[dizgirl2011]

Todays session was awful and I have just managed to stop myself crying, even though that alone is awful difficult.

Basically I felt really judged, my therapist keeps sending me mixed messages - one minute we are ending, then we arent and i feel safe, then we are. Then its ok to contact between sessions, no its not, its just everything, even the things i thought i was doing well feel like they have been shot to hell and I feel like I cant even contact her now between sessions because she has made me feel like i shouldnt anymore, even though i barely ever did in the first place...*heres the tears again*.

I tried to tell her how I felt but it didnt really matter she had her own view which didnt make sense to me and it feels like everything is ruined and I hate her and i hate myself for ever bothering to do the right things

[PleaseHelp]

(((dizzy)))

Sorry you had a hard session. Mixed messages are the worst. Have you been with your T long? Could you write down how you are feeling and give it to her? Don't hate yourself for trying. Keep posting. Here if you need to talk/vent.

[Perna]

Sorry you feel so rotten and confused. I hope you and your T can figure it all out so you're on the same page at the same time.

[WikidPissah]

I'm sorry things weren't made clear for you...I personally hate that. I need firm solid guidelines and rules and when they get "iffy" I don't do well. It doesn't seem fair not to have any contact, especially if you weren't abusing it. I think writing down your thoughts and feelings about the session is a good idea, keep an ongoing journal until your there again and you can maybe give her your thoughts and how hard it's been for you.

[SpiritRunner]

inconsistency hurts! I know it hurts me, I need things to be clear and definite and consistent, too. I am so sorry T was like that and your session stunk.....

[Splintered]

Sorry you had such a bad session Mixed messages are so frustrating. Allow yourself to cry as much as you need too if you can - it's better in the long run to just feel how you feel, although I know it feels horrible right now. Maybe you could ask your t to write down what 'the rules' are so you both have something to refer to in future if there are more mixed messages. Hang in there

[swimmergirl]

(((((((Diztgirl)))))))))))))

Writing down your thoughts is a great way to process them. Post here. You are not alone. We are here and care for you. When you feel able, maybe in a few days, figure out what you are feeling and go prepared into your next session to talk with your T about what is working vs. what is not for you in your connection with T. Sorry things are tough for you right now.

Oh my gosh, mixed messages are awful... I am so sorry that you had a bad session!

I can hear how much you are hurting. I am really sorry. I agree with the previous posters, maybe you can get your T to write down what is ok and what is not okay... you really need clarification. I'm so sorry its confusing right now. I do hope you feel better.

[online user]

You're getting good suggestions from everyone else here--I, too, like the journaling idea, and asking your T to write out the rules if you are still bothered by this in the future.

I know that your session is so important to you; you wait all week for it. When it goes well and you make progress you feel great. If you are bothered by inconsistencies or things that are said, it can really bring you down; it "hangs" on your mood for a while. Good that you came here to vent. Do try venting in a journal too--don't let this bring you down. You are valuable and don't need this. We're pulling for you!

oh no dizgirl, I'm so sorry No ideas really, just lots of hugs

I know how much you wait for your time with T and I'm so sorry it didn't go well this week. I hope you get lots of support here- you are always so supportive of others.

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by Improving

oh no dizgirl, I'm so sorry No ideas really, just lots of hugs

I know how much you wait for your time with T and I'm so sorry it didn't go well this week. I hope you get lots of support here- you are always so supportive of others.

Wish I could make you feel better.

[lastyearisblank]

Sorry you're having such a hard time and that it's all up in the air if you'll continue. Maybe if it all gets to much, it would help to push this all over to T's side of the table and just think about it as something weird that is going on with her, you know? It wasn't something you did & she certainly has the option to direct the therapy better and hopefully that is one she will take. All you can do is be honest.

[dizgirl2011]

Thank you so much to everyone, your answers are so lovely and it's just so good to feel understood and not told Im wrong, which I felt my T did today, even though I feel I have done my best and when i made mistakes I apologised and took responsibility.

I couldn't respond to everyones messages until now as I couldn't stop crying and as I still live with my parents I didn't want to be caught crying and have to explain, as they wouldn't understand. Everytime I redid my make up and tried to stop crying the tears just kept flowing down my face. Crying felt extremely painful. I had to force myself to go to sleep in order to stop crying.

I agree with people's suggestions of writing things down, I have done it a bit so far but may wait until later when everyone goes to bed to look at it more as I feel more able to cry then.

I really hate the mixed messages. Last week I left my session feeling really good for the first time in ages, I felt supported and like I was doing well and that she wasn't going to abandon me; today was the exact opposite and it was so hard to stand up for myself and not cry. Then the session was over in what felt like 5 minutes. She also commented on how 50 minutes should be enough to deal with issues - i dont know how the heck she works that out.

I was close to texting when i was in the agony of crying my heart out but i stopped myself as I didnt want to say something i regret and give her more amuition to use against me

Thank you to all my dear friends, you are all so special

[dizgirl2011]

Soo hard not to burst into tears...need to wait until my parents go to bed

[lastyearisblank]

diz, sorry you and your t didn't connect. can or do you want to share more here after your parents go to bed?

and after your parents go to bed, let the tears flow....

here is a box of tissues for you, kleenex brand with lotion, just so your nose isn't all sore for tomorrow!

you are brave!

sending safe hugs

[zooropa]

I feel like I could have written your post myself, we are going through so much of the same stuff right now. I'm really sorry, because I do know how much it hurts and how it is so confusing and how it makes you hate T and hate yourself and just feel so bad. I'm sorry.

[online user]

Good plan to write after your parents are in bed so you can have a good cry and let your emotions out. That will feel so much better than keeping it pent up inside. I'll bet you feel a lot better tomorrow, even if you are tired from staying up late. Since jbmomg sent you the tissues and lotion, I'll just send another hug!

[Sannah]

I hope that you continue to work on this with your T until you get this sorted out. Please keep us posted?

[PleaseHelp]

How are you doing today?

[dizgirl2011]

Hey guys,

im feeling a bit better today although still annoyed when I think of yesterday and fearful when I think I could loose my T very soon - then again one minute she says i will then the next shes tell me that it's all in my head, its not her - which isn't true. I was also looking through my journals that i have kept since started just over a year ago to see how often i have contacted her outside of sessions and its barely anything. I feel like no matter what i do ppl walk away. im going to create another post to ask ppl if they think my contact is "too much"

thank you everyone your support has meant the world!

I'm so sorry its soooo difficult. I hear you. PLEASE please understand something though-- I understand the line of thinking that goes "I feel like no matter what I do pppl walk away"-- that was my WHOLE life for a lot of years. I totally get that. But PLEASE hear me--PLEASE-- it is NOT YOU. Its NOT YOU honey. People leaving or walking away-- that's about THEM. Thats stuff that they have going on inside them that makes them walk away. I PROMISE. Its not something that you do/don't do/say/ dont say/ etc. Its about THEM, something going on in their head or their hearts that makes them decide they want to walk away. Please know that. And if someone decides to walk away from you-- it is their loss. I have deal with loss time and time again, and this is something that took me a very long time to learn.