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#1
Apr 25, 2011, 03:29 PM
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Its like festering inside of me. My stomach is getting in knots because I have so much fear of abandonment although, with all honesty, my T wouldn't do that to me..... but it's, not knowing how the session is going to go from there that has me sick to my stomach!
 Other feelings at the present moment felt in light of this: 1. Relief: because it will finally be outthere in the air and off of my chest. It wil still be on my mind though. 2. Anxiety: already being panic/anxiety prone... it is an anxious feeling leading up to the battle. Will he look at me like, "you are crazy!" or will he look at me as he always does with warmth and acceptance? Just not knowing the reaction is enough to drive me mad! 3. Rejection: I am well-aware that he and I are on professional, patient/therapist terms legally and I know I will probably never have what I want, with that being said, I don't want him pulling away from me. We have developed a strong-bond, he has cried in front of me because, due to insurance, it was almost cancelled and he said he wasn't gonna lose me. But that was him being empathetic. I HATE being rejected because it spirals me downward, but I am walking into this knowing rejection is what will happen because a relationship between us, legally can't happen. So, I am sure I am gonna be left feeling like crap! 4. Last but not least.......excited because maybe now he and I can figure out where all this is coming from so I can transfer it to whoever I find next. Although I will always have these thoughts for him. I feel llike a lost-cause 
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 lastyearisblank
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#2
Apr 25, 2011, 03:52 PM
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Hi there,
Can I ask is the "spill all" about you talking to you T about your feelings towards him? I am not sure if I have understood your post right. It sounds like your very anxious about this upcoming appointment. *hugs* |
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#3
Apr 25, 2011, 05:45 PM
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yea, it is. sorry should have maybe mentioned that lol. It's been brewing for about a year now and I cannot take it anymore. VERY anxious
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| lastyearisblank
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#4
Apr 25, 2011, 07:05 PM
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Wow!!!! That anxiety is definitely coming across. I think I would be a bit anxious too in that position! Haha... When do you tell him? It's fantastic that you're taking the step to do this.
 He also sounds rather evolved I am not sure that I have heard of a male T crying before not to mention the typical one....!Also I think it is wonderful that you're planning to move on to someone in RL WITHOUT invalidating the feelings, just a superb plan. I think most people would struggle at some level with having those feelings and making active plans to kind of look beyond that... Hope he helps you figure it all out ! 
Last edited by lastyearisblank; Apr 25, 2011 at 07:10 PM. Reason: add |
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#5
Apr 25, 2011, 07:16 PM
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I would be anxious, too!!! I think it's very brave that you are going to open up to him. I hope you're able to figure out the feelings/transference and try to move past it!
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#6
Apr 25, 2011, 09:19 PM
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 . I think it's understandable to be anxious as it can feel vulnerable to tell someone how you feel about them and wait for their response but considering your T cried at the thought of loosing you as a client I think shows that he really does care about you and in many ways it's likely he knows a lot of how you feel for him, as Transference and attachment often happen in the theraputic relationship. May I ask, what you would like to get out of telling your therapist about your feelings?
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#7
Apr 25, 2011, 09:42 PM
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#8
Apr 25, 2011, 09:43 PM
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#9
Apr 25, 2011, 09:45 PM
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thinking of you! you are being very brave, it takes guts to spill those feelings, but yet is a relief to do so! I know, I have been there!
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#10
Apr 25, 2011, 09:48 PM
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Well, I think what I want to get out of this MOST is.... finding out WHY it is so easy to feel trust, attachment, caring, and compassion for him, when it is SO incredibly hard for me to feel that for any man....because of the past. It would be nice to be able when I meet someone, to just be able to be as comfortable with them as I am with him. I can't be myself around people who I think are judgeing me..... which is practically a lot of people, and I dunno really... maybe that is why I want to tell him and clear the air because I need to have it discussed in the open to figure it all out. |
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#11
Apr 25, 2011, 09:49 PM
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i feel for you cause if you had to feel like I do now, it totally sucks! lol
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#12
Apr 25, 2011, 09:53 PM
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So I hope the conversation goes well for you and I am sure T will be understanding and hopefully compassionate! |
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#13
Apr 25, 2011, 10:03 PM
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#14
Apr 25, 2011, 10:06 PM
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 T knows I would like to be special in her eyes......but alas, I know she won't tell me I am the most special! It is enough to know that she does care very much, though.....
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#15
Apr 26, 2011, 12:46 AM
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Just wanted to lend you support for your big reveal day! Will be thinking of you and hoping it goes well!
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#16
Apr 26, 2011, 02:01 AM
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I can certainly understand your trepidation. When I disclosed my erotic feelings to my T, it just kinda came out. I would have been a nervous wreck if I had anticipated telling him. It felt good to get it off my chest, but was frustrating too. When he asked me how I felt about telling him, I said, "Aroused."
 Well, he can't say that I'm not honest
__________________
The past isn't dead, it isn't even the past. -William Faulkner |
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#17
Apr 26, 2011, 03:34 AM
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Wow, no wonder you're incredibly anxious! I would be too!
You are very brave to be so honest. Realize that the reward may not be on the outcome of sharing this, but in the act of sharing it. It's a huge thing that you're doing - so try to recognize that, be pleased with what you're doing.
__________________
Don't follow the path that lies before you. Instead, veer from the path - and leave a trail... 
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#18
Apr 26, 2011, 06:45 AM
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ill jump in your pocket when its time so you don't feel so alone and maybe give you a little encouragement
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT  Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
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#19
Apr 26, 2011, 07:46 AM
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I'll be a pocket rider too if you want!
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#20
Apr 26, 2011, 07:59 AM
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don't think I could have said that to my T, wow!
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#21
Apr 26, 2011, 08:00 AM
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thinking of you today, Brighid!!
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#22
Apr 26, 2011, 10:23 AM
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#23
Apr 26, 2011, 10:24 AM
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Thanks everyone for your support, I dont know how I would manage without you all. I actually dont go until Friday
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