[SpiritRunner]

So, session today. And we talked more about my emotional armor, something I journaled about.
The question was, why not lay it down? I said, I can't! It's too thick, it's too attached, it's like a second skin, it will feel like ripping away a part of me! I asked if the point of therapy was to strip this away.....she said, no! The point is, learning to lay aside the armor or parts of it in safe situations, to think of it as something you can put on and take off as you need to, rather than something heavy you must wear ALL the time! She said, no, you don't have to lay it down for good, it is something that has served you well and still does, but you need to think of it differently and learn how/when to lay it down.....
So my HW for this week is to think of ways to safely lay down my emotional armor and to think of ways to differentiate myself from it, that is, to think of it as something separate from me, something I could take off rather than something that is meshed into me! Gosh, what an assignment! Not complaining, but she is really challenging me again.....which is good! This is a core issue, a huge part of my whole pattern of being that needs change and healing.....
Of course, she does want me to come to the place I feel safe to lay down the armor or more of it in session, but she also made it clear she understands there's no therapeutic value in pushing me into that.....or in stripping the armor from me, so to speak, though I have sort of wished that she just would, in a metaphorical sense, simply yank it off me! But it's my choice if/when I do, if/when I feel safe enough to do so....I think journaling/talking about it is progress toward doing it. But like I said to her, I am getting frustrated......like she said, journaling is a safe way to lay down some armor and let her see inside me, and keep the armor on in session.....but I am getting frustrated with keeping the armor on like that, and want to actually lay it down in session! Not just write, but talk, feel, show more in session! I said this, and she said, Good!
Gosh, I wish progress was faster.....
As she said, though, we did just have an instance where I wasn't safe, where I was hurt, where I needed the armor even in session.....the hug thing. Yes, still talking about it. She brought it up! Said again she had not handled it therapeutically and recognized that it made me feel unsafe......and that it took continued courage and toughness on my part to keep coming, to keep trusting her, to even want to work on laying down the emotional armor with her when I was so hurt.....
But I do still trust her.....and am willing still to try to learn to lay down my emotional armor and just be with my feelings in session.....because I know T cares very much for me and my feelings.....

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, that is a tough assignment....and one that I could learn from myself. I live with that thick heavy armor myself and have no idea how I would even begin to figure out how to detach myself from it....Maybe I can learn from your process!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Poetgirl we are walking a similar stretch of road.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Wow, that is a tough assignment....and one that I could learn from myself. I live with that thick heavy armor myself and have no idea how I would even begin to figure out how to detach myself from it....Maybe I can learn from your process!

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Poetgirl we are walking a similar stretch of road.

(((((hugs))))) to both of you! maybe we can walk this stretch of road and learn the process together!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

So my HW for this week is to think of ways to safely lay down my emotional armor and to think of ways to differentiate myself from it, that is, to think of it as something separate from me, something I could take off rather than something that is meshed into me!

Poetgirl - will you be working on this assignment only in metaphorical terms or is it necessary to concentrate on specific real situations?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Poetgirl - will you be working on this assignment only in metaphorical terms or is it necessary to concentrate on specific real situations?

Both, I think.....I think she is wanting me to have a better metaphorical thought pattern about the armor and also to think about how to handle it in specific real situations. If I can learn a better way of thinking about it, a way to feel like it is separate from me and it's possible to take it off or bits of it, then I can learn how to do that in real life. I can learn what situations/people are safe to do it with, when it's safe, what parts are safe to take off....
In a sense, I take some of it off here on PC, but then no one here really 'sees' me, not physically anyway, doesn't walk/talk/live with me, so that makes it safe in some way....I need to learn how to do it with T, and in RL, too.....

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

Both, I think.....I think she is wanting me to have a better metaphorical thought pattern about the armor and also to think about how to handle it in specific real situations.

So, will you think up real situations and think through other ways of responding that allow the armor to be let down? There are probably a ton of situations like that. Will you choose those that are most prominent in your life right now? Will you be able to share those with us and what you learn?

Your ability to explain and analyze your own challenges have helped many people here on PC, I'm sure. I see you in the role of a therapist because your understanding is so deep and you are trying to 'walk the walk'. Only those who have done it can help those who are also trying to do it. Have you considered becoming a licensed T? I know you would be great at it.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Suratji

So, will you think up real situations and think through other ways of responding that allow the armor to be let down? There are probably a ton of situations like that. Will you choose those that are most prominent in your life right now? Will you be able to share those with us and what you learn?

Your ability to explain and analyze your own challenges have helped many people here on PC, I'm sure. I see you in the role of a therapist because your understanding is so deep and you are trying to 'walk the walk'. Only those who have done it can help those who are also trying to do it. Have you considered becoming a licensed T? I know you would be great at it.

me, a T?! oh my..... I have thought of it, I actually studied psychology in college until depression/eating disorder, etc., derailed me then.....What I think is that I have too many issues right now with my borderline plus bipolar plus trauma processing to think I would be a good T....but I am honored you think I would be good at it!
I could think of how to lay down my armor in therapy, how to do that in the trauma processing that I know is coming up ......I could think of doing so more with my H.....with a couple of my good friends....if I think of it, actually I have been working on letting my guard down a bit, being more transparent already, learning to ask more for what I need! well, getting that thought just now does help with thinking of the assignment....
I use words a lot though to sort of shield my emotions, like an intellectual shield, and words are a big part of my armor.....so I think even though I have been using more 'feeling words' with my H, my T, my good friends, I still have that armor on.....maybe I have just taken off no more than the mouthpiece!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

maybe I have just taken off no more than the mouthpiece!

Hey, that's a beginning. Have you thought through any hurts you may experience by taking down the armor? I mean, we put it up to prevent hurts so taking down will invariably allow hurts to be felt, won't it? Not always, I understand but still...

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

me, a T?! oh my..... I have thought of it, I actually studied psychology in college until depression/eating disorder, etc., derailed me then.....What I think is that I have too many issues right now with my borderline plus bipolar plus trauma processing to think I would be a good T....but I am honored you think I would be good at it!

Of course, not right now - there are years of school involved but the best T's, I believe, are the ones who have worked through their own ***** and can really truly understand their clients and have true honest empathy. What a gift you could offer others in suffering. Do you have a university close by where you could begin your studies?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Hey, that's a beginning. Have you thought through any hurts you may experience by taking down the armor? I mean, we put it up to prevent hurts so taking down will invariably allow hurts to be felt, won't it? Not always, I understand but still...

I think I did have a hurt already, with the whole hug thing with T......and maybe in a sense, this is one shield that I let down, a guard I let down, I let my needs show, and there has been hurt....I think here, though, even though I have been honest in telling T the hurt, I haven't felt, showed the emotion of it in session, just like I haven't felt, showed the emotion much of other things I have told. So, the mouthpiece is down, but the breastplate is still in place over my heart! Only in my journaling does T see some of what is behind there.....while I sit and watch her read, I am in my armor, yet feeling so naked, too...... Anyway, I am still sort of afraid of her or being so exposed in front of her, gentle and gracious as she is being now, and not feeling safe enough yet after the recent wounds suffered in therapy....but, fear or not, I am still going to keep trying!
I am sure somehow this isn't making much sense or sounds sort of melodramatic, some sort of poetic playing with words......here I am constructing word images of my pain, of my feelings, when I just need to feel them, and leave off the metaphorical musing about them.....I'm getting irritated at myself and my patterns here, sorry.

Originally Posted by Suratji

Of course, not right now - there are years of school involved but the best T's, I believe, are the ones who have worked through their own ***** and can really truly understand their clients and have true honest empathy. What a gift you could offer others in suffering. Do you have a university close by where you could begin your studies?

There are online classes, a community college and a private college here in town.....I think my past credits may still transfer, should I choose to do this. I wonder if my T would chuckle at me if I told her this came into my mind, or that someone suggested it to me?!?!

Thank you so much for posting about this PG Especially the part about not discarding it all together. I have the opposite struggle in some ways- not having enough armour to protect me from the hurts of the world, and I often fantasize about being able to build myself a set of armour so complete that noone could touch me. So thank you for describing the middle path- having a reasonable set of armour, and making wise decisions about when to wear it and when to lay it down.

Two random ideas came to mind while reading this thread. One is that it has sometimes helped me to externalize/anthropomorphize/physically create whatever the 'it' is that I am talking about. I wondered, for example, whether you could make yourself an actual shield (cardboard, tin foil... really!) and experiment with how it feels to lay it down in front of T. And picking it up again when you feel the need. Things like this helped me to notice much more closely what was happening for me.

I also liked the part about trying to use more feelings words. I can relate to finding it so much easier to think than to feel. One DBT challenge I found helpful was to stop every time I heard myself saying 'I feel' and check that it really was followed by a feeling, rather than a thought. Hope that makes sense!

Sounds like you and T are doing such good work together

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Improving

Thank you so much for posting about this PG Especially the part about not discarding it all together. I have the opposite struggle in some ways- not having enough armour to protect me from the hurts of the world, and I often fantasize about being able to build myself a set of armour so complete that noone could touch me. So thank you for describing the middle path- having a reasonable set of armour, and making wise decisions about when to wear it and when to lay it down.

Two random ideas came to mind while reading this thread. One is that it has sometimes helped me to externalize/anthropomorphize/physically create whatever the 'it' is that I am talking about. I wondered, for example, whether you could make yourself an actual shield (cardboard, tin foil... really!) and experiment with how it feels to lay it down in front of T. And picking it up again when you feel the need. Things like this helped me to notice much more closely what was happening for me.

I also liked the part about trying to use more feelings words. I can relate to finding it so much easier to think than to feel. One DBT challenge I found helpful was to stop every time I heard myself saying 'I feel' and check that it really was followed by a feeling, rather than a thought. Hope that makes sense!

Sounds like you and T are doing such good work together

Thanks so much for your reply, I am glad to see you here again, I've been thinking about you!
Actually, I have thick armor because things have and do hurt so much if I don't.....
T wants me to see and follow the middle road, too; part of her point in this exercise!
Your thought about actually making something physical and laying it down in front of T, OMG, that is a powerful idea! I get shivers in my heart thinking about doing it ....I think I will give it serious, serious consideration.
And to use the 'feeling words' and make sure 'I feel' is followed by an emotion rather than just intellectualizing, I am going to work on that too. One thing I have been working on is not asking a question back when T asks me one, as she said that was something I used to hide from my feelings, too, or to hide them.....

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

And to use the 'feeling words' and make sure 'I feel' is followed by an emotion rather than just intellectualizing,

When I first started with T in December I would tell her about my experiences and my emotions and she would say that I'm not feeling them. I didn't understand her then. I said, "But I'm telling you about them!" I've learned that she wants me to experience and feel them right there in session. I seem to have 2 different types of sessions - one that is analytical and the other emotional. When it's emotional it takes me quite awhile to recover but when it's intellectual, it seems like I gain some understanding.

I'm still not completely sure why the emotion needs to be felt in session but I will try to allow that since my T thinks it's important.

[PTSDlovemycats]

I really like Improving's idea! Make a shield Poetgirl!!

[WePow]

(((((((((PG))))))))))) It is very hard to set down the emotional armour when we needed it for so long. And that kinda sounds like "all or nothing" thinking to me anyway.

I like the idea about making something to represent the differences~!

[lastyearisblank]

I like doing visualization for this. I picture my body filled with liquid swishing around inside and then draining out through my feet.

[Seshat]

I hardly ever let go of my emotional "shell" and this thread is really inspiring. Thanks PG and everyone.

[SpiritRunner]

thanks so much for the replies (((((all)))))
As far as thinking of my armor as something I could remove/shed......I've sort of been thinking maybe I could think of it as like a knight in the middle ages who wore his suit of armor into battle, carried his shield and weapons, and needed it then, in the day, in the battle.....but there were times to take it off, too, for sleep or for festivities. Armor would have been too uncomfortable to wear ALL the time.....so I need to start thinking of my armor as like a thin, strong, flexible suit of armor I could take off in safe times, and more comfortable to wear in the battle times (so to speak!) if it's not such a heavy, thick kind.....I don't need to think of it as something that's permanently grown into me.
Crabs and other sea creatures have shells that they can shed, or leave and come home to; why not me, too?!
Yes, I think I will make a shield and take it to T on Tuesday.......won't she be surprised! But I think the symbolism, and the symbolism being tangible, is important....

((((((((((PG))))))))))))

I used to tell T that I could almost SEE a big brick wall between him and me. And I could. I wanted him "over there" and me "over here" and I didn't want to be seen, I didn't want to feel, I didn't want to let him in. I remember him finally asking once, "is there one brick that you could remove? just one?" and when he asked that, I realized I could. I could remove one. We talked about where in the wall the brick was, and I took it out.

Over the next MANY months, we would sometimes talk about taking out another brick. And eventually, it was more of a SMALL wall...not floor to ceiling, but maybe knee high..something that could protect me, but that I could still see over. Sometimes I had to build it back up again, and it was okay. It was easier each time to take out those bricks.

The wall is almost always gone now. Sometimes it comes back, but not very often. I couldn't have done it all at once, but slowly over time, T and I took it down together.

And the same is true of my armor. I shed it bit by bit, always keeping it nearby, and always allowing myself to pick it back up if I needed to.

At one point, I realized I had another layer of armor I didn't even know about. The wall was down, the armor was off...but it was like there was another layer of armor built right around my heart. That one has been hard to get rid of, but I'm open to it, and I'm working on it.

It doesn't have to happen all at once, PG. I think the first step is realizing it's there, and the next step is being WILLING to even consider letting it go. You are on your way

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((PG))))))))))))

I used to tell T that I could almost SEE a big brick wall between him and me. And I could. I wanted him "over there" and me "over here" and I didn't want to be seen, I didn't want to feel, I didn't want to let him in. I remember him finally asking once, "is there one brick that you could remove? just one?" and when he asked that, I realized I could. I could remove one. We talked about where in the wall the brick was, and I took it out.

Over the next MANY months, we would sometimes talk about taking out another brick. And eventually, it was more of a SMALL wall...not floor to ceiling, but maybe knee high..something that could protect me, but that I could still see over. Sometimes I had to build it back up again, and it was okay. It was easier each time to take out those bricks.

The wall is almost always gone now. Sometimes it comes back, but not very often. I couldn't have done it all at once, but slowly over time, T and I took it down together.

And the same is true of my armor. I shed it bit by bit, always keeping it nearby, and always allowing myself to pick it back up if I needed to.

At one point, I realized I had another layer of armor I didn't even know about. The wall was down, the armor was off...but it was like there was another layer of armor built right around my heart. That one has been hard to get rid of, but I'm open to it, and I'm working on it.

It doesn't have to happen all at once, PG. I think the first step is realizing it's there, and the next step is being WILLING to even consider letting it go. You are on your way

beautiful and full of grace, as always, tree, thank you so much!

[PTSDlovemycats]

Let us know how it goes with your shield!!

[SpiritRunner]

I will! Guess I need to go make it, what, cardboard and tinfoil? Think I'll draw and color a big red heart or something in the middle of it, too.....or is that overdoing it?!

[PTSDlovemycats]

No, that sounds like a GREAT idea!

[Seshat]

I agree with Cats. It will look amazing!