he works at as medical director. Just a sticky situation for her. So I prefer to keep it focused on what I'm going to do. Trust me I would love for her to intervene but I don't want it to affect her full time job at the hospital...it's entirely unfair to her.

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[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

Sweepy...I'm trying to keep T out of the picture as far as doing anything because I don't want her intervention on my part to affect her job at the hospital he works at as medical director. Just a sticky situation for her. So I prefer to keep it focused on what I'm going to do. Trust me I would love for her to intervene but I don't want it to affect her full time job at the hospital...it's entirely unfair to her.

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oh i see, i forgot that part, I am sorry for forgetting, sorry for suggesting that, I still think you are entitled to closure and your feelings.

[CameraObscura]

Whether it was rude of him not to answer is pretty irrelevant. Practitioners don't have to maintain contact with anyone they have terminated, and some I know regard answering communication from former clients as reopening a relationship, and it seems he did not want to do that.

So even if he was rude, it's not something you can change. He made a decision, and he had the right to do that.

What do you need to give yourself to let go?

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

ListenMoreTalkLess I get where you are coming from. However, I find it incredibly rude and disrespectful when asked a direct question for someone not to respond, professional or not. I think it is common courtesy when one asks a question of someone for the other person to respond. He doesn't have to be my doctor. That's ok. I just need a way to find closure and I'm not entirely sure I can do so without his help.

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Can I share my personal experience with you? My termination with a previous T was very difficult. After we were finished, there was some stuff that was left hanging that should have been dealt with before we finished and I know now, that it was his responsibility to help me with this before we were finished.

There was no way to "fix" anything though. He was finished. I spent months agonizing over how things finished. I just wanted to fix the issue that left me so upset. I spent months being upset about it. I talked to my new therapist about it. He couldn't do anything other than listen and acknowledge that there had been mistakes on my T's behalf.

I never got to fix things, but I found a way to move forward. Endings are often like this - imperfect. You need to try and find a way through it to keep living. Don't let this other person stop you from becoming who you really are and keep you from living the fullest life possible.

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks for explaining more what you mean. It is much appreciated. This hasn't and won't stop or hinder my progress/growth. I won't give him that much power. Maybe with time this will all diminish. I have found that working out with great intensity has helped to diminish some of the overwhelming emotions and I do that for 1 hour 3-4 days a week.

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