[Suratji]

When I first starting seeing T in December, I went in with what I thought were some fairly simple issues and I expected to be done in 3 or 4 sessions.

Now, 18+ sessions later, I'm in a much worse place. NOW, I'm obsessed with therapy. NOW, I have out of control emotions. NOW, I'm having a hard time focusing on my RL job or even caring about it. NOW, I'm more confused than I've ever been. NOW, my feelings are raw raw raw. NOW, I'm even less sure who I am. NOW, I'm behaving unlike I ever have. NOW, I don't trust myself at all. NOW, I'm engaging in painful self-absorption. NOW, I'm needy. NOW, I'm dependent.

So, should I quit therapy and go back to a normal life? Or should I continue on with this seemingly exercise in futility? Where will it lead?

[dizgirl2011]

Huge hugs - I understand! I really do. I dont know what to advise you at all. I don't know if its good that your processing these painful things or if its better to leave and try to return to how you were if possible.

*huge hugs*

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Suratji

When I first starting seeing T in December, I went in with what I thought were some fairly simple issues and I expected to be done in 3 or 4 sessions. Now, 18+ sessions later, I'm in a much worse place. NOW, I'm obsessed with therapy. NOW, I have out of control emotions. NOW, I'm having a hard time focusing on my RL job or even caring about it. NOW, I'm more confused than I've ever been. NOW, my feelings are raw raw raw. NOW, I'm even less sure who I am. NOW, I'm behaving unlike I ever have. NOW, I don't trust myself at all. NOW, I'm engaging in painful self-absorption. NOW, I'm needy. NOW, I'm dependent. So, should I quit therapy and go back to a normal life? Or should I continue on with this seemingly exercise in futility? Where will it lead?

Is it really an exercise in futility? What makes you think so? What does your T think about "an exercise in futility"? CAN you just go back to a normal life now? Seriously. Can you forget what you've learned over the past 18+ weeks? Again, what does your T say with regard to all of these questions?

Of course, there's no question about your ability to go back to "normal life." You can do it at any time. The question relates to your ability to get the genies back in the bottle. So you could try "normal life" and if it doesn't work, you could go back to therapy.

You do have a number of choices, but unfortunately only you know enough about you to make a decision. Does your T have any estimate of how long your therapy would last? What benefits does your T tell you will accrue to you from a year or two of therapy?

So, first thing would be a long talk with T about your options and their consequences. You don't HAVE to go to therapy. Nobody's forcing you.

Take care!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Is it really an exercise in futility? What makes you think so? What does your T think about "an exercise in futility"? CAN you just go back to a normal life now? Seriously. Can you forget what you've learned over the past 18+ weeks? Again, what does your T say with regard to all of these questions?

Of course, there's no question about your ability to go back to "normal life." You can do it at any time. The question relates to your ability to get the genies back in the bottle. So you could try "normal life" and if it doesn't work, you could go back to therapy.

You do have a number of choices, but unfortunately only you know enough about you to make a decision. Does your T have any estimate of how long your therapy would last? What benefits does your T tell you will accrue to you from a year or two of therapy?

So, first thing would be a long talk with T about your options and their consequences. You don't HAVE to go to therapy. Nobody's forcing you.

Take care!

Oh, I know that nobody's forcing me - I just want to understand what I'm doing.

Genie back in bottle? Probably not possible

How long therapy to last? After talking to my aunt who is a T and reading a lot about therapy, they recommend at least a year to be able to dig deep. But, I didn't even know when I began that I had stuff to dig deep for.

I think I have my topic ready for tomorrow's session - this is it ' Therapy's Making Me Crazy."

[sunrise]

I think you should tell your T just what you've written here and see what she says. She has a good sense of the you at the outset of therapy and the you now. Her comparison of the two may be helpful. Maybe she sees something different than you do. Maybe she can help normalize what you are going through in therapy. Maybe she can help resolve some of this. Good luck.

When I first went to therapy, it was to work on very different things than I ended up doing. It's like I wasn't aware of underlying problems causing surface symptoms, or really how dysfunctional I was because I was able to put on such a good face to the world without even knowing I was doing that. I think it is not uncommon to end up working on different things than the original goal was. And that's OK.

Originally Posted by Suratji

NOW, I have out of control emotions.

Through therapy I have become much better able to detect my emotions, feel them, and express them. When this process started, I could feel somewhat out of control. I was used to keeping everything tightly within so learning to let things out was hard. I probably was clumsy at first. I am better at it now though still far from a pro. Maybe this is similar to what you're experiencing?

Good luck, Suratji. I hope you can get some relief from your worries by talking to your T.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by sunrise

When I first went to therapy, it was to work on very different things than I ended up doing. It's like I wasn't aware of underlying problems causing surface symptoms, or really how dysfunctional I was because I was able to put on such a good face to the world without even knowing I was doing that. I think it is not uncommon to end up working on different things than the original goal was. And that's OK.

Through therapy I have become much better able to detect my emotions, feel them, and express them. When this process started, I could feel somewhat out of control. I was used to keeping everything tightly within so learning to let things out was hard. I probably was clumsy at first. I am better at it now though still far from a pro. Maybe this is similar to what you're experiencing?

I suspect that's what's happening -'underlying problems that are coming to the surface'. Dang dang dang dang.

Yep, I also have not been in touch with my emotions my whole life and T is working with me to acknowledge that they exist.

T keeps talking about trusting the process. I keep questioning her about it.

Thanks for your feedback. I just hope this doesn't last for long. T told me that it's o.k. to feel uncomfortable. Just notice it, she says. But twice I've had to take klonopin because the emotions just got to be too much. I've never taken drugs before so that is quite worrisome for me.

[karebear1]

Boy oh boy do I understand where you're coming from! I've often felt the same way and have even said to T that I don't want to do this anymore- tell me how to stop now. She says if I can figure out how to put everything that's been dug up away, then she'll be glad to help me bury it. Of course..... there is no putting things back to what they were. So we have a decision to make- either stop and let things just lay there unanswered and unaddressed - driving ourselves insane because we don't have any answers or we can continue on, driving ourselves insane getting the answers.

So.. what'll it be Surajti? Do you wanna be insane or insane?

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by karebear1

So.. what'll it be Surajti? Do you wanna be insane or insane?

Hey, are those our only choices? I'm definitely bringing this up to T tomorrow.

I think her answer may be (see I can play therapist too): "Do you want to live consciously or unconsciously?"

My answer could be both. Ugghhhhh!!!

[Seshat]

I was feeling like that the first few months of therapy, Suratji. It IS so overwhelming. I agree with sunrise: some things build up and end up coming to the surface one way or another, no matter our awareness of it all. Maybe it's better that they come up in therapy, where it's safe to feel and address them. I've been running away from unpleasant emotions my entire life and therapy has helped “go through it, not around it”. Just a thought. Sending hugs and good vibes your way.

[lastyearisblank]

Suratji, I actually think you ARE able to express emotions already.

I'm not sure you need therapy to do this.

Just wanted to put it in perspective so it doesn't feel so painful. You could take a break if you need to!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Seshat

I was feeling like that the first few months of therapy, Suratji. It IS so overwhelming. I agree with sunrise: some things build up and end up coming to the surface one way or another, no matter our awareness of it all. Maybe it's better that they come up in therapy, where it's safe to feel and address them. I've been running away from unpleasant emotions my entire life and therapy has helped “go through it, not around it”. Just a thought. Sending hugs and good vibes your way.

Uh, how many months am I looking at? Oh, and how do you go through it? And what's wrong with going around it?

[Seshat]

Like other people have said, it's ok if you don't feel like going to therapy at this time or even at all. It's your choice and you are free to choose. But you have stayed in therapy longer than the 3 or 4 sessions you said you expected. Maybe you thought you could get something else out of it?

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Seshat

Like other people have said, it's ok if you don't feel like going to therapy at this time or even at all. It's your choice and you are free to choose. But you have stayed in therapy longer than the 3 or 4 sessions you said you expected. Maybe you thought you could get something else out of it?

Oh, I definitely feel like going to therapy and I guess I love it to some extent but it seems like it's making me crazy, that's all.

Therapy has brought up in me a huge welling of emotion that I hadn't experienced before. I'm just bursting with feelings and I don't know what to do with them.

It's obvious I can't quit because the Pandora's box has already been opened.

[Marie123]

Yes, if you spent your life NOT dealing with feelings/emotions, then of course....there is MUCH to discuss, and it can take a very long time......It is the hardest, scariest, work you will ever do.....but the most important, and yes.......it makes you feel crazy.....keep on working......."Bursting with feelings." TALK about them.....hugs

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Hey, are those our only choices? I'm definitely bringing this up to T tomorrow.

I think her answer may be (see I can play therapist too): "Do you want to live consciously or unconsciously?"

My answer could be both. Ugghhhhh!!!

Would you please bring it up tomorrow in T?- I'll be interested to know if your right about her response!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Suratji, I actually think you ARE able to express emotions already.
I'm not sure you need therapy to do this.

Okay Okay - I can throw things and run around in circles and I can emote with the best of them - sure, I can express... but what good is that?

I'm not happy that I'm bursting at the seams with feelings whereas I felt much calmer before I began therapy.

But how to plug them up again - is that possible?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Okay Okay - I can throw things and run around in circles and I can emote with the best of them - sure, I can express... but what good is that?

I'm not happy that I'm bursting at the seams with feelings whereas I felt much calmer before I began therapy.

But how to plug them up again - is that possible?

To plug them back up the same way? No, not possible.....or maybe possible to plug them back up, but it won't be the same, because now you KNOW they are there. Now that they are there or you know that they are there and maybe have been there a long time, isn't it best to deal with them.....heal from them, so you can move on and live in a new, healed way?
Once, I said to T, couldn't I just run away, couldn't I just put these feelings in a box in my mind, lock it up, put it in a back room so to speak, and run away?!!! She said yes.....yes, you could. But you won't heal if you do.....if you want to heal, you want to do things differently than you have before when dealing with your feelings! She is right.....but it hurts ever so much......healing hurts while it's happening, often. I have feelings I haven't dealt with for years upon years.....if I am ever going to heal, I am going to have to go through the pain I pushed away instead of dealing with at the time it first happened.
I thought I was calm and serene too.....but I was fooling myself, actually....and every now and then, when anger burst through, I knew I wasn't really calm and serene and never had been. Maybe that is achievable for me now, I believe it's more possible to truly happen, to truly have calm and peace, if I first deal with and heal from these feelings, this pain......

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by karebear1

Would you please bring it up tomorrow in T?- I'll be interested to know if your right about her response!

I only have a short 50 minute session so every second is valuable. I think talking with everyone here about this is helping me see the value of this hopefully temporary craziness.

I guess what the answer is for me at this moment is that when one starts stirring up stuff, of course it's going to cause some difficult emotions. I'm slowly beginning to understand myself a bit better.

I now know that I need to move by body by exercise or dance for mental health - rigidity confines and I've felt confined. So that's good information that I've gained. And dance is a way of expressing deep emotions in a positive way.

I now know that I need to make time to write regularly. Writing allows me to express myself. I had never thought that I needed that but now it's obvious that day to day activities do not 'feed' me to the extent that I need.

I now know that I am constrained by certain fears. I hadn't understood that fully before. I see that I need to look them at them squarely and hopefully they will lose their power to control my reactions.

I now know that I am not clearly aware of my own needs. Fulfilling others' needs have always been paramount to me. I see that I need to transition my attitude from feeling 'selfish' when addressing my needs to believing that it's o.k. to take care of myself.

So, although therapy has been crazy-making on one hand, on the other hand, I can see its value. (This 'light bulb' moment just happened)

Thanks all for your wonderful comments. They have been quite helpful

[skysblue]

I love it when I get those light bulb moments.

Originally Posted by Suratji

When I first starting seeing T in December, I went in with what I thought were some fairly simple issues and I expected to be done in 3 or 4 sessions. If we took a poll on this, I bet the majority thought the same thing! I know I did. 12 sessions was all I was doing. Just enough to satisfy my regular MD so she would prescribe me something for depression and anxiety. Being off and on meds for 20 years, she thought it was high time to see what was really going on. She made me so mad! I did NOT want to go and see a shrink (as I called it back then).

Now, 18+ sessions later, I'm in a much worse place. NOW, I'm obsessed with therapy. NOW, I have out of control emotions. NOW, I'm having a hard time focusing on my RL job or even caring about it. NOW, I'm more confused than I've ever been. NOW, my feelings are raw raw raw. NOW, I'm even less sure who I am. NOW, I'm behaving unlike I ever have. NOW, I don't trust myself at all. NOW, I'm engaging in painful self-absorption. NOW, I'm needy. NOW, I'm dependent. I think I wrote this same letter to my therapist a few months ago. Did I accidentally send it to you by mistake?? It sure sounds like the one I wrote.

So, should I quit therapy and go back to a normal life? Or should I continue on with this seemingly exercise in futility? Where will it lead?

If it were not for my mom, sister, and husband keeping me grounded in this, I would have stopped months ago. They see changes in me. They see the good that is coming from therapy. I am a bit blinded right now because I feel out of control. I feel worse off. I feel like I have no idea who I am anymore. I feel like quitting every time I leave a session.

Fortunately, we do not live our lives based on how we feel about everything. We make choices based on truths, not feelings. As they say, "Feelings are fickle!" If we let our feelings lead us in life, we would be on a mixed up path with mixed up signs and signals! Like being on the road and having green, red, and yellow flashing lights at the same time. Stop signs at every turn. Pressing on the gas pedal and the brake pedal at the same time! We have no idea what gear we are in: drive, neutral, stop? The result is that we end up crashing!

I do know that importance of feelings, but we (I) cannot let me overpower me. One day I feel one way, the next I feel something totaly different. Sometimes I don't feel anything at all, so I have to put myself on auto pilot for awhile.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I am a bit blinded right now because I feel out of control. I feel worse off. I feel like I have no idea who I am anymore. I feel like quitting every time I leave a session.

Fortunately, we do not live our lives based on how we feel about everything. We make choices based on truths, not feelings. As they say, "Feelings are fickle!" If we let our feelings lead us in life, we would be on a mixed up path with mixed up signs and signals! Like being on the road and having green, red, and yellow flashing lights at the same time. Stop signs at every turn. Pressing on the gas pedal and the brake pedal at the same time! We have no idea what gear we are in: drive, neutral, stop? The result is that we end up crashing!

I do know that importance of feelings, but we (I) cannot let me overpower me. One day I feel one way, the next I feel something totaly different. Sometimes I don't feel anything at all, so I have to put myself on auto pilot for awhile.

I'm learning that the whole idea of getting in touch with our feelings is so they do not control us. If we're not aware of them; if they remain buried; if they live in the unconscious, they WILL lead us and lead us poorly.

By bringing them into the light and therefore being able to examine them, we kinda de-fang them. My T told me that the emotion part of brain is much more powerful than the rational brain and will control us if we don't acknowledge the feelings and work through them.

Actions/reactions based on unconscious/subconscious feelings can be quite destructive and painful. We must bring the emotions forth so we can lessen their power.

[PTSDlovemycats]

I think it's a case of things need to get worse before they can get better. I could be wrong, just a thought...

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

I think it's a case of things need to get worse before they can get better. I could be wrong, just a thought...

I'm going to contradict what I wrote just 2 days ago. But, that's ok, isn't it? I mean, for a crazy person.

I don't know if I can handle this turmoil of 'healing'. If only I were convinced the 'process' is going to work. I'm worried that my out of control emotions will send me over the edge.

So far, I'm behaving more or less ok. I have a terrible time concentrating on work but probably the fact that I have responsibilities to other people keeps me in check. What's the worse that can happen? Well, I could run away from home again and hurt H and family. Well, they survived before, they can survive again. Kids are grown so I don't have to be responsible for them.

Sometimes I wish I could be a true blue certified crazy. Then I could be institutionalized and not have to take care of anything anymore. Just live in my head and let the rest of life glide by.

But this halfway place is tortuous. half the day sane; half the day crawling out of my skin.

Things were ok before therapy. Not wonderful but ok. I think there should be warnings and advisories for people who are considering beginning therapy. If we knew the side effects, we would be more informed consumers.

[Sannah]

Could your fear being making this ride worse then it needs to be?

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Could your fear being making this ride worse then it needs to be?

I'm in a much much better place since the weekend. I understand a lot more about the process. I'm actually very happy that I'm doing this work and I know there will be more turmoil but I now see how that turmoil brings important tools to the work. I am very excited about going forth on this journey of discovery